The Church of England has announced plans to strengthen the constitution of marriage, by introducing a minimum level of attractiveness.
Church representatives claim that allowing the wrong sort of people to marry is fundamentally wrong, and threatens the sacred ‘renting of a church for £500 an hour’.
“When we join a couple in holy matrimony, we need to make sure they’re a good advert for our services”, explained Rev. Tim Horton, head of the religion’s marketing department.
“Wedding photos soon get passed around a small community, and we really don’t want to be associated with the joining of munters.”
Sanctity of marriage
Until now, the church has avoided such open hostility to the cosmetically battered, by using obscure rules to bar them from the premises.
“Our vicars are trained to compare our customers with the gargoyles on the roof”, said Horton.
“If the results are iffy, we make up all sorts of excuses.”
Horton revealed that the church uses euphemisms to describe those that ming.
‘A bit on the catholic side’, ‘very unconfirmed’ or ‘fell out of the parish’ are all clues to other vicars to give them the elbow.
“Allowing just anyone to marry would be awfully shallow”, declared Horton.
“We have a duty to breed the beautiful people, to build a better society.”
But Horton feels some sympathy for those that don’t reflect his perfect vision of attractiveness.
“Of course, not every bride can look as gorgeous as a 12 year-old choir boy”, he admitted.
“But we can lend out a heavy duty veil, if you’re a little bit borderline. Even the slightly plain are welcome in God’s House, just as long as they don’t have the same genitals.”
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