HP Publicity Stunt Works! Millions Of TouchPads Sold in One Week!
In what is being hailed as the greatest publicity stunt since putting the words “Call Of Duty” on the front of a game, computer manufacturer Hewlett-Packard has sold millions of TouchPad tablets in just over one week’s time.
“HP stands for ‘Huge-ass Profits’, bitch!” said HP CEO Léo Apotheker, “HP has no plans to stop with the webOS devices, especially now that everybody and their mother has one. BOOYA!”
Acer Loses $234M In 3rd Quarter
Acer has absolutely no idea where the hell the money is and is asking that if anyone finds, maybe, a really big check or perhaps a semi-truck full of $100 bills to please call them immediately.
If this money doesn't show up soon it’s most certainly coming out of CFO Che-Min Tu’s ass.
“Think. Think, DAMNIT. I have no clue what I did with the money. Seriously, we really need it back. Maybe it’s in the store room, yeah it’s g– no, no I looked there. I am in so much trouble,” says Tu.
In Other News: Acer Had $234M At Some Point!
Crazy Rich Prick Creating Rapture
Some nut-job bazillionairre is in the midst of creating a Utopian society in the middle of the ocean free from war, religion, and laws. The founder of the project is now looking into creating miracle serums that will give the inhabitants of the sovereign nation great physical and mental powers.
“What could possibly go wrong?” says investor Bill Crane.
Steve Jobs Resigns From Apple, Tim Cook Nearly Killed In Hazing Ritual
In a bizarre string of events Tim Cook was nearly mauled to death by a raging bull stud on a California farm late Saturday evening.
Cook’s hazing ritual consisted of “bonging” 40-ounces of Lazer malt liquor before hopping an electric fence and staple-gunning a picture of himself to the bull’s ass. Cook got as far as the first staple when the enraged bull, already agitated by local heifers in heat, kicked him in the chest then tossing him up to 12-feet in the air with its needle-like horns.
In 1983 John Sculley had to be resuscitated when he was made to hang from live power lines naked while being shot with urine-filled water-guns.
Cook is expected to make a full recovery and have a new, industry-changing product in his hands by mid-September.
About The Weak: In Technology, By Tim Horton
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