Can it only be twelve months since we sat in our front rooms, drinking beer and scratching ourselves in our underpants whilst watching William and "Her Royal Highness To Be" Waity Kate Middleton walking down the aisle?
Apparently so.
In such a short space of time we’ve not only taken them to our hearts and minds but followed their every move like some sort of pervy stalker with a bizarre penchant for balding men and gazelles in sling-back shoes.
In their first year together we’ve witnessed such wonderful scenes as the ones in Canada broadcast on their first official trip when Kate wore a Cricketing dress, shovelled soil in a pair of Louboutins and got jeered and yelled at by Republican Activists in ill fitting shorts.
Who could forget her first public speech given at an Ipswich Hospice in which she stuttered, faltered and flicked her hair before smiling and passing out in the back of a Range Rover exhausted at the exertion of having to breathe AND talk at the same time? Such beautiful and memorable moments to treasure for always.
A Celebration
Of course, since their marriage one question has cropped up repeatedly - no more so yesterday than when the golden couple hosted a reception at Goldsmith’s Hall for a group of Polar Trekkers. The couple were seen to be cooing over a newborn baby which begged several commentators to ask “Is William firing blanks?” After all, it’s been a whole year and they’re no nearer placing a pony in the stable.
Privately, the couple are said to be taking it “one shag at a time” and are in no rush to deliver an heir to the throne despite current incumbent Liz Windsor (86) pressing them heavily on the matter, like a Regal Marlon Brando.
Palace sources have revealed that Mrs Windsor (still 86, still alive, still hanging onto the crown for dear life) has written to the couple urging them to “try a bit harder” saying: “It didn’t take Phil and I that long before Charles came along, though if we’re both honest we’d wanted a spunkier child, perhaps one who fiddled with his cuffs less and kept his trap shut about architecture…”
The letter also reveals the Queen has very modern views about their romance and ways in which they could spice things up. “Have you ever eaten at a Harvester?” she asks them, directly. “One is led to believe they are very reasonable. Kate looks like a nice steak or two would cheer her up and put some meat on those bones, plus the zinc might make William’s bald patch shrink a bit…”
The Harvester comment possibly refers to concerns that had been previously raised about Kate’s thin frame being the possible culprit in the non-showing of a new baby. However, the cause of her appearance has been put down to the recent introduction of George Osborne’s “Pasty Tax”, and the fact she can now no longer afford to just “nip to Greggs” for a Steak Bake like she used to. Sources close to the couple say that “these are worrying and trying times for everyone. The lack of money for pastry based comestibles is truly shocking. Something should be done”.
Royal Recession
With this in mind and ever keen to show themselves as being in touch with the times, the young couple want to show themselves as being “money aware” and knowledgeable about the plight of many people in the country during this time of recession.
William’s father Charles has privately taken the couple both aside and offered them “a few quid” towards looking at the best mortgages as they, like many other married people struggle to make ends meet in their swanky, staffed apartments at Kensington Palace.
William, it’s said, would like to put the money towards a weekend aeroplane for runs out to the Bahamas, while Kate would rather it went towards something “charitable” like a good trim of her split ends.
Kate is already known, of course, for her acts of charity as she has worn the same dress more than once to two separate occasions. This unprecedented move only served to make her more popular amongst housewives who seek to emulate her style by mopping their kitchen floors and wiping up toddler sick in their LK Bennett dresses and, of course, Princess Anne (who cuts her old frocks up for pan scrubs).
According to PR gurus, these acts of selflessness are up there with wandering across a field, decorated with landmines, dressed in white, highlights dappled by the sun and a grim stamp of “are the cameras picking me up looking heartbroken?” on your face.
All that remains is to wish both William and Kate many more happy years together before he inevitably starts making an arse of himself on Royal visits to Africa and she loses her looks and has an affair with her Polo instructor. Bless them all.
.. (Editorial)
