The Turn of the 21st Century
Tired of their leaders’ inability to create any sort of harmony on Earth, the world’s nations got together one day to try to work out their problems themselves. This is an account of what transpired at that meeting.
“Alright,” said the United States “Are we ready to begin?”
“Excuse me,” said France, “But who made the U.S. president of the world? And why is it running this meeting?”
“I made myself president,” replied the U.S. “And I’m running this meeting because I can, so shut up.”
“I motion for the removal of the United States from the presidency of the world,” replied France.
“I second that motion,” said French Guinea.
“Well I make a counter-motion stating that no one likes France,” responded the U.S.
“Seconded,” said Algeria.
“And what is French Guinea doing here?” continued the U.S. “It’s a French territory.”
“Commonwealth,” replied French Guinea “And North Korea let me in.”
“Now why would you do something like that?” asked the U.S.
“Out of spite. Sue me,” replied North Korea.
“Right. French Guinea can stay. Let’s just get this meeting started. I’ll begin by taking roll.”
“I object,” said Russia.
“Russia, why do you always feel the need to object to everything I do?”
“Because I’m bigger than you.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m sorry,” responded Russia, “I can’t hear your puny voice over the booming sound of my breathing. Could you please repeat that?”
“God you’re such a jerk,” said the U.S. “Whatever. We’re taking role.”
“I motion that roll should be taken in reverse alphabetical order,” said Zambia.
“No, dammit!” responded the United States, more than a little annoyed at the direction of the proceedings “I’m taking role alphabetically and that’s that. Now let’s begin. Is Afghanistan here?”
Only the sound of Iran coughing on Israel broke the silence that reigned over the meeting.
“Afghanistan?” repeated the U.S.
More silence.
“Where the hell is Afghanistan?” asked the U.S.
“Well, all the world’s states are present at this meeting,” replied Slovenia, “Perhaps Afghanistan is not a true country.”
“What nonsense is this?” answered the U.S. “Of course Afghanistan is a country. It has defined borders on a map. It has to be a country!”
“Then why isn’t Afghanistan at this meeting?” asked Kazakhstan.
“Of course it is!” answered the U.S.
“I see a conspicuous lack of Afghanistan,” said Kyrgyzstan.
“Well it has to be here somewhere,” said the U.S. looking around.
Just then, the United States fell backwards from its chair with a yell, and hit itself on the wall behind. It groaned in agony as blood ran freely from a deep gash at the back of its head. A rat scurried out from beneath the U.S. and into Afghanistan’s desk. A host of countries rushed to the United States’ assistance.
“Are you ok?” asked Great Britain.
“Do you need help getting up?” asked Spain.
“Do you need medical attention?” asked the Netherlands.
“I’m hurt, but I’ll be fine,” replied the U.S. tersely as it rose to its feet and examined its chair. “Apparently, the rat that just ran off chewed through the two back legs of my chair.”
“What are you going to do?” asked the Czech Republic.
“Get my revenge,” replied the U.S. darkly “I am going to hunt down and kill every rat, everywhere.” The anger steadily rose in its voice. “I am going to flush them out, drive them out of their hiding places, and kill every last one of them.”
“Come on, U.S.” responded France, “We all understand that you are upset—and rightfully so—but there will always be rats. You can reduce their numbers, manage the damage they do, but you cannot possibly expect to kill every rat in existence.”
“I will kill every rat, everywhere!” repeated the United States, “I am declaring a War on Rats! And if you are not with me, then you are against me!”
“Whoa, whoa, calm down U.S.” said Italy, “We all empathize with your anger and frustration, and we will destroy the rat that chewed through your chair together, but do not confuse your friends with your enemies and lash out against those that want to help you. What France is saying is that rats have been around since the dawn of time. They are everywhere, and when they get out of hand we manage the problem. Take some time for introspection before you embark on a rash course.”
“I have no time to waste on introspection!” replied the U.S. “Only action!”
“Take some time to think things through,” said the Czech Republic, “Draw up a well-organized plan, and we will do what we can to help you achieve it.”
“I’m tired of this nonsense!” said the U.S., finally running out of patience “No thinking! Just doing! Did anyone see where that rat went?”
“I think I saw it run into Afghanistan’s desk,” said India.
“Fine. I don’t have the luxury of wasting time on thinking, or plans, or other means of wasting my time. I’ll take care of this myself.”
The United States opened its desk, grabbed a baseball bat, strode to Afghanistan’s empty desk, and started smashing it to pieces. It exploded with rats upon the first hit like an overstuffed piñata. The U.S. chased down and bludgeoned every rodent it saw. Some, however, managed to get away and scampered into Pakistan’s desk.
“Pakistan!” yelled the United States “Kill those rats!”
“Ummm… what rats?” asked Pakistan.
“The rats that are in your desk!” replied the U.S. “I just saw them run in there.”
“I don’t have any rats in my desk,” said Pakistan, its eyes shifting uneasily from side to side.
“Yes you do!” shouted the U.S. “Stop lying!”
