http://thedailysatire.com Funny Spoof News, Social Satire, And Political Cartoons Wed, 22 Feb 2012 05:36:38 CST en http://thedailysatire.com/News/asus-warranty-does-not-protect-computers-during-alien-invasions-by-vr-zone-com/ Reported by Dean Wilson on Tuesday, February 21 2012 11:55 pm

Asus computers are not protected by its warranty in the event of an invasion by aliens from outer space, it has been revealed.

The unusual clause in the Asus warranty was recently spotted by a number of technology news outlets, suggesting that lawyers might have a sense of humour after all..."

An amusing article from vr-zone, follow link to check it out. I don't believe the bit about lawyers having a sense of humor though :)

]]> Wed, 22 Feb 2012 05:36:38 CST TheDailyShadow News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/asus-warranty-does-not-protect-computers-during-alien-invasions-by-vr-zone-com/ http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/rick-santorum-for-grand-inquisitor-yay--/ Yay Sanitorium!
I'm so glad Rick is now taking the lead in national polls. I think he should be the model for a whole nation. Lets turn this whole country into a Sanitorium!

randomactsofchaos:

Clay Bennett/Chattanooga Times Free Press (02/21-2012)
]]> Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:59:12 CST Apocalection Political Cartoons & Funny Pics 2 http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/rick-santorum-for-grand-inquisitor-yay--/ http://thedailysatire.com/politics/moodys-to-boobies-the-credit-ratings-agencybreast-relationship/
‘We’re downgrading you from AAA to AA,’ say Moody’s or Standard & Poor’s, the credit rating agencies (CRAs). ‘And that’s a bad thing,’ they add, in case you didn’t know it. Basically, what they’re saying is we look at your country’s economic health and come up with some letters to show how worthy you are of borrowing money. All seems a bit abstract until we realise that the system of categorisation they use draws parallels with bra sizing’s.

AAA is the largest of the smallest cup size, almost a B cup; and correspondingly the best credit rating. AA is a bit smaller – smaller breasts, a little less credit worthiness. Thing is, the CRAs don’t appear to have spotted the pattern. Otherwise, we would have expected to hear somewhere along the line a country downgraded from AA to A, then BBB to BB etc. Recognise that bra sizes extend to a truly mammalian F cup and the CRAs find themselves with a lot more letter power up their sleeve (or up their top, if you like a simile). The massively indebted Greece, they might say, is on a par with Dolly Parton’s credentials. And interestingly, a country with a ratings equivalent of an F cup, would be said to have ‘gone bust’.

The economy-hooters connection is not new, just hitherto overlooked. In the 1970’s the ladies underwear manufacturer, Playtex, invented the ‘Lift & Separate’ bra. Back then, people would have been less inclined to consider an economic link; they would have been more concerned about Playtex’s plan to disassociate breasts. ‘Lift’ they could understand, but ‘separate’? There is a very good reason, they would say, that we coin the term ‘bosom buddies’. Had economists read Playtex in financial terms, they would have seen that lift and separate was a sign that we should be lifting the economy by enacting demergers i.e. separating companies into smaller concerns. Probably.

And in recent times, the American banks lent money to those who could not pay it back. This so happened to coincide with the age of breast enhancements. False economy – false tits.
]]> Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:16:09 CST paulangliss Political Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/politics/moodys-to-boobies-the-credit-ratings-agencybreast-relationship/ http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/finally-an-election-poster-i-can-believe/ Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:44:45 CST Apocalection Political Cartoons & Funny Pics 2 http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/finally-an-election-poster-i-can-believe/ http://thedailysatire.com/comedy/canchucks-com-%7C-canchuck-kits/
And no, that’s not because I’m so annoying that everyone ignores me and I feel like I’m invisible. It’s because I have an emotional age of 10, and alcohol drowns out that annoying voice which is constantly telling me to pretend that I’m an adult when I’m sober. Ok?

So you can imagine my joy when I found out that I can now turn my old beer cans into that venerable Ninja weapon – the Nunchaku, otherwise known (by people who would rather not try to speak Japanese even when they are sober), as Nunchucks.

It’s actually quite easy. You get everything you need in kit form from Canchucks, it only takes about ten minutes, and you don’t have to use beer cans if you don’t want to – you can use any aluminium cans. And as they are filled with expansion foam they are solid enough to last well, but not so hard that they will give you concussion when you whack yourself on the back of the head after having a couple too many and deciding to show your friends what a true Ninja you really are. And you will do that. You will probably even do it when you are sober. You know you will. Even though the Canchucks website takes a lot of care to tell you that these things are purely decorative and not actually meant to be used as a real Ninja weapon. You will still try to swing them round like you are Bruce Lee in Enter The Dragon, and you will still end up taking one in the balls. And your friends will all laugh, and you’ll probably end up on YouTube.

