It's Getting Hot in Here

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Posted by monktonite (#129) 724 days ago (Editorial)

Rumour has it that famed rapper Nelly is more than just a musically inclined, bandaged covered, pretty face. Speculation about his hit single “It’s getting hot in here” is that the song was more than just a plea for women to get naked; rather, it was supposedly written as a celebration of Earth’s rising climate. Thus, it is plausible that we should be turning to Nelly to advise us on the state of our environment rather listening to the never-ending, tedious speeches delivered by David Suzuki.

With Nelly’s insight in mind, we too should celebrate, as well as contribute to, the benefits of a warmer earth. For one, the rising temperatures are enabling new opportunities for travel to flourish. Have you always longed to feel the silk of an authentic kimono on your skin, perhaps dreamt of struggling with two metal sticks to snag a piece of sushi from its homeland? Forget the hassle of airports; sign yourself up for the next first class tsunami ride straight into Japan! NaturalDisaster Incorporated is in the process of expanding their company to offer daily shuttles to select international locations. Coupons for discounts on severe wind and water travel through the company are rewarded with every bag of garbage brought to the dump, as well as to any owner of an Astro van.

A warmer planet not only shows promise for the tourist industry, but may also be proficient at peace mediating. The heat will one day overthrow the current governments of Israel and Palastein, and the first goal on its platform is to make each country uninhabitable. With a population of zero on both ends, the seemingly everlasting conflict between the two countries cannot continue. Problem solved! Yes, the heat truly does put the U.N to shame on this one.

Aside from improving the welfare of our country, global warming is also expected to improve the welfare of our media. The Animal Planet channel is about to get considerably more entertaining with a show swap on the way. Cesar Milan, renowned ‘dog whisperer’, plans to use the effects of global warming to his advantage. Attributed to the rising number of unsatisfied owners of stray polar bears, the dog whisperer will now become the bear whisperer. Tune into Animal Planet to watch Mr. Milan instil proper house etiquette in the marginally aggressive companions.

The list of benefits of a warmer earth is endless. Accordingly, car dealerships are revoking the smart car line and offering a sale on all Astro vans and Ford trucks. It is your duty as a consumer to take advantage of this one time offer! You can also make your contribution by taking a chainsaw to any windmills you may come by, or by throwing your blue box in the trash. Celebrate global warming by turning on every light in your house, driving to your neighbour’s house and turning on any lights they may have forgotten to turn on. Remember, a hotter earth is a better earth. Let’s celebrate Nelly’s legacy and heat this place up!

.. (Editorial)

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It's Getting Hot in Here

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