“Alright, maybe a couple of rats,” responded Pakistan, “But they’re really far back in the corners, and there’s stuff in the way…”
“I swear Pakistan, if you don’t start killing some rats, I’m going to march right over there and kill you.”
“Oh, alright,” said Pakistan as it grabbed a small rat and crushed it under its foot, “Are you happy now?”
“No,” replied the United States, “But it’s a start. Now I need to do something about that empty Afghani seat.”
The United States rushed out of the meeting and into the street outside. Several minutes passed uneventfully except for Iran sneezing on Saudi Arabia.
“What the hell?” ejaculated Saudi Arabia.
“Sorry, sorry,” replied Iran “It won’t happen again.”
The United States burst back into the meeting holding a homeless man with blatantly violent psychological problems.
“Sorry about that,” said the U.S. as the homeless man struggled in its hold while muttering some incomprehensible babble, “I tried to hurry back as soon as I could. I knew it wouldn’t be long before the international system collapsed without my presence.”
“No. Everything went on just fine without you,” said Japan.
“So nothing happened?”
“Iran sneezed on me,” tattled Saudi Arabia.
“Well cut that out,” said the U.S.
“I did,” said Iran.
“What is that supposed to be?” motioned Germany as the homeless man continued to jerk about under the United States’ grip.
“This,” replied the U.S. “Is Afghanistan. The Afghani seat was empty, so I found someone to take it.”
“And where, pray tell, did you find Afghanistan?” asked Tajikistan.
“In the gutter outside.”
“How cliché,” muttered France.
“And you did not think to take your time and find a more adequate individual to take a country’s seat?” asked India.
“God, no. I had time constraints.”
“And what time constraints would those be?” inquired Russia.
“I was faced with an urgent dilemma that needed to be solved immediately. I did not have the luxury of taking my time.”
“So you rushed yourself to find a solution to a problem of your own making?” asked Turkmenistan.
“Correct,” responded the U.S. as it wrestled Afghanistan into its seat.
“Uh, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this,” said Pakistan as it eyed Afghanistan warily.
“Oh calm yourself,” said the U.S. “I am in complete control of Afghanistan. You are perfectly safe.”
At just that moment, Afghanistan wrenched itself from the U.S.’s grip and punched Pakistan squarely in the jaw.
“Oh, this is too good,” chuckled China.
“What the hell?” yelled Pakistan “Control that psychotic asshole!”
“I might need a little help here,” said the U.S. as Afghanistan continued to struggle its way out of its grip. “Um, Canada, Germany, Great Britain, do you mind lending a hand?”
“You got yourself into this predicament,” said Canada “Why should we be the ones to get you out of it?”
“Because I asked politely. Now come help me.”
Afghanistan pried itself away from the U.S. and lunged feet-first at Yemen, landing a massive dragon kick dead center of its sternum.
“Someone better do something about this!” exclaimed Saudi Arabia.
“Fine,” said Germany. “Let’s go.”
Great Britain, Germany, Canada, and the U.S. yanked Afghanistan off Yemen, carried it back to its seat, and expended several roles of duct tape tying it down.
“Well now that that’s over and done with…” said the U.S.
“What do you mean ‘over and done with?’” interrupted an indignant Saudi Arabia, “You haven’t gotten that basket case of your own making remotely under control yet.”
“Now that that’s over and done with,” repeated the U.S. in a louder voice, “I can move on to the next greatest threat to my sovereignty.”
“And what is that?” asked Mexico.
“Iraq,” responded the U.S.
Most every country gave the United States a look they usually reserved for people who collect and preserve their own toenail clippings.
“What the hell are you talking about?” asked France.
“Iraq has been sheltering the very same rats that attacked me in its desk,” replied the U.S. “What’s more, its been training them to carry out even worse attacks.”
“Are you absolutely daft?” asked a very stunned Iraq after taking a little time to process the United States’ accusations, “I don’t have any rats in my desk. That is the absolutely dumbest claim in a long line of dumb things that you have ever said.”
“You do too have rats in your desk!” retorted an incensed United States, “And I can prove it! I have pictures!”
The United States opened its briefcase and held up a paper.
“This is absolutely indisputable proof that Iraq is harboring rats, and is planning on using them to conduct attacks against myself and my friends!”
“Let me see that paper,” said Germany.
“Gladly!” responded the U.S. “Here you go.”
The United States handed Germany the paper. Germany studied it for a several seconds.
“The edges are torn,” said Germany.
“Yes well, what matters is not the state of the document itself, but what it substantiates,” replied the U.S.
Germany looked it over a few moments more.
“And it has almost certainly been torn from a child’s coloring book,” continued Germany.
“Well…ummmm… I’m sure don’t know what you are talking about,” said the U.S. nervously.
“It’s a picture of a gerbil taken from a coloring book,” said Germany.
“Ummm… no it’s not…”
“And someone has scrawled the word “RAT” underneath it.”
“I…don’t know what you are talking about…”
“And it seems that same person has drawn a rather crude hand grenade on the gerbil’s back with a blue crayon.”
“That is preposterous!” replied the U.S. after pausing and gaining some of its composure, “This document is absolute proof of Iraq’s misdealing.”