And that is why I think you should buy yourself some Canchucks.
]]> Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:10:58 CST TheDailyShadow General Comedy 2 http://thedailysatire.com/comedy/canchucks-com-%7C-canchuck-kits/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/jeremy-lin-apologizes-for-his-success-during-black-history-month/ Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:54:20 CST beachbum81 World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/jeremy-lin-apologizes-for-his-success-during-black-history-month/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newshit-rock-the-caucuses/ Thu, 16 Feb 2012 15:46:05 CST Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newshit-rock-the-caucuses/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/apple-suing-samsung-for-using-the-letter-a-in-name-%7C-the-grindery/ Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:29:34 CST thegrinderydotcom News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/apple-suing-samsung-for-using-the-letter-a-in-name-%7C-the-grindery/ http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/mrbeo546-scumbag-santorum/ mrbeo546:

Scumbag Santorum
]]> Mon, 13 Feb 2012 13:45:46 CST Apocalection Political Cartoons & Funny Pics 2 http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/mrbeo546-scumbag-santorum/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore10-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ Inaugural texters convention hailed as ‘Grt sccss’………
Praise for flying skills of goose that collides with airliner and manages to land safely in Hudson river. Plane destroyed…………… Man who’s girlfriends gynaecologist had loose wedding ring, chokes to death …………….
Combat Unit Naval Team Six will not receive acronym, says Pentagon……….. Bomb disposal sniffer dog in Afghanistan locates huge cache of Taliban dog biscuits.

]]> Sun, 12 Feb 2012 15:13:02 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore10-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/social/the-vile-underbelly-for-99-99-a-month/ By Wendy Parker


In the recent forced conversion from trusty (and free) rabbit ears to pay cable and digital programming, an entire world of extremely specific and possibly litigious television channels have become available for my viewing pleasure. I have discovered television channels about television channels. There are entire networks dedicated to the extremely important issues of undiagnosed medical conditions caused by the ingestion of phlegm and the heartbreak of head lice among baby warthogs. There are endless streams of commercials about drugs and their disabling side effects, and not one part of the human anatomy is left private or sacred.

I became trapped in a never-ending vortex of food-you-wouldn't-even-try-to-cook-but-like-to-watch-other-people-cook and the benefits of colon cleansing being broadcast on the same channel, back to back, hour after hour. I have it on good authority that it's in violation of the Geneva Convention to carry out such torture, and of course, the matter is being looked into as we speak.

Among the swirling abyss of pointlessness, there are several venues dedicated to what some people call comedy. I became transfixed by one of these portals straight from hell the other night and was enlightened to the fact that drunk people will laugh at absolutely anything.

Obtain a camera and someone willing to get slammed in the private parts with a Volkswagen while being filmed and presto! You’ve got a prime time comedy special. If you care to frankly discuss vile personal habits involving toe nails and having sexual relations with a chicken while intoxicated and driving a school bus full of mentally challenged children to church, then by God you’ve got a series and two movie deals.

I was more than a little annoyed and a somewhat concerned that so many people seem to think it’s the height of hilarity to live in a trailer. Everyone knows that living in a trailer affords you the privilege of not having to wear your tin foil hat while reclining in your LayZ Boy.

It is also widely rumored that people who live in trailers will be the only ones to survive the alien invasion planned for 2013. When asked for comment, organizers of said invasion claim this to be slanderous rumor and innuendo, but it's common knowledge that you can’t trust anything a filthy alien says.

As I continued to flip through the seven-hundred channels (all for just 99.99 a month) I realized the incredibly dangerous implications of these specialized forums.

One show encouraged me to rent and use a nail gun that has the ability to shoot a nail approximately the size of a steak knife with the deadly force of a .22 caliber handgun. The only safety rule involved was to ‘be sure to use protective eye wear'.

I’m assuming this is to protect your eyes from the shattered glass of your neighbors’ front picture window. You might also want to include ear plugs so that you won’t have to listen to the anguished cries of the mailman after you nail him in the skull while attempting a simple shingle repair on the roof, which is at least twenty feet from the ground.

Never any mention of the deadly force gravity may have upon your spleen should you fall off the roof while inadvertently murdering a federal employee with the rented nail gun. I did check with the Home Depot though, and you definitely do not get your deposit back if someone dies while using a contracted weapon of destruction from their establishment.

This all being said, I still cannot seem to tear myself away from the old channels, the ones that we could get for free in the good old days (2008).

