The Guardian front page, January 16th.
Give Queen a new royal yacht for diamond jubilee, says Michael Gove
Exclusive: Education secretary proposes taxpayers fund gift – likely to cost at least £60m – to mark 'momentous occasion'
Andrew Splash, Michael Gove’s unfortunate spin doctor, tore the paper to shreds and then threw the remains at Michaels head. It rained down upon the disgraced MP like confetti made of hate.
"A yacht Michael? A fucking yacht!"
“But I love the Queen!” whined conservative politician Michael Gove. “She deserves a yacht more than stupid poor people deserve food!”
“You idiot! This isn’t a wedding or a Christmas day speech. When the country’s in recession you don’t buy people yachts, you buy them a card!” roared Splash.
“Well I feel very strongly about this,” huffed Michael.
“Fascinating, meanwhile the voters feel very strongly that you should be sacked. I want you apologising to the nation in the next ten minutes.”
“I don’t want too.”
“Shut up and put on this earpiece. Now you do everything I command Gove, or I’ll be quitting this irritating job and selling those pictures of you to every newspaper I can.”
“What pictures?” asked Gove.
Splash smiled. “Those pictures.”
Michael gulped and did a little wee in his trousers. He had no choice but to apologise for how much he loved the monarchy. A single patriotic tear ran down his cheek as he stuck the speaker into his ear.
“Don’t screw this up Gove. If everything you believed poured out of that stupid gob of yours you would have been assassinated years ago.”
“I suppose,” said Michael, who didn’t like being told off.
“The journalists are waiting in the next room. Just go up onto the stage and I’ll take care of everything.”
Michael trotted nervously into the next room which was as full of journalists as he had feared. Most of them had pens. One of them was using an iPad. Another had a live video link to BBC news.
Michael fought the urge to scream like a little girl and went up to the podium.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen,” said Michael.
“Good morning Michael Gove,” sang the journalists in perfect unison. Michael frowned with rage; he hated it when journalists did that. Then he remembered what he was here for and reset his face to apology mode.
“I would like to formally apologise…” began Splash, whispering away into Michael’s terrified ears.
“I would like to formally apologise,” began Michael “for the proposition I put forward yesterday about buying her Majesty the Queen a new yacht. I understand that in these tough economic times, my wonderful idea was distasteful to the ears of the poor.”
Splash sneered with contempt, as he had never told Michael to say ‘wonderful.’ Making a mental note to punch Michael in the testicles later as punishment, Splash checked Twitter to see how Gove’s apology was going down.
•He’s made a full apology. I now respect him and will tell all my friends how great he is. #MichaelGove
•#Gove FTW! Lol #pleasefollowme #noonefollowsmeidontgeddit #imsoalone
•Brilliant apology, I shall donate ten billion pounds to the conservative party right away. #Gove
Splash’s sneer changed to a smug grin. He had done it, the apology was going down a storm and Gove was back on top. Splash laughed, people were such morons.
As we all know, it is never wise to laugh into a microphone when it leads into a speaker in Michael Gove’s ear. It is especially unwise if Michael Gove has just finished making an apology, as Michael Gove is the kind of man who will happily recount anything he hears in an earpiece to a crowd of journalists. In fact, that’s exactly what he did.
‘HAHAHAHAHA!’ laughed Michael Gove, silencing the journalists.
Though that silence didn’t last long.
“Mr Gove, why are you laughing at poor people?” asked a journalist from The Times
“Do you find poverty hilarious Mr Gove?” inquired a newsreader for ITV.
“What the fuck have you gone and done now?” said Michael Gove, who still hadn’t learnt his lesson about blindly recounting things he was hearing in his earpiece.
The journalists exploded with excitement, updating their blogs, calling their editors, bombarding Gove with questions. This was no longer a boring apology; it was a front page story.
Splash turned off the microphone and had a good long scream of pure hatred for Michael Gove. Sweating repulsively, Splash refreshed Twitter.
•Gove hates the poor! LYNCH HIM UP.
•UNFOLLOW. #Gove #worsethanhitler
•I am both shocked and appalled by Gove’s comments. I have decided to no longer donate my ten billion pound fortune to the conservatives, and will instead spend it on hacking Twitter so I can use more than 140 characters in my tweets.
Splash screamed again, even louder this time. He hated losing ten billion pound fortunes. Struggling to control himself he turned on the microphone and stated speaking, desperately trying to salvage the situation.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” began Michael, who couldn’t understand why everyone was getting so angry. “I would like to apologise for my recent laughter at my use of the words ‘poor people.’ Some of my best friends are poor people, and I can’t apologise enough.”
The journalists each raised an eyebrow of suspicion.
“I will be making a large donation to charity to prove the sincerity of this apology. Who knows, maybe me being a bit poorer will help me learn my lesson.”
Splash sighed with relief. The journalists laughed and Michael’s eyes lit up. For you see, Michael liked being a politician, but his real dream had always been to become a brilliant stand-up comedian. Some nights he would fantasize of performing at the royal variety performance, delighting his beloved Queen. Tragically, he had never got a laugh before, apart from that time he had fallen over on Sky News. Realizing his dream was coming true before his very eyes, he decided to leave the journalists in stitches with another zinger.
“I mean it’s not like poor people are as bad as gypsies! Man those things stink! Am I right folks?”
The journalists didn’t laugh. However, they did nearly break the internet. Splash pondered suicide, but instead for reasons we may never know, he checked Twitter
•#DEATH TO GOVE
•RT #DEATH TO GOVE
•RT #DEATH TO GOVE LOL :D
“I would like to apologise for my remarks about gypsies. I meant to say immigrants.”
“I would like to apologise for my comments about immigrants. I think they are fine contributors to our society, unlike Muslims who just confuse me by dressing as black ghosts.”
“I would like to apologise for my recent statement about Muslims. I was just saying what we all thinking. Am I right folks?”
“I would like to apologise…”
On and on it went. Eventually the journalists left, too disgusted to stay for yet another apology. Splash turned off the microphone and hung himself. As for Michael Gove, well he kept on apologising and apologising and apologising. Some say he’s still in that room, apologising to this very day.
..
OPEN LINK
Michael Gove is really, really sorry
Posted by TheTomStrange (#865) 121 days ago (http://www.guardian.co.uk)Tweet
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