Ann's Genuinely Disturbing Review of Breaking Dawn Part One Maybe

3
Vote

Ann's Genuinely Disturbing Review of Breaking Dawn Part One Maybe

Posted by yankeeblue (#14) 177 days ago (Editorial)

Ann's Genuinely Disturbing Review of Breaking Dawn Part One Maybe

If you’re like me, going to the movies these days is a crap shoot you don’t take lightly. Movies must be chosen very carefully, for absolutely uncompromising and excellent reasons. You go to the movies because you want to be deeply entertained and edified. You want to learn. You want to laugh. You want to grow through the medium of cinematic art and eat buttered popcorn at the same time! You’re getting older, after all, and you secretly wonder why you used to bemoan wearing your fuzzy purple slippers and spending an evening with a cup of boiling hot tea and an edgy book recently reviewed by the slightly snooty New York Times. Going to the movies seems vaguely passe, like a pastime that was more fun when you thought a bowl of Doritos was a balanced dinner meal. But hey, you added a nice green salad to it, didn’t you? ‘Nuff said!

Now you’re aging, and if you see a movie, it’s gotta be great. Especially if you’re like me, a cranky introverted writer type deeply suspicious of the human race, even when tipsy. It’s a no brainer, really. You’re spending time in a theater with increasingly technology addicted humans and paying top dollar for the privilege. And of course, wearing slippers in public is usually frowned upon. Even in Portland, Oregon! So you choose your inspiring, uplifting, Oscar worthy movie. You pay your money (equaling, of course, nine movies rented through Redbox, a strange red thing that somehow reminds this geeky writer of Dr. Who’s the tardis. Tom Baker, of course). You slip into your sticky seat and prepare to be entertained, blown sky high, transcended. Even without the aid of several Ghiradelli Brownies! You’re wearing sneakers, even. You choose wisely, because this film is necessary for sheer, unadulterated happiness equal to roughly one hundred twenty minutes taken from your short and one and only life. You don’t really remember those other rough incarnations, do ya?

You guessed it, folks! You chose this particular damn movie for one brilliant reason alone: it stars both Robert Pattison and Taylor Lautner! Two men so easy on the eyes it’s like they were created just to be eye candy for the rest of us mere mortals. And one of them removes his shirt within five minutes. It’s a good day to be alive, my friends.

Yes, it’s Breaking Dawn, Twiharders, and this is my wholly unbiased review of a picture that stars both vampires and humans and werewolves, oh my. Got your honey splashed tea all ready? Lovely, ‘cause here we go.

I go to see Breaking Dawn at ten o’clock on a cold n’ snappy Friday evening with my genuinely kind and entertaining friend Nancy. We sit behind a couple who talk quietly, although the female half of the duo will proceed to talk on her cell at least twice during the film. Hey, welcome to the gritty city of Hartford, where anything can happen and usually does! As if to compensate, ying to somebody’s yang, the teenage girls behind us never kick our seats, not even once. I’m tempted to ask them if they were raised by Mormons but I desist, noting my humor has rarely been appreciated during my own lifetime. Maybe it will be a Van Gogh kind of deal. Anyway, the theater is packed, the energy rising and falling and swirling and dancing and forcing me, eventually, to use the lavatory.

When I return we sit through the assaultive previews, including the obligatory “Man Against A Force Far Beyond His Limited and Mortal Comprehension Starring Liam Neeson and His Bulging Manly Forehead” and then the movie begins. The title flashes once, which is colored blood red, naturally, and the entire theater claps and Nancy and me giggle. It’s a great day to be alive! You’re a cynical aging writer without a partner, after all, lately taken to eating bacon sandwiches and listening to Elvis Presley songs. Then again, everyone needs a hobby. But I digress.

Immediately the intensity is here, the way I wanted it, deep down where my angsty soul broods like a teenage vampire’s with a cop for a Dad and a flake for a Mom. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are getting married! If you don’t know who these characters are, one is a teenage girl and one is a teenage vampire, and both are very sensual and attractive and sincere creatures.

We soon see Bella and her vampire gal pals dressing Bella in a gorgeous gown (“ooh!” cries Nancy next to me, as the blessed beautiful laced up back is shown) and doing her perfect cascading dark brown hair. So suspiciously like a vampire’s set of tresses! Bella’s Dad is that rare movie beast, a funny cynical cop who cracks sad one-liners about his little girl getting married and growing up. Bella’s kooky flake of a Mom (you were forewarned) shows up without her second husband. We saw him briefly in the first film Twilight, and he appeared to have good legs but a limited vocabulary. She presses her lithe cheek to her little girl’s pale face and cries and such. Alice, that stunningly good hearted vampire who can read minds, is very happy that Bella will soon be her sister-in-law. Alice is always happy, and I am quite sure that in her silky underwear drawer is a lifetime’s supply of vampire Xanax.