“It’s a picture of a gerbil with a hand grenade drawn on its back,” corrected Germany.
The U.S. was done with composure.
“No it isn’t!” pouted a thoroughly peeved United States while clenching its fists stomping its feet, “It’s all the proof I need! I’m going to attack Iraq! Whoever wants to come is welcome! Whoever doesn’t…well… go screw yourself!”
Great Britain, Spain, Italy, Poland, Australia, South Korea, Georgia, Ukraine, and the Netherlands stood up from their desks and advanced on Iraq with the United States.
“This is insanity!” cried Iraq, “I pose no threat to any of you!”
“Shut you damned mouth and take a beating with composure,” replied the U.S.
They all fell on Iraq, and quickly hammered it into submission.
Iraq lay broken and bleeding on the floor, ignored by its victors. The United States and its allies stood about the scene of conflict, idly making conversation over what they should do with their vanquished enemy. Sensing an opportunity to come back from the mauling they received at the U.S.’s hands, some of the rats in Pakistan’s desk scurried out of their sanctuary and into Iraq’s, and then Yemen’s desks. Those in the Iraqi desk swarmed over the conquerors, biting into their exposed hands, faces, and necks. One made its way into Spain’s trousers and bit clean through its Achilles tendon. Spain toppled over, face-planting hard on the floor.
“Forget this!” said Spain as it got up and hobbled back to its seat, “The rest of you can deal with the rats. I’ve had enough!”
Shortly thereafter, Great Britain received a nasty bite to the back of the neck as it struggled to pry the rats off itself, but continued fighting.
Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, and learning from the misfortunes that had befallen their friends, the Netherlands and Italy went back to their seats immediately. Australia, Poland, Ukraine, South Korea, and Georgia were next. Exhausted, bloodied, and disenchanted with the whole proceedings, Great Britain finally left as well.
Seeing the success their comrades were having against the United States and its partners, the rest of the rats in Pakistan’s desk rushed out and ferociously attacked Afghanistan and Pakistan.
Pakistan beat the majority of them back into the corners of the desk’s drawers. Nevertheless, one would periodically jump out and give it a nasty bite.
Afghanistan had no such luck. Unable to force the rats off itself due to the duct tape wrapped around its body, it lay helpless, completely unable to defend itself. As the United States remained resolutely absorbed with its Iraqi debacle, the rats recolonized the battered remains of Afghanistan’s desk, and ran up and its body, mercilessly sinking their teeth into its flesh when and where they pleased.
Still suffering from the effects of the blows it received in the initial attack, Iraq flew into a series of violent spasms. It jerked uncontrollably back and forth across the floor, violently slamming its flailing arms, legs, and head against desks and chairs, and doing a tremendous amount of damage to itself. Seeing this, the United States grabbed Iraq, slapped it out of its seizure, and propped it uneasily back into its chair. Together, they methodically killed off the majority of the rats in its desk, and running across the carpet about them. Eventually, they forced the survivors to retreat into the further confines of the desk.
“Alright Iraq,” said the U.S. “Do you think you can handle yourself from here on out?”
“Can I handle myself from here on out?” demanded Iraq angrily, “You senselessly attacked me under completely fabricated pretenses, beat me into a seizure, and created the perfect circumstances for the rats to make a haven for themselves out of my desk. And now you want to know if I can handle myself!?”
“Well…can you?”
“Yes dammit! Just leave me alone!”
“Good enough for me,” and the United States as it turned its attention back to a lacerated and bleeding Afghanistan.
Noticing that everyone’s attention was elsewhere, Pakistan quietly opened its desk, pulled out a rat, and flung it at India.
The rat landed squarely on India’s head, clawing at its eyes and biting its nose. Caught completely off guard, and thoroughly surprised by the fierceness of the attack, India hesitated while the rat continued to tear into its face. Finally, after a full minute had gone by, it grabbed the rat off itself, and bashed it into the ground.
“Pakistan!” screamed India, “You filthy breeder of vermin! I know it was who threw that rat!”
“I did no such thing!” insisted Pakistan.
“Yes you did you barefaced liar!” responded India, “I have a right mind to go over there and bash your head in!”
“Well come on them,” replied Pakistan, getting up from its chair, “Bring it!”
“Gladly!” said India as it also rose from its chair.
Several countries interposed themselves between the would-be belligerents.
“Come on, Pakistan. Just calm down. This is no time to be starting a meaningless war,” said the United States, as irony of its words zoomed unnoticed over its head.
“Take it easy, India,” said Great Britain to India, “Don’t let this escalate unnecessarily.”
India and Pakistan sat back down, but kept a very close eye on each other.
As the U.S. walked back to Afghanistan, one of the rats that had remained hidden until that point jumped out Yemen’s desk, soared through the air, and came within inches of landing a bite on the United States’ left ear. Instead, it whizzed past its head and splattered itself on a column with a sickening crunch.
“That’s it!” cried the U.S. “That was way too close. I have had enough of these rats! Hey Pakistan!”
“What?” responded Pakistan.
