The Weak : In Technology Aug. 29th - Sept 2nd, 2011

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The Weak : In Technology Aug. 29th - Sept 2nd, 2011

Posted by thegrindery (#17) 260 days ago (Editorial)

The Internet To Be Erased On Thursday
Due to lack of interest and weak usage the Internet will be erased this coming Thursday leaving all traces of a failed system behind.
Carl Holt of ICANN expressed little emotion when giving the news at a sparsely attended press conference last Friday.

“We thought that the Internet would really take off, but unfortunately it has not. Since 1993 people have been trying to capitalize on the vast computer network and ability to instantaneously share information with little to no success. I regret to inform everyone that next Thursday, September 15th, 2011 we will reformat the Internet’s hard drives and unplug the network cable from the wall leaving yet-another failed medium of information sharing behind us.”

Last Time AT&T Checked This Was Still A Free-Fucking-Country
AT&T responded to the Department of Justice’s blocking of the purchase of carrier T-Mobile telling investigators that the last time they checked this was the United States and we were still a free-fucking-country.

“Tell me what I did, huh? Just tell me what I did and I’ll shut up,” yelled a drunken, belligerent AT&T from the back of a Washington D.C. police cruiser. “I’m sorry, I thought this was a free country and I could use my money and excellent credit history to buy the 3rd-largest mobile provider in the United States.”

AT&T will be facing charges of resisting arrest, public urination, public indecency, obstruction of official business, and driving under suspension.

President Obama To Sign Video Game Industry Bailout Bill
Republican backed bill HB432 is scheduled to hit the President’s desk later today. The bill being called the “American Escape From Reality Because They Can’t Even Fucking Handle It Anymore” Bill was unanimously passed by Republicans and Democrats and is expected to be signed by the President first thing in the morning.

“This bailout will save thousands of jobs by keeping the doors of labor-intensive sweatshop game developers open. It will also free up jobs that are not being done well by giving lazy slobs better games so they quit their jobs and allow productive Americans to make some money,” said the President on Wednesday. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, my guild is raiding the Serpentshrine Cavern in about 15 and we need to get our shit together.”

Intel Army Gaining Key Strategic Positions Against AMD
Entering the 3rd week of the Intel-AMD war, sources close to Intel forces tell us that the Intel army has cut off key strategic positions and will enter the main AMD compound by the end of the week. AMD’s leader King Athlon IV assured his people that these reports are absurd and that they have not even seen an Intel soldier in Radeon City.

AOL / YAHOO! To Merge Brands Into The Single Shittiest Company Since Packard Bell / Cyrix
AOL announced last week that they plan to follow through on what may be one of the top-five worst decisions made by an IT company in the past ten years.

Tim Armstrong addressed an annoyed and largely confused Board of Directors late Friday evening to share the latest strategy.

“We believe that we can simultaneously merge two brands which, at one point, actually mattered. And cost thousands of people their jobs, at the same time. This catastrophic, irresponsible, and just plain crazy strategy is the final step in the ‘Make AOL A Symbol Of Obsolescence’ project that we started back in 1998 with the purchase of CompuServe, and continued with the purchase of ICQ, Netscape, and several other once-decent companies. Thank you all for coming out, I will now go back to my office to work on a bunch of other weird shit that is completely devoid of financial prosperity.”

About The Weak: In Technology, By Tim Horton
Presented by The Grindery, @thegrindery. The Grindery | Punching You In The Mouth With Technology News.. (Editorial)

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The Weak : In Technology Aug. 29th - Sept 2nd, 2011

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