But this is a movie, after all, and there is always a fly in the ointment. And this is a complicated ointment, folks! In this case, the sticky substance’s name is Jacob, and he is an unhappy teenage werewolf who spends a lot of time brooding and shirtless. And no, not that kind of substance, and I’m sorry your mind is so filthy. Anyway, this cranky writer is not complaining much about Jacob’s penchant for going shirtless. Even though the pacific Northwest, where our broody and agonizing story takes place, is pretty darn cold and rainy. All year round, even. Visit the little town of Forks and you’ll soon see what I mean! But the townspeople are lovely, if strangely unaware of all the vampire activity around them.

To make a long four book series short, Jacob is angry that Bella is marrying Edward. It’s elementary, my dear Watson: he loves her madly. In the previous book turned film (known to obsessive Twiharders as Eclipse), our staunch and stalwart wolf-boy tried in vain to win her heart. He failed, although several steamy kisses were exchanged. As a result wolf-boy got to spend even more time shirtless. Here he is half-naked and deeply sad and angry at the same time. This choked up writer fiercely agrees that grief is a sad thing, and ogles him with a tear in her eye while Nancy giggles again.

Anywho, eventually Bella and Edward are joined in unholy human-vampire bliss. Of course all Twiharders know that Bella will soon join the very pale ranks of the undead! The Twilight series was written by a Mormon, however, just like those girls sitting behind me, so our vampires do not feed on humans. Nope! You heard it here first! That’s the other fly in the ointment, my precious and discerning readers! These are good vampires who sparkle in the sun without their shirts on! Yes, rent Twilight and you’ll see Edward sparkle madly while Bella casts about in vain for a tanning salon in the nearby Forks area. This is one pale sparkly boy but dig it, can you? These are reformed vampires who feed on animals and do good deeds and drive shiny Volvos because they have money coming out of their undead asses. Edward’s adopted Daddy, Dr. Cullen, even saves lives, all the while wearing a hair piece Donald Trump would envy. Peter Facinelli plays Dr. Cullen, and is very attractive whilst not wearing bad pancake make-up. It’s hard to fathom that puzzling truth as you study his anguished good deed doing vampire face. But again I digress.

Soon Bella and Edward are headed to Brazil for their honeymoon. By that I mean they fly to Rio de Janeiro, where Edward inexplicably and quite deftly pilots a speedboat to a private island that Daddy Doctor owns. You half expect Tattoo from Fantasy Island to be hanging off the side, begging somebody to let him on board as his tiny body drowns, the waves whipping over him as Edward speeds on, oblivious to his plight.

But yowsa hey, this is the life! The entire audience tenses in a spasm full of all kinds of incomprehensible and romantic yearnings. Meanwhile, the woman in front of me answers her first phone call. At their private and mind blowingly beautiful private island retreat, Bella freaks out as one of many alternative songs written for angst-ridden twenty-somethings plays in the background. She realizes the unvarnished truth: soon she and Edward will do the deed! Meanwhile Edward takes a nice swim in their private ocean, seemingly unperturbed.

The audience sighs together, for at last our romantic duo is truly together and alone! Somewhere, Jacob is howling sad Jacob wolf cries. Team Jacob, are they are known in Twihard Universe Speak, grits their collective teeth as they watch Bella heading into the water without her birthday suit to join her equally naked hubby for a little skinny-dipping. They can’t forgive Bella for choosing a vampire over a werewolf. This writer cries with joy, being a member of Team Edward from way back.

Edward and Bella kiss in the water and swirl around making moon-eyes at each other as the audience woo-hoos. The moment has arrived for this virginal couple to finally consummate their mad, bad, improbable passion! Jacob was horrified to think of Edward’s super strength on this night of a million wrecked beds; the audience simply giggles. In a matter of minutes we see the aftermath of vampire on human passion, which consists of twisted iron headboards and a lot of goose down pillow feathers floating gently through the air.

But ah, how does this writer compress the rest of the film into a review that will make you long to see the film? How does she not give everything away? How does she describe the rest of the delicious mayhem to follow?

She ends her review here, in a tantalizing kind of way. But soon, very soon, she will offer you…PART TWO. Maybe.

Copyright by Ann J. Witt*

*Don’t copy her writing, or it will deeply piss her the fuck off. Got it, folks? Off to drink some, er, blood.

.. (Editorial)

Readers | Discuss | eMail Story To Friend

Movie Spoofs & Parodies | twilight breaking dawn All

Share on Tumblr

Who Voted for this Story

Satirical Cartoon of the Day

source: Evil Crayon

Popular

Please Do Not Look At This:

We Made These:

About The Daily Satire

The Daily Satire is your source of the latest and most popular news satire, political humor, and other things that clever people like you find funny. Take a look around, you'll find loads of cool stuff from political cartoons to spoof news, funny memes and social satire. Open an account, or log in using facebook, and you can sumbit your own links, publish your own satirical articles, follow your favorite writers, and vote on the best funny news stories of the day to help us choose what to promote from our 'latest' to our 'popular' sections. Click the 'About The Daily Satire' Link above for more in depth information

Ann's Genuinely Disturbing Review of Breaking Dawn Part One Maybe

Comments

Who Voted for this Story