I always meander back to whether or not Nick and Sharon will ever be a couple again and all of the fantastic douche and diaper commercials that come with them. I still get a thrill when I hear the opening music for the Johnny Carson Show (yes I know the name has changed – leave me to my fantasy) and I still wonder why any bodily fluid represented in advertisements is blue. I’ve contacted the authorities on bodily fluids, but they were all absorbed at the time and will get back to me at a later date when I, of course, will explain it to you. I know, and you're welcome. ]]> Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:26:13 CST wbparker1 Social Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/social/the-vile-underbelly-for-99-99-a-month/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/tens-of-thousands-of-middle-aged-men-at-risk-of-being-%E2%80%98groomed%E2%80%99-online-/
Perhaps most worryingly it has been revealed that many young women are creating fake profiles on social networking sites and online dating websites to trick older men into entering an abusive relationship. An undercover reporter for Online Dating Magazine, posing as a lonely 47 year old business man from Birmingham, England, who was looking for a new partner after a divorce, was contacted by hundreds of young women within weeks of joining three of the biggest dating sites on the internet.

“Many of these young women were completely brazen in the way that approached me, sending provocative and even sexually explicit photographs to my inbox the first time that they contacted me. Others contacted me at first by pretending to be a woman just slightly younger than me who was also divorced and looking for a new partner. They would say that they understood what I was going through, and would be very kind and caring at first, but it would all be a lie aimed at lulling me into a false sense of security and I would soon start receiving sexually explicit photos and requests to meet up. Some women would even maintain the lie until I agreed to meet them, and found that the 43 year old librarian I was expecting to meet for coffee was actually a 19 year old escort with double D breasts.” The undercover reporter wrote this morning.

Once these men have been groomed into thinking that it is acceptable and even normal for them to enter into a sexual relationship with a 19 year old their newly awaken sexual desires are exploited for money by groups of predator young women who demand money on the promise of sexual encounters which usually never materialise, and who will even pass a ‘sugar daddy’ around between them to be abused by dozens of girls.

A brave 53 year old plumber from New York revealed the extent of the damage that this abuse has had on his life. “I was just an ordinary working man in his 50s” he told Online Dating Magazine, “Of course I had experienced sexual stirrings at the thought of 19 year old girls, but I had never really taken them seriously and certainly never planned to actually do anything. But now, after being abused by 13 different women, my life is a wreck. I’ve lost my job and now I’m addicted to teen porn. I’ve even been banned from my local internet café”.

Pressure groups on both sides of the Atlantic are now calling for social networks and dating websites to have some kind of alert button displayed prominently on their sites, for older men to press if they believe that someone is trying to groom them or to establish an inappropriate relationship. They have also called for a greater awareness amongst the general public of a problem that has been swept under the carpet for too long. To stay safe online, and protect the older men in your life, please read the Online Dating Magazine guidelines on How Dating Scams Work and Online Dating Safety
]]> Sun, 12 Feb 2012 08:39:41 CST TheDailyShadow World News 1 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/tens-of-thousands-of-middle-aged-men-at-risk-of-being-%E2%80%98groomed%E2%80%99-online-/ http://thedailysatire.com/literary/a-modest-proposal-for-preventing-the-polar-bears-in-the-arctic-from-being-a-burden-to-the-planet/
There is nothing truly more despondent than the general plight of the noble Polar Bear, whose home and very livelihood is now threatened with utter extinguishment due to the Northern Pole soon becoming entirely devoid of ice. Ice which, and in particular the marine variety, in being so instrumental in the residence and hunting of the Polar Bear that the it’s disappearance will deprive the bear of both sustenance and safe harbor.

But what is surely the most lamentable effect of these circumstances is that Ursus maritimus’ loss will mean a tremendous blow to his waiting commercial benefactors, right at the moment when we could most expeditiously exploit him for his furs and meats. For the relentless and catastrophic thaw of the Arctic ice (apart from the coincidental inundation of our great coastal cities), will open up hitherto unprecedented mercantile possibilities for the intrepid capitalists who would plunge vigorously into virgin Arctic territories. And it seems a crime against God Himself that humanity be thus denied a wondr’ous new opportunity for the development of a hitherto untapped resource that would surely better the human condition, most tragically on the very eve of its total exploitation.

But the plight of the bear, and the unhappy repercussions on disheartened mercantile interests, need not be for naught. For it is lately described in great detail by a certain Saskatchewanian rancher and hunter of no small renown (and whom I trust I need not insult the reader’s intelligence by naming) that the remaining 25,000 some odd Polar Bears need not face almost certain and calamitous extinction, but could – with only small discomfiture and expense – be reliably transported in total, tribe by tribe, into the mainland of the North American continent.

Therein, as he has delineated, this noble creature could be well kept for both sport (for the zealous hunter of large game) as well as for industry (towards the full realization of its destiny on the tables of discerning diners) quite happily and with the utmost convenience in equally divided populations across the upper belt of the United States (which, he feels, as a polity would be more certain in its allowance of the full commercialization of the breeding stock). Thus tamed, the Polar Bear could at last be put to its proper purpose in the service of mankind and the advancement of our economy – which as of late has seen great detraction from investors both domestic and foreign, and has thus a great need for such a novel, rare and unique export (which will be ever so more valued for our own nation’s utter lack of comparable competitive exports in the markets of the world).

