Subjects such as physics and PE are expected to take a back seat in favour a more rigorous approach to religious education and carpentry.
Head teacher at St Bernadette’s school for Jesus’ children, Simon Williams, told us, “What good is a thorough understanding of the scientific method if you’re going to Hell because you don’t know how to pray, or can’t recite what Jesus said about lepers and stuff?”
“All we’re saying is that practical life skills have their place, just not when we’re explaining to impressionable children that God is watching them when they touch themselves in the shower.”
“Look, if Jesus wanted us to understand the fundamentals of electrical engineering then he’d have mentioned it in one of his sermons, wouldn’t he?”
Religious schools
Parents have reacted with anger at the faith schools announcement, due to the prospect of their children turning into the sort of people who would want to run a faith school.
Parent Sharon Matthews told us, “Having my children lectured for eight hours a day by grown men and women who still believe in their magic imaginary friend worries me, yes.”
“If I wanted my children growing up with a completely misguided sense of what’s needed to live a happy life, then I’d let them watch X Factor.”