“Do you like cookies?”
“I love cookies!” replied Pakistan
“Well, there’s a giant plate of them right behind you!”
“Really??” asked a thoroughly excited Pakistan as it turned its entire body around to get a look at the aforementioned cookies.
Taking advantage of the fact that its attention was focused elsewhere, the United States quickly and quietly reached into Pakistan’s desk, grabbed the biggest, fattest rat, bashed its head in, rushed to the bathroom, and flushed it down the toilet.
“Hey, U.S. I didn’t see the cookies you told me… Wait a second!” yelled a very surprised and angry Pakistan as the U.S. sauntered out of the bathroom with a gigantic grin on its face, “You were just in my desk, weren’t you!?”
“Yep,” responded a very smug United States.
“What the hell, man!?” asked Pakistan angrily, “I didn’t give you permission to do that! You can’t just go in there unless I say you can!”
“The hell I can’t!” retorted the U.S. “The rats were using your desk to stage attacks against me, and you weren’t doing shit about it. I went in there and did your job for you.”
“I am so angry at you!” seethed Pakistan as it stood from its chair.
“And I couldn’t possibly care less,” replied the U.S.
Pakistan sat back down, but glared at the United States, practically foamed with rage. The U.S. took great pleasure in ignoring its fuming ally, and turned its attention back to the other countries in the meeting.
“Let’s back down to business,” said the U.S. “Does any state have a grievance that it wishes to see addressed?”
Every country in the meeting raised its hand.
“Let me rephrase that,” said the U.S., a little surprised at the response, “How many countries feel that their grievances need to be solved immediately?”
Every country raised its hand again.
“Fine. I see that we are not going to get anywhere like this. I’ll just have to pick one of you at random.”
The United States spun itself around several times until it was absolutely sure that it had no coherent sight left, stopped, and pointed an uneasy finger at Micronesia.
“Alright Micronesia” said the Unites States as the sky kept stubbornly spinning around its head, “What are your grievances?”
“Too much rain.”
“Are you kidding me? That’s not a real grievance. Sit back down and let me know when you’re ready with one. Would anyone else like to go next?”
Great Britain raised its hand.
“What grieves you Great Britain?”
“I find an acute profusion of precipitation to be an aggravating persistence and constant hindrance to my sovereignty.”
The United States pulled out a pocket dictionary and quickly thumbed through it.
“You just said exactly what Micronesia did. Give me a real problem.”
“And how should I do that?”
“Try brainstorming. I find Venn diagrams to be helpful. Now, does any country have a real problem that it would like to have solved that does not include the weather?”
Denmark raised it hand.
“Yes Denmark?” asked the U.S.
“We should really do something about all of the smoke in this room. Nearly all of the countries in here smoke their cigars with no thought to what their actions are doing to our health. They are polluting the very air we breathe. This is bound to be a severe detriment to our well-being in the near future.”
“I don’t know what you mean, and I don’t see any problem with the smoke in the room,” said the U.S. as it lit up a gigantic cigar and took a puff.
“Agreed!” yelled China, Russia, India, Japan, and Germany together as they sucked on their own respective cigars.
“Well, I agree with Denmark,” said Sweden, “All of this smoke is detrimental to our health. It is simply not sustainable. We will reap what we sow, and if we do not take steps to mitigate this problem now, then we will all pay for it later. Everyone needs to cut back significantly on their smoking.”
A rumble of disagreement spread throughout the room.
“Listen, Sweden,” said the U.S. it took another puff and an enormous cloud of smoke traveled out of its mouth, “I can quit smoking whenever I like.”
“Sure you can,” replied Sweden.
“However,” continued the U.S. “I am not willing to make that sort of sacrifice unless countries like China and India cut back as well.”
“Well I for one see no reason for why I should cut back,” said China as it lit another cigar and added it to the seven others it was holding between its fingers.
“Oh come one, China!” said the U.S. “For the love of God, you’re smoking eight different cigars, all at the same time! I mean, who does that?”
“Don’t you preach to me about smoking!” exclaimed China, “You and the other Western countries have been smoking for over a century. I have only recently become affluent enough to buy my own cigars, and I plan on enjoying them!”
“Here here!” shouted India as it lit its fifth cigar, “Do not expect China and me to cut back on our smoking just as we take it up.”
“Well, sorry Denmark,” said the United States, “But I will not stop smoking unless China and India do the same.”
“But don’t you see what this is doing to the rest of us?” cried Denmark, “Your selfish actions are going to cause major problems for the rest of the world.”
“Yeah, don’t care,” replied the U.S. “Any other country have a problem it would like to have addressed?”
A tussle broke out between North and South Korea that soon threatened to turn violent.
“Now stop that,” said the U.S. sternly “Don’t make me separate you two again.”
North and South Korea reluctantly sat back down, but continued to glare at each other from their seats.
Taiwan timidly raised its hand.
“What’s bothering you Taiwan?” asked the U.S.
“China keeps trying to annex me.”
“Yeah, well that’s because I’m stronger than you,” responded China.