Yet, it would seem to me that such a scheme has but one significant deterrent – that being the maintenance of the bears’ diets. Such noble creatures as they are, they still must be kept well fed, and being so uniquely disposed to the consumption of rich, fatty foods (being in their home environment nigh solely composed of seal and whale blubber) it has struck many that this Saskatchewanian scheme may ill-prevail in the hard realities of the free and entirely unsubsidized agricultural market existent in the United States. That a mature bear eats on average near five pounds of fat per diem is no mean sum, and when weighed against the total population (of whom no small number are now undernourished) it must be accepted that the full liability of provender may total upwards of 20,000 tons of good rich flesh per year. And I admit this one point to the gentle reader, as I seek to make a credible account herein, and gain your full trust that I have given total consideration to the measure which I here propose.

For as I see it, I humbly submit that I have struck upon the missing piece to this grand solution to the Polar Bear Question, which will assuredly secure the general acceptance of the scheme in question, and see a wonderful benefit of return on investment to those who would greatly gain from its pursuit. For such a rare (if perhaps unpalatable) delicacy would fetch top market price on the plates of the leisured classes, and make a handsome profit should a goodly, cheap and plentiful feedstock be found for the bears.

As perhaps the most plentiful rich flesh in our nation be not that of cattle, swine or fowl – or any other beast either wild or domestic, but that of the very human antagonists to action political, social or economic to prevent the loss of the Arctic Ice upon which the Bears will soon no longer reside. It would seem easy logical to recognize these men as the most fortuitous feed for the sustenance and development of the Polar Bear herds. Why, when one considers that a median specimen of that set trends strongly with age (being more likelier than his sympathetic counterpart to be of greater years) in the same manner as the blessing of obesity – it would seem a truly happy concordance that such as are in our population that are most obstinately opposed to even the most passing action against the loss of the Bear’s natural homes have the most to offer to the feeding and growth of our new Polar Bear economy.

I have it on good authority from a resident of the Nevada mountains that a neatly dressed carcass of even one antagonist could provide upwards of 50 pounds of good fat, plus another 75 pounds of well marbled flesh – enough to keep a Bear happ’ly fed for a month. One adult bear would likely need thirteen or fourteen some odd meals for its proper nourishment over the year, with perhaps an extra meal or two for pregnant mothers. For the whole population to be thus well supported, a mere 300,000 bodies a year might be needed to keep the adults, cubs and unborn in good supply of fatty meat. And as the middling age, lethargic constitution, and general heaviness of the most obstinate members of the antagonist stock make them slower prey – it would be easy enough to allow the Bears to graze upon them as befits their appetite: the cost of culling and butchering the Polar Bears’ meals would thus be greatly diminished, if not nearly become completely marginal.

Concerning the availability of such a feed stock, it is easy to deduce that with about four in ten adult souls in our great nation faithfully doubting the irretrievable loss of the Polar Bear’s habitat, and with perhaps seven in twenty most obstinately opposed to the will of the majority to undertake some actions (if perhaps even small and cautious) towards the conservation of this valuable commodity’s capacity to make its Godly way in the world – that we have no lack of available fodder for the surely starved Bears. Nay indeed, we are safe enough to keep this new cattle’s population constant for a century or more, if not even entertain ambitions about growing it to ensure the most fortuitous profitability from this noble venture.

And towards the future of this endeavor, it is easy to imagine many ancillary benefits to such a wonderful plan, for in addition to a new and profitable export, we could simultaneously reduce by increasing degrees the burden on the Publick posed by appropriations for expenditure on undue and indefensible welfare which has now become quite vexious. In matters of the cost of health, which is of most burning concern to the nation’s mind, I would humbly submit that our citizenry could expect nigh on four hundred fifty millions of dollars in savings per annum from the elimination of health expenditures now required of us by our most prodigious and obese neighbors.

Food stuffs would surely cheapen as well, as demand dropped both in aggregate and per capita – equaling some three hundreds of dollars per year for us as individual citizens in the first year, and perhaps as much as double that amount at the maturity of the enterprise. But even all of this pales in comparison to the assured drop in outlays directly from our common Treasury towards charity and welfare afforded to this conglomeration upon their retirement from productive life, which would total no less than ten billions of dollars per annum, and is more like to see a return to us of fifteen billions if we evenly consider their specifically higher demands for pecuniary sustainment. I would conservatively offer that our nation could proudly see returned to our own pockets an amount not less than a hundred of billions dollars cash in the first ten years alone.

Who among us would be so wanton as to discredit a scheme that would return nigh one hundred fifty billions of dollars in savings to the Publick at large? And shameful besides, when in such evil times as these that we live in, when every family sees their future mortgaged to the general sin of the public debt, and ensconced so close to fiscal despair that each penny betwixt their fingers be counted dear indeed.

