If Jesus Were British...He'd Have a Criminal Record!!

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If Jesus Were British...He'd Have a Criminal Record!!

Posted by humourmonger (#43) 434 days ago (Editorial)

No win no fee for the man from Nazareth?

As British society becomes even more secular in its outlook, it has also become fashionable to regard those with a strong Christian ethos with suspicion, and in some cases, outright hostility.

Nowadays the press is full of reports that are seen as further attacks upon those who still think that lighting candles and kissing crucifixes will qualify them for a free pass into the Kingdom of Disneyland Heaven.

Recently, numerous column inches were devoted to the case of the Christian B&B owners, who by trying to prevent “Mr and Mr Smith” from sharing a double bedroom, fell foul of Harriet Harperson’s equality laws. Together with last year’s visit from a former Hitler Youth member who nowadays goes by the title Holy Fuhrer, I mean Holy Father, and whose previous incarnation was enforcing his Polish predecessors rigid doctrines – am I the only one who sees the irony of a German taking orders from a Pole? - have all been cited as examples of a real or perceived bias against the Christian faith. Of course, we must not forget the recent decision of the Anglican Church to begin the process that will eventually replace Archbishop Rowan with Archbishop Rowena!

If we were to imagine that Jesus himself were to return to the Britain of today, with the law as it currently stands, any one of the following would likely earn him an appearance before the beak.

Firstly, healing the sick and raising the dead would see Jesus charged with practising medicine without a licence, with the resulting implications for Lazarus and the blind beggar. Feeding the 5,000 would probably incur a fine for operating an unlicensed fast food outlet, as well as a complaint from Pret A Manger and Subway, for muscling in on their territory. Turning water into wine would likewise constitute a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act.

Even the Sermon on the Mount might be interpreted in some quarters as a form of sedition; for daring to suggest it will be the meek who shall inherit the earth, not the bankers and their multi-million pound bonuses. The Ascension into Heaven itself, might also come to be regarded as the work of an unscrupulous illusionist.

Were Jesus to repeat his act of walking on water, most likely he would be prosecuted for not only holding an unlicensed outdoor event, but for numerous other breaches of the health & safety laws too.

Riding a donkey on the public highway would definitely incur the wrath of officialdom: from the RSPCA for animal cruelty, to the traffic police for not wearing a safety helmet.

And lastly, my own particular favourite. Driving the moneylenders from the Temple would nowadays be regarded as behaviour likely to cause bullying and harassment, and furthermore, incur the undisguised wrath of Mayor Boris.

Perhaps under these circumstances, it might be best if Jesus weren’t British. For he would surely risk arrest, fines and possible imprisonment, living in a country where both anti-religious bias and phone hacking seems to have become the norm.

If the Pharisees of two thousand years ago didn’t appreciate his efforts the first time round, it is highly unlikely that the PC brigade of today would do so either.

.. (Editorial)

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If Jesus Were British...He'd Have a Criminal Record!!

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