The vast majority of the nations nodded in assent to China’s strong sense of rhetoric.
“China does have a point there,” said the United States.
“Well then, how do I protect myself?”
“I suggest you rip the land away from its original inhabitants and then exploit it to wage countless number of pointless wars against your weaker neighbors.”
“But I don’t have any original inhabitants.”
“Then try exploiting class divisions.”
“Or religious ones,” put in Israel “Try setting a whole bunch of barriers. You know, pointless methods of oppression.”
“Physical barriers work best,” added East Germany.
“I know, right!” agreed Israel.
“What the hell?” asked a thoroughly surprised United States, “What is East Germany doing at this meeting?”
“Whatever I damn well please,” retorted East Germany, “The Soviet Union and I came together. But regardless, who are you to tell me that I can’t be here?”
“I’m the United States of America. And you don’t exist. And the Soviet Union doesn’t either.”
“Yes they do exist!” interjected Venezuela, “They are alive and well! They live in my heart and in my soul. They speak to me, telling me of the capitalist lies perpetrated by the Great Satan that is the United States.”
“Amen!” shouted Bolivia.
“They are the great protectors of the people! The workers, the revolutionaries, the masses of lost, impoverished souls!”
“Hallelujah!” cried Bolivia.
“And they live through us! The Soviet Union and East Germany speak through us and imbue us with their wisdom!”
“Preach it! Sing it!” howled Bolivia as it fell to the floor in convulsions and started speaking in tongues.
“We are their successors! The defenders of their truth! We are the chosen ones! Hey, Bolivia.”
“Yes Venezuela?” replied Bolivia as it miraculously snapped out of its trance at Venezuela’s word.
“Did I ever tell you about that time that I was in the countryside, and I needed to go to the bathroom, but there wasn’t a toilet for miles?”
Everyone in the room gave Venezuela a very quizzical look.
“Ummm… no you haven’t,” replied Bolivia, not quite sure of what to make out of the turn in Venezuela’s sermon.
“What is wrong with that country?” whispered Portugal to Brazil.
“Oh this?” replied Brazil, “Yeah, Venezuela’s train of thought has a habit of suddenly and inexplicably derailing. The funny thing is that it doesn’t even notice when it does. It just goes on with its diatribe like it’s the most natural thing in the world.”
“I was in the farmlands after eating an unholy amount of rice and beans,” continued Venezuela, “And, wouldn’t you know it, they all wanted to come back out the other end. Well, there was no bathroom anywhere to be seen. All I had around me was the beautiful countryside. So, I jumped behind a palm tree, and relieved myself of my business. Just as we should relieve ourselves of the Evil Empire’s machinations!”
“Oh why don’t you just shut up already!” interrupted Spain.
Stunned, Venezuela ceased its rant.
“Yes please!” agreed the U.S. “My God… that country never stops talking gibberish. But getting back to the matter at hand, the Soviet Union and East Germany categorically do not exist, and therefore should not be at this meeting.”
“Since when do you judge whether or not a country can exist?” asked the Soviet Union.
“Since my inception. And you don’t. You imploded in 1991 and East Germany united with West Germany back in 1990.”
The two autocratic megaliths were soon wrapped in conference.
“Alright,” said the U.S.S.R. “We’ve come to the conclusion that you might have a point there.”
And East Germany the Soviet Union instantly disappeared from the meeting in a poof of common sense.
“That was positively silly,” said the U.S. “Does anyone else have any issue they would like to bring up?”
“I want more money,” said the U.A.E.
“Yeah! Me too!” concurred Great Britain.
“And me!” shouted Italy.
“Well, alright then. I’m actually glad you brought that up because I just so happen to have something that could make us all a whole hell of a lot more money!” beamed the U.S.
“What is it?” asked Qatar.
“I’ll show you,” replied the U.S.
The United States opened up its desk and pulled out a large black box. A collective “Oooh” arose from the other countries.
“What is that?” asked Greece in a hushed, almost reverential tone.
“This,” replied the U.S., “is my money box.”
“How does it work?” whispered Poland as it tried to catch a glimpse over the United States’ shoulder.
“It’s actually quite simple,” said the U.S. “I open the lid, dump some money into the box, close the lid, wait a couple of seconds, open the lid back up, and voila! More money appears in the box! Allow me to illustrate.”
The United States removed a one-dollar bill from its wallet, put it inside the box, and shut the lid. A large group of countries crowded around the U.S.’s desk, waiting to see what transpired. After a few moments of tense anticipation, the United States reopened the box. The crowd surged forward.
“What happened?” asked Nigeria.
“Did it work?” asked Peru.
“Is there more money?” asked Thailand.
The United States plunged its hands into the box, lifted its arm up, and triumphantly waved two dollars in the air. The crowd of countries immediately burst into cheers.
“I want to put my money into the box!” shouted Oman.
“I do too!” said the Ireland.
“Me first!” said the Portugal.
“No, me!” insisted Iceland.
“Whoa, whoa! Hold on everyone,” said Australia.
The other countries paused.
“Let’s not commit ourselves to anything rash just yet. We don’t even know how this box actually work.”