Thus, let us clearly put an end to any arguments of the value of the bears to our imperiled nation, vis-à-vis the flesh of the antagonist that will soon sustain them. For who could speak of any so dear amongst that number that generate six hundred thousands of dollars of value per annum, before their actual marketable value be realized! For indeed, each mature bear would return such an amount on value before even gracing a table as an entrée, or a floor as a magnificent snowy white rug, or the Oriental bazaars for their viscera and organs (as the such places are well-known for their appetites for exotic creatures for medicines and aphrodisiacs). The innumerability of jobs thus created, and the overall increase in economic fortune, could surely not be placed in an equal exchange with any hominid antagonist against the preservation of the Arctic Ices and our precious Polar Bears – who when compared merely serve as liabilities upon our ailing economy, when even employed at all!

Now, while there as yet seem some for whom the notion that the devouring of hundreds of thousands of men and women for the sake of the economy might be unconscionable, despite how fair, humble and logical the offering – I would, with honest and simple speech, bring to bear that tens, if not hundreds of millions of our stoic citizenry are every year fed quite efficiently into the hungry engine of our mercantile and capitalist system for its sublime preservation. As to why a pittance of that number be so singled out as to be deserving of special protection, welfare or entitlement is beyond my most patriotic sensibilities. In makes neither plain sense, nor does it indeed serve the spirit of Justice Herself that we would dispense inequitably the burdens of responsibility for the maintenance of the nation’s insatiable appetite for productive bodies – or indeed defer our capacity to recover our foundering economic condition. To suggest a thing is to throw the whole of our great system of industry, production, wealth, privilege, status, corporate power and the individual’s right to amass as many riches as they so set their pecunious desire upon into the most tumultuous and dangerous disorder. It is naked anarchy and antisocial disdain, and no right-thinking proud patriotic citizen of this nation could possibly support such an irresponsible approach.

I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged that it create as great a fiscal boon to our nation through the reduction of welfare and the increase of employment. This I freely own, and ’twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual species of Bear, and make no claims as to the countless other species mammalian, avian, piscine and other that will surely come to their own individual cessation as result of the near off termination of all ice of the Arctic year-round.

Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: such as the increase in renewable energy sources: or the improvements of energy efficiency: or the localization of power production: or the utilization of ancient and responsible agricultural practices: or the promotion of local industry and crafts: or the taxation of finite and polluting fuels: or of the expectation the citizenry restrain their avarice: or that sloth not be fully indulged: or that limits be placed upon the generation of noxious and dangerous gases: or that mercantile interests great and small be asked to behave responsibly: or that there be levied on any individual or communal expectations of sacrifice, change, transformation or forbearance on any activity, vice or self-destructive behavior that now commonly be held by the people at large – no matter how great an incentive may be placed before them, or how great the inducement may be from the certainty of the calamitous nature of their consequences.

Therefore I repeat: let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, ’till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging these United States of America.

And, at the last, I would urge the reader to consider this all whilst knowing that your humble author has nothing he can possibly gain from this venture, being in utter lack of any indoor ice-making facilities within which Polar Bear herds might be raised, or even having a walk-in refrigerator to my name. So let no critic accuse me of personal gain in proposing this venture, or there be any doubt in the mind of you, dear reader and fellow citizen, that I could possibly hope to gain from this in any way. For surely such a venture would benefit first the wealthy, then the rich, then the privileged, then the well-placed, and then only lastly the rest of the common folk, upon whose backs will be placed the honorable burden of feeding and raising the bears. And being none of the former, I most assuredly reside decidedly amongst the latter and would must be patient indeed to see any direct return or reward for this most modest proposal.

]]> Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:08:29 CST AndrewJK Literary Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/literary/a-modest-proposal-for-preventing-the-polar-bears-in-the-arctic-from-being-a-burden-to-the-planet/ http://thedailysatire.com/movie-spoofs-parody/radcliffe-and-me-and-a-day-at-the-movies/
Yes! It’s true, my wondrous wee poppets! I've reviewed The Woman in Black starring the oddly adorable Daniel Radcliffe, he of innocent Harry Potter fame, a young duckling so precious in his sexual precocity you long to do nothing more than strap him to a bed and dust his various crevices in a lingering fashion. Then again, I'm an aging lonely woman, quite sadly warped, and given over to such salacious proclamations. So never you mind, my southwardly pointing friends! (you can take that comment in all sorts of ways, but it's surely best you didn't!) My review is here. Life is good. You have sipped your snifter of brandy and recited a tongue twister or three, you have put on your fuzzy warm slippers, you had leaned back against your large and cozy recliner, you have stirred the ashes of your proverbial and literal fire. You are alive to the possibilities of the moment, and you still have most of your hair. It's a good day, a grand day. It's a day for a review so entertaining entertainers all around the world collectively salivate, wondering what grand literary morsel will be wafted in their fleeting direction next! The love comes fast and furious 'round these parts, my happy and generous minded friends! Ah, but it does!

