The 11th hour bill was passed 269 votes to 161 and is expected to be approved by the Senate on Tuesday.
In a high pitched address to the nation, Obama declared: “I want to announce that the leaders of both parties in both chambers have reached an agreement that will reduce the deficit, avoid default, and put my testicles on a plate for the Republican party. Thank you.”
The president then limped away to sit on a giant ice cube.
Compromise
The agreement is an improvement on the previous arrangement which allowed Conservatives temporary possession of Obama’s family jewels when favourable legislation was required.
With massive public spending cuts planned with no increase in revenue, it’s understood the president choose to include indefinite possession of his balls to convince Republicans still on the fence.
Speaking on Sunday night, the US president said it was not the deal he would have preferred, but highlighted this as evidence he was willing to make the ‘tough choices’ to ensure that he didn’t make Republicans angry with him.
“This is a great deal for us,” said Senate Leader Mitch McConnell [R-Ky], clutching the presidents balls as he spoke to his party members. “We have the president’s balls, and it only took bringing the economy to the brink of collapse to get it.”
A special bipartisan committee will also be set up to consider further budget deficit reductions and the possible reattachment of the presidents balls in 2012 should Mr Obama decide he may actually want to use them in future negotiations with the Republican party.
‘I wasn’t using them anyway’
Political analysts agreed this was a damaging deal for the president, but praised the Republicans strategy of “going straight for the gonads and not letting go.”
“The conservative leaders went in with a plan and they stuck to it. They didn’t quit until they had Obama’s nuts and you have to admire that kind of tenacity.”
However, with unemployment at 7.2%, the repercussions of a President with no means of synthesizing testosterone are unknown, but many observers believe this could be damaging come election time.
“It will be interesting to see what happens in November,” said political analyst and professional egg impersonator James Carville. “No president has been elected with unemployment higher than 7.2%…or with his ability to produce sperm at 0%.”
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