“I already told you,” said the U.S. “You throw money into the box, close the box, open it back up, and more money appears.”
“Ok,” said Australia, “I understand that. But what are the actual mechanics that create more money after you place the initial amount?”
“Closing the lid,” replied the U.S.
“No, no,” continued Australia, “You’re not understanding the question. What actually happens inside the box once you close the lid?”
“It makes more money,” said the U.S., starting to get annoyed.
“Yes, I get that,” said Australia, rubbing its forehead in frustration, “But what processes inside the box actually produce the additional money?”
“Oh that?” the U.S., “I’m told it’s incredibly complicated.”
“By whom?” asked Australia.
“By the people who created the box,” said the U.S.
“I see. But they didn’t actually tell you how its internal workings operated?”
“No, I guess they didn’t,” responded the U.S. growing more irritated.
“So you actually haven’t the slightest clue about how that box works?”
“Ok, that’s enough of that,” said the U.S., positively agitated, “All I need to know is that it makes me a truly stupid amount of money.”
“Stupid indeed…” muttered Australia.
“I put money into the box, and out comes more money. And who here doesn’t like money??” asked the U.S., turning to the gathered nations.
A shout rang up from the countries around its desk.
“Well then,” said the U.S., “Everyone put your money into the box!”
Almost all the world’s nation lined up and placed their money inside the box. The United States closed the lid as they waited in elated expectation. After the lapse of a few seconds, the U.S. opened the lid to the applause of everyone in the room. It reached into the box, groped around, and turned white as a sheet.
“What’s taking you so long?” joked Great Britain, “Too much money in there for you to pull out?”
“The money…” stammered the U.S.
“Yes! The money!” shouted Austria, “How much money is there?”
“None,” whispered the United States.
“What’s that?” asked Jordan, “Speak up!”
“The money… It’s…it’s…it’s all gone.”
The room burst into a panic.
“What do you mean it’s all gone?” demanded Portugal angrily.
“I put all of my money in there!” cried Iceland and tears started to stream down its face, “I have nothing left!”
“This is going to be the ruin of us all!” exclaimed France.
“Everything is lost!” said Spain.
“I want to kill something!” shouted Honduras.
China, however, eased back into its chair with a giant grin on its face as it watched the pandemonium.
“What are you so happy about?” demanded Japan, “Our money is gone! You’re in this with the rest of us.”
“Oh not at all,” responded China with a chuckle, “I still have an obscene amount of the United States’ own money. I couldn’t lose it all if I tried.”
“Someone please end it all!” cried the U.A.E.
“What am I supposed to do??” begged Iceland, “I have absolutely nothing left!”
“I’m going to light this desk on fire!” shouted Greece.
“Alright, alright everyone,” said the Germany as it took the matches away from Greece and tried to calm the other countries down. “We need come together and try to fix this. Let’s pool our resources and get ourselves out of this mess.”
“I agree with Germany,” said the United States, “I am sure that we can come to an arrangement with some of your neighbors, Iceland. Panic is not going to solve anything right now.”
“This is your damned fault!” shouted Italy, “You’re the one that told us to put out money in that box, when you had no idea how it worked!”
“Well, in the United States’ defense,” said Australia, “You didn’t know either. No one made you put your money in there. You did it yourself.”
The room quieted down a little.
“Alright,” said Germany, “We European powers have been hit pretty hard by this disaster. Let’s clean our house up. Iceland, you say that you lost all of your money?”
“All of it,” moaned Iceland.
“I believe that the Netherlands and I can be of service,” said Great Britain, “We will lend you some money, but you have to promise to give it back later.”
“Yeah, yeah!” said Iceland, “Just give me the money.”
“But you have to pay it back,” said the Netherlands.
“Of course, sure!” replied Iceland.
“You promise?” asked Great Britain a little skeptically.
“I promise, I promise!” insisted Iceland.
“Alright,” said Great Britain while handing Iceland a stack of money, “Here you go.”
“Oh thank God!” exclaimed Iceland, fingering through the bills.
“So when are you going to pay it back?” asked the Netherlands.
“Pay what back?” asked Iceland.
“The money we gave you,” said Great Britain.
“Oh that?” asked Iceland, “Yeah, I already spent it all.”
“You spent it all??” asked a thoroughly surprised Great Britain.
“Yeah, it’s gone,” replied Iceland.
“But we literally gave it to you not ten seconds ago!” exclaimed the Netherlands.
“Well…it’s gone,” said Iceland.
“When are you going to pay it back?” asked Great Britain.
“Well, first I need to decide if I want to pay it back,” said Iceland.
“What do you mean you need to decide if you want to pay it back!” yelled the Netherlands, “We lent you money. You said you would pay it back. And now you go off about deciding whether you want…”
“Shush!” interrupted Iceland.
“Shush?!” exclaimed Great Britain, “How dare you shush…”
“Shush!” repeated Iceland.
“What do you think you’re doing, trying to shush us?” demanded the Netherlands.
“I need to decide if I want to pay you. The way I do that is by going into a trance,” replied Iceland, “And I can’t do that unless you shush!”