So this is my review. There is nothing better than offering up your words to the gods, and the gods be you. This is my review! And if Daniel Radcliffe was a horse, he'd be a stallion, and he already starred on Broadway in that strange tale about a naked boy and his horse I've never seen and ought to. Or so sayeth a former friend of mine! Why former, you say? Because life is like that, mysterious in her wise ministrations of both tenderness and terror. Surely you knew that by now, my good and cheery comrades! And bravo to nothing but you and the damned movies, for escape is surely a frazzled human’s best friend. The cinema provides a marvelous escape, and the buttered popcorn – ah. Now there’s something like. Even when the movie is bad, we still manage to feel we have transcended our mortal plight momentarily.

It’s so unlike me, but I do digress. So. My review. If. You. Please.

The Woman in Black was seen by this furtive yet oddly endearing reviewer on a lonely Sunday afternoon in a galaxy far, far away from here. Otherwise known as Plainville, Connecticut, a town so quiet that at night it is rumored the field mice play poker in the meadows, content in knowing the prowling cats are sound asleep at their hearths. Letting a wee little mouse simply be for awhile, fleecing the other mice out of things like hair ribbons and miniature bottles of scotch.

If that image didn't confound you, perhaps this one will:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LghXxTR215M

My God, it was extraordinary, was it not! The terror, the mounting terror! The blue eyes of Radcliffe, piercing the primal darkness, as bleak as anything Joseph Conrad ever wrote! For if that startling movie trailer didn't scare you, my dears, than nothing ever shall!
Now, our macabre story is rather simple: The adorable Radcliffe plays a young, widowed lawyer with an equally adorable moppet of a son. Alas, he must soon part ways with the little fellow.

Why, you ask, with chilled and bated breath? It’s elementary: the boy has a job. Radcliffe, looking serious and forlorn behind his spectacles, is told “off you go” by his stern-minded firm. His task is basic, for he must close out a dead woman's estate.

But, my friends, this is a horror movie, which means nothing is ever, ever simple! His journey means going off to a strange, mysterious, incomprehensible, inscrutable, impenetrable English village full of strange, mysterious, incomprehensible, inscrutable, impenetrable English people. I had a British grandfather and know about this shit! Those Yanks out there who understand being raised by fathers with more British blood than anything else know that deep underneath the reserved facade lies a bastard with a temper who likes to drink. Oops, sorry, that's just me! But of course I write this for all the world.

To make a long story succinct, this English village is full of suitably suspicious people who eye Radcliffe out of their cold and fishy eyeballs and ask him to go back to whence he came. Our intrepid lawyer, convinced that there is something amiss (italics needed), bravely refuses. He knows that as a species, we must never, ever give into despair, not even for a moment! This unspoken thought precipitates the gorgeous Ciaran Hinds showing up. Mr. Hinds plays the thankless role of Radcliffe’s lone ally in his bleak new world. Looking dapper and slightly confused, Mr. Hinds sends our adorable barrister off to the deceased woman's house. And what a house it is! This place is accessible only by car and is susceptible to the moods of the tides (a rather nice touch). It’s downright eerie, you see, downright damned spooky, and Radcliffe’s glasses never fog over, even when it gets foggy. Mine would in a heartbeat!

Radcliffe is soon spied walking towards a large, creaky mansion overrun by ivy known as "Eel Marsh". That name alone would convince me to hie my precious ass back home! But Radcliffe, being paid lots of handsome cash by the movie people, is more than game to trot on out.

I must pause for some buttered popcorn and point out that the film is handsomely photographed and full of all kinds of brooding, creepy atmospheric things (including lots of children kicking the bucket in spectacular fashion). And soon our story takes a profound plunge into the all-out unearthly and uncanny. For this house is not merely haunted, my sweet and discerning readers, it is haunted with a steely, righteous, disturbing vengeance! For hell, a wise man once said, hath no fury like a woman scorned, a quote one could attach to this film with a sturdy nail and a righteous hammer.

Immediately Radcliffe is surrounded by evil and terror and a dead woman who is, shall we say, not so very happy. But why is she not happy, my pets? Why are children in this mysterious, terror-filled, inconsolable yet angry village dying? What is her connection to all of this? What's it all about? Why is Radcliffe such a baby-faced little lad with big blue eyes that you could take a swim in and still emerged unscathed, your psychic residue intact? Why is he so good? Oh, why, why, why? And why am I so not?

I have the answers. I have all the answers, but you really need to see this film, my darling horror movie fans. Because it's really very good. It's damned good, even. It's not deep, there is no characterization that reeks of complexity, but it is good. It’s fun as fun can be.

