TEXAS – In his latest televised statement, Rick Perry has announced that if elected president he would immediately withdraw all children from education by 2020 at the very latest.
With over 60 million children currently serving tours in public and private institutions, the Republican nominee said the pull out from schools across the country was long overdue.
“We’ve been in education since 1800. Or was it 1850? I never paid much attention in history class.”
No child left behind
In front of a stunned audience, Rick Perry laid out his plan to execute a carefully staged withdrawal with included consulting with teachers and principals on the ground.
“We currently have 60 millions kids on active duty in schools across the country, that’s a third of all Americans and that’s a third too many in my book!”
He claimed he would withdraw a third of all children deployed in schools in the first year of his first term and then a further quarter before the end of his fourth year if elected president.
According to Mr Perry, that would equate to “err, 5 million in the first two years and um…2 million in the second two?”
“At that constant rate all children would be out of education by roughly 2020 or thereabouts,” estimated Perry, though he did not show his working.
The presidential hopeful promised as commander and chief he would “waste no time in bringing back our brave 5 to 17-year-olds” as “every day we ask these brave little boys and girl to engage in the brutality of learning stuff.”
“We went in and we kicked education’s ass, but after over 200 years it’s time to bring our kids to homeschooling.”
The former Texan Governor declared success against maths physics and English referred to the campaign to educate the nation’s children as a “victory for all who have served since kindergarten.”
After some initial criticism from parent-teacher groups, Perry was forced to clarify that he believed the US should continue to have a “presence” in education, but that it was time to start transitioning responsibility over to the Chinese and Indians students.
“We can leave behind 100,000 kids to hold down the fort, but let them [foreign nations] send their kids to learn the physics of fluid dynamics,” he said.
“It is time others to share the heavy burden of calculus. With me as your president, we will stop wasting the lives of young Americans sent out to needlessly do long division for their country.”
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