Iceland sat down on the carpet and closed its eyes as Great Britain and the Netherlands watched on in frustration.
“Well?” asked Great Britain after several minutes went by in silence.
“Don’t make me shush you again!” replied Iceland, “Anyway, I’m almost done.”
A few more minutes passed as the Netherlands and Great Britain became increasingly agitated.
“Godammit Iceland!” shouted Great Britain in desperation, “Come out of your stupid trance, and tell us if you’re going to pay us already!”
“Luckily for you,” responded Iceland, “I have completed my trance and have come to a decision.”
“Which is?” asked the Netherlands.
“I’m not going to pay you.”
“You asshole!” shouted the Netherlands, “We’re going to sue the shit out of you!”
“We’re going to squeeze every last penny out of you!” added Great Britain.
“Alright, keep it down over there,” said France, “Figure your issues out yourselves. We have other problems in Europe.”
“Yeah!” said Greece, “I have absolutely no money left!”
“Me neither!” chimed Ireland.
“I need money too!” insisted Portugal.
“Me too!” said Spain.
“And me!” added Italy
“Dear God,” muttered Germany, “This is insane.”
“But we need money!” insisted Portugal, “Please help us!”
“Fine,” said Germany after a pause, “I’ll help you.”
“Oh thank God!” said Spain.
“But only if there are some fundamental changes in your behavior.”
“Like what?” asked Ireland.
“Like no more shopping sprees,” said Germany.
All five countries groaned simultaneously.
“Oh, come on!” exclaimed Greece.
“Don’t you ‘come on’ me!” replied Germany, turning sharply at Greece, “’Come on,’ my ass!”
France did its best to suppress a snicker.
“I’m serious!” continued Germany, “And no more cooking the books! You tell me exactly how much money you have. No lying.”
Another groan.
“Am I understood?”
Portugal, Spain, Italy, Greece, and Ireland nodded their heads dejectedly.
“I said, am I understood?” repeated Germany.
“Yes, Germany,” they replied.
“Good. Now come over here and I’ll hand some money.”
They shuffled to Germany’s desk, received their respective bundles of cash, and shuffled back to their chairs.
Tunisia stood up to speak.
“I believe that we North African Nations need to create a greater…Pardon me,” said Tunisia as it adjusted the traditional Arab noose that it wore around its neck, “It is my belief that the North African countries should… Wow this thing is annoying.”
It readjusted the noose once more.
“As I was saying, the North African…” the noose tightened around its neck, stifling its speech.
“Oh, forget this damned thing!” exclaimed Tunisia, finally ripping the noose off of its neck and throwing it on the ground.
A collective gasp went up from the countries in the room.
Tunisia stood over the rope, looking down on the instrument that had caused so much pain and suffering throughout its life in shocked disbelief.
“Wait,” asked Egypt hesitantly, “Can you do that?”
“I guess so,” replied Tunisia, still struggling with the gravity of the act it had committed.
“Then I’m taking mine off too!” shouted Egypt. It took the noose off its neck, and danced around it in elation. The United States and the European countries could only look on, shocked at the unexpected turn of events.
Taking heart at the success of Tunisia and Egypt, several other Arab countries also started to battle against their nooses.
Yemen’s contest commenced in a relatively peaceful manner. It calmly tried to loosen the knot, and slip the rope over its head. However, noticing the jeopardy it was in, the knot suddenly tightened around Yemen’s neck, almost choking it. Yemen, however, turned equally violent, and in a very dangerous move, pulled out a knife and starting to cut through the cords, pricking itself and drawing blood.
Syria’s knot also tightened at the first sign resistance. It fell to the floor as a cry for help was stifled before it passed its lips, but refusing to give up the fight, it resolutely continued in its effort.
Bahrain started to loosen its noose, but was stopped by Saudi Arabia, who slapped its hands away and forced the rope back into its original position.
Compared to their compatriots, Jordan’s and Morocco’s nooses were much looser, and complacent with the relative comfort this provided, they chose to not try to remove them.
Still bearing the scars around its necks from its last attempt, and fearful of the harm another undertaking would cause, Algeria only watched as its neighbors fought for their freedom.
Libya’s struggle turned particularly vicious as its noose tightened to the point of asphyxiating its victim. It desperately tried to pry the rope off its neck, but it soon became horribly apparent to the other countries that Libya was doomed to lose its fight.
Shamed by their slow reaction to Tunisia’s and Egypt’s actions, and resolved to not allow Libya to perish in front on their eyes, Great Britain and France decided to try to enlist the United States’ help.
“Hey U.S.!” said Great Britain.
“What do you want U.K.?” responded the United States while working on a crossword puzzle.
“Libya is going to die it we don’t do something to help it.”
“Oh, that’s nice,” mumbled a thoroughly absorbed U.S. without looking up.
“I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation,” said France forcefully, “If we don’t move now, Libya will die in front of us.”
“Balderdash!” cried the United States.
“Excuse me?” inquired France, taken aback.