For I bathed in merriment. I danced up and down in my seat. I pondered the other complexity of obtaining an actual life. I loved it all even when the embittered man several rows ahead of me said out loud after it was over, "That's it? That's the ending? That was stupid." Oh, not even his churlish soul could ruin this film for me!

Ciaran, I'm sorry I couldn't find a way to put that little French accent thing on your name. I'm sure you've grown tired of ordering stationary that doesn't carry that tiny mark even after you request it. And oh, what a Mr. Rochester you made! Daniel, I'm sorry I'll never meet you and get to corrupt you properly. Dad, I'm sorry you never joined AA.

But I have good news. I’m happy for Susan Hill, who wrote the original book upon which this film is based. I’m happy they made a terrific frightening creepy film based on a book I now must read. I love to read and I love to write and after seeing this, I felt as though I could write better, be a better woman, walk taller. I felt as if I could fly. Actually, I just really enjoyed it.

That's my review. You didn't expect any lucid miracles, did you? It's just a review. And maybe, like The Woman in Black seems to suggest, we're all better off not living at places with the word "Eel" in the title. Maybe. Just maybe.

One never really knows about anything until the blue-eyed boy shows up, after all.

Cheers!

]]> Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:48:35 CST yankeeblue Movies & Spoofs 2 http://thedailysatire.com/movie-spoofs-parody/radcliffe-and-me-and-a-day-at-the-movies/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore9-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey-1/ Killer whale sequence in BBC Frozen Planet series filmed
at Sea world California, admits insider. ‘Seal’ on polystyrene ice floe, actor in rubber suit………….. Madonna to adopt Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in order to circumvent stringent third world adoption laws…………. Afghan and Libyan athletes expected to take top honours in ‘plucky underdog’ events at 2012 Olympics …………15% of respondents said under no circumstances would they participate in any pointless surveys……………. QVC demographic identified as
turkey necked, menopausal women wielding husbands credit card………….. Bashar al-Assad jumps motorbike over barbed wire fence, escapes to Switzerland…………
Taliban expected to begin talks with Hello magazine………
Vet has no other choice than to put down owner of injured Labrador who can’t pay bill………. Expansion of canal network causing apprehension amongst unwanted kitten community………………. Hopes fading for Iditarod competitor who elected to use team of wolves to pull sled…………. Escalating land prices in Maldives due to rising sea levels unsustainable…………… Use of water cannons by Ethiopian police to break up rioting drought victims proves counter productive . ……….
]]> Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:50:22 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore9-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/politics/what-if-the-gop-campaign-was-a-sit-com-and-how-would-we-tell-the-difference/



To my agent: "Shifty" Snarky

Re: Pilot for a situation-comedy television program, "The Elephant in the Room."

Description: One part "The Odd Couple," one part "Frasier," and two parts "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

Summary: The "Elephant in the Room" centers around the Elephant brothers, the loutish and messy Newt and his younger brother, the duplicitous and smarmy Mitt, who together run the family's prosperous asbestos factory. Newt and Mitt share a house with their grumpy father, Ron Paul, who is such a stickler for old-fashioned ways he only uses Confederate money. Ron Paul often talks about living in a smaller house and wants to start by getting rid of his sons. Another character, the sanctimonious Rick, a mute with a penchant for sleeveless sweater vests, lives next door. The other regular character, the brothers' batty Aunt Sarah, lives in the house's attic. The program's plot lines focus on the brothers' sibling rivalry, their shameless business practices, and their craven attempts for the affections of batty Aunt Sarah.

Script excerpt: Mitt arrives home by chauffeur-driven limousine to find Newt dumping trash on the front lawn. Ron Paul in sitting on a rocking chair on the front porch and whittling.


Mitt (exiting the limousine, obviously irritated): "Newt, why are you dumping garbage on the lawn?"

Newt: "Because that's what I do with garbage."

Mitt: "Who's going to clean it up?"

Newt: "That's what taxes are for!"

Mitt (smiling): "What are taxes?"

(Laughter.)

Ron Paul: "You paid taxes on 15 percent of your income. Maybe they'll pick up 15 percent of the trash."

(Laughter.)

(Mitt, Newt, and Ron Paul see Rick who is observing from his property. Rick is shaking his head disapprovingly).

Newt: "Apparently Rick believes in Ronald Reagan's 11th Commandment."

(Laughter.)

Ron Paul: "What's that?"

Newt: "Never speak ill of another Republican."

Mitt: (with sarcasm): "Reagan obviously never met you, Newt!"

(Laughter.)

Newt: "That's a lie! He liked me!"

Mitt: "He liked me more!"

Newt: "He liked me more!"

(Mitt and Newt both turn to their father.)

Ron Paul: "He didn't like either one of you!"

(Laughter.)

Mitt and Newt: "You like us, don't you, Rick?"

(Rick shakes his head.)

Newt: "What about you, dad?"

Mitt: "You like me, right?"

Ron Paul (shaking his head slowly): "No, I don't like either one of you . . . But I'm stuck with you."

(Laughter.)

]]> Wed, 08 Feb 2012 13:03:27 CST chrislamb Political Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/politics/what-if-the-gop-campaign-was-a-sit-com-and-how-would-we-tell-the-difference/ http://thedailysatire.com/literary/book-review-nitt-witt-hill-by-sebastian-gibson/
Let me begin by saying what Nitt Witt Hill is and what it isn’t. It is not a heavyweight intellectual satire with cutting insights into the nature of society or political reality. It is a light-hearted, fun and easy to read novel with a funny line in pretty much every paragraph.

When I say that it’s not intellectual, I don’t mean that it isn’t intelligent. Although the whole story is given to you with a healthy dose of the absurd, you will find many of the big political players and movements of the day satirised in this book, and many readers will find the caricatures uncannily accurate. Also it does an excellent job of showing how ridiculous politics can be – by taking everything to the most extreme degree of ridiculousness – and of trying to inject just a little bit of common sense through its main character, who is often a lone voice of reason in an utterly insane world.

If you follow American politics then Nitt Witt Hill provides some timely light-relief from the serious issues of the day, bursting the bubbles of pomposity, self-importance and self-righteous outrage which so often surround these things. If you aren’t really that bothered about politics, you will keep reading to see whether bras really are to blame for all of America’s ills, and whether the women of America throw off their lacy shackles and free their breasts before the end of the book.

The story itself follows the adventures of an extraordinarily well connected political consultant and his groin sniffing companion (don’t worry – it’s a dog) as he tries to figure out what is wrong with America and what has been driving the country so crazy recently, and begins to discover that if it wasn’t bras, it may very well have been his fault.

Along the way he meets a whole host of characters, from political advisors to senators to bankers, who are disarmingly honest about the role they had to play in landing the country in its current mess. He uncovers conspiracies, accidentally becomes part of them, meets lots of drunken politicians, and generally tries to bring common sense where everything seems to be getting crazier and crazier by the minute.

Despite the constant threat of impending disaster and the collapse of civilisation which runs through the whole story, Nitt Will Hill is really a very positive book. The caricatures it paints, whilst making everyone look equally ridiculous, are never cruel, and its critique of American politics and culture is always given with whimsy and never with vitriol.

Ultimately that is probably the main message which Nitt Witt Hill conveys – that there is too much vitriol in the world already and that we all need to just step back and relax a bit. And with that message Nitt Witt Hill is the perfect antidote to 2012 election fever, and is bound to be the satirical novel of the year.

About The Author: Just go to his twitter profile and find out for yourself: @sebastianstuff

Look out for an upcoming giveaway on The Daily Satire to get a free copy of Nitt Witt Hill!
]]> Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:58:04 CST TheDailyShadow Literary Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/literary/book-review-nitt-witt-hill-by-sebastian-gibson/ http://thedailysatire.com/social/big-bang-theory-redefines-comedy-comedy-no-longer-means-funny/
In a move that's sure to rock Hollywood’s creative community, the producers of the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory have successfully petitioned Webster's Dictionary to change the definition of the word "comedy." The move comes as networks are encouraging studios to be more accurate in the descriptions of their programming.

"For the longest time we've billed our show as a comedy," said Big Bang Executive Producer Chuck Lorre. "The problem is, under the old definition, comedies are supposed to be humorous, and that just wasn't the case. So we had two choices; either start writing scripts are neither unamusing nor predictable, or reinvent the meaning of the word. It was really a simple decision."

Previously, "comedy" was defined as "entertainment which invokes laughter." But under the new classification -- which is effective immediately -- "comedy" is listed as "bland and stereotypical entertainment which lacks creativity and is devoid of humor." The change allows Big Bang producers to retain the show's current comedic status without having to undergo a massive overhaul.

"For the longest time, I thought people who criticized the show didn't understand its humor," said Big Bang fan Fletcher Randolph. "But then one day I looked up the word 'humor' in the dictionary and I was like 'whoa! Humor means funny?' Then I felt kind of cheated because I don't remember ever actually laughing."

The program -- which revolves around a group of socially awkward scientists and their attractive female friend – has generated laughter in the past, despite its overall lack of funniness. Despite claims from producers that they don’t use a laugh track to “sweeten” the responses from the studio audience, the crowd seems to laugh at every line – even those that aren’t designed as jokes.

“I remember this one time,” recalled Big Bang fan Eugene Feldspar, “where Sheldon walked into the room and said his mom sent him his old Nintendo system and the crowd just went crazy, like it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. Then he said something about drinking Red Bull and ‘rocking Mario old school’ and the audience was just beside itself. Personally, I didn’t see what was so funny about that, but the crowd was in hysterics so I went ahead and laughed too. Oh man, talk about bustin’ a gut!”

The change in comedy’s definition is being hailed by