“Yeah, 8 Across: Balderdash,” said the U.S., “I was stuck on that one for a while.”
“For the love of all things good!” replied Great Britain, “A country will expire before our very eyes if we don’t help it!”
The United States was too busy staring listlessly into space to respond.
“Dammit man!” shouted France, “Do you not understand the gravity of this situation?”
Shaken from its stupor by France’s outburst, the U.S. groaned in annoyance as slowly got up from its chair.
“Fine!” exclaimed an exacerbated United States, “I’ll join you on your damned Libyan adventure.”
By the time the United States, France, and Great Britain walked over and began cutting at the strands of its noose, Libya was on the point of death. However, after some exertion, they were able to loosen it to where it was once more able to breathe.
“This is typical neocolonial interference!” cried South Africa, “You Western Powers intervene in our African affairs if and when you please, and only when it serves your own needs.”
“Pardon me,” asked Great Britain as it struggled with the hangman’s knot, “But what on Earth are you talking about?”
“I’ll tell you exactly what I’m talking about,” responded South Africa, “You interfere in our domestic policies at will, you take our resources, and you enslave us with your debt.”
Zimbabwe clutched its chest in pain and fell to the ground next to South Africa as a heart attack wracked through its body.
“You throw your weight around our continent with an unconcealed sense of entitlement,” continued South Africa, barely glancing down at its neighbor’s condition, “You disrespect us, and treat us as disposable pawns.”
Zimbabwe’s eyes rolled to the back of its head as it gasped desperately for air.
“We Africans can and will take care of our own without your meddlesome intrusions!”
“Um… are you going to do something about this?” asked Botswana as Zimbabwe went comatose.
“We are your puppets no longer!” continued South Africa without answering Botswana, “We shall roll over no more!”
Zimbabwe stopped moving as Cote d’Ivoire lapsed into a coughing fit after choking on a chocolate candy bar.
“We are strong!” persisted South Africa, “We will refuse your Western dictates!”
Cote d’Ivoire’s coughing grew louder.
“Well, Zimbabwe and Cote d’Ivoire aren’t looking too hot,” said France, “Why don’t you back your grandstanding with something concrete and help your fellow African countries?”
“I will not take orders from you!” replied an irritated South Africa, “I will not serve as a tool to further your own ends!”
“How about you just use your strength to help your neighbors when they are in need?” asked Great Britain.
“Oh please!” replied South Africa, “Do not patronize me. Unlike you and the other former colonial powers, I do not force my own agenda down other countries’ throats.”
“Well, actually there was that time you invaded and occupied me for 75 years…” began Namibia.
“I said,” interrupted South Africa loudly, “I do not force my own agenda down other countries’ throats.”
“Fine,” replied France as it positioned itself behind Cote d’Ivoire, wrapped its arms around the choking country’s stomach, and gave it a sharp, quick jerk, expelling the piece of chocolate that had lodged itself in its windpipe. Cote d’Ivoire greedily began gulping down fresh air.
“Pontificate all you want,” said France while walking back to help the United States and Great Britain with Libya, “You style yourself an emerging, strong regional power. Feel free let us know when you start taking on the responsibilities of one.”
Switzerland raised its hand.
“Yes Switzerland?” asked the U.S. as it looked up from Libya.
“I would like to make a motion to forget our petty differences and join together, not as a myriad of different nations, but in unity to create one great Nation of the Earth.”
Everyone but Germany burst into laughter.
“Oh that was rich,” chuckled the United States while wiping away a tear, “I know I needed a good laugh.”
Italy stood up.
“I make a motion for a recess.”
“What for?” asked the United States.
“Lunch. I’m starving.”
Several nations grumbled in assent.
“Fine. Would anyone like to second the motion?” asked the U.S.
Somalia, Niger, and Haiti raised their hands.
“All in favor?”
An almost unanimous consent resounded throughout the meeting.
“All against say nay.”
Azerbaijan got as far as “N-” before it was silenced by Armenia.
“Motion has passed. We will now have a thirty-minute recess for lunch.”
Once outside, Thailand immediately snuck out the back gate. Curiosity as to what Thailand was up to got the best of Australia and the Asian countries, which quickly left as well. Torn between continental lines, and after some vacillation, Russia and Turkey followed suit so as to not be left out. With them went the rest of Europe as well as Canada. Noticing Spain gone, Morocco took advantage of the situation to attack Western Sahara, and quickly ran out with its spoils.
South and Central America formed a giant Spanish-speaking power-bloc and invaded Africa. After about five minutes of bloody in-fighting over who had the best soccer team, they separated, but decided to sneak out of the meeting with the intention of sticking it to the United States by drugging its coffee. Noticing that it had been abandoned by the rest of the world, the United States walked out of the meeting hall with the realization that it was probably high time for invading Mexico again.
Forgotten by everyone else, Vatican City remained until ten in the morning the next day. Armed with a new sense of resolution, it finally left with the intention of excommunicating every other country on Earth.
..
(Editorial)
Discourses Between Nations: Turn of the 21st Century
Posted by aotazo (#30) 326 days ago (Editorial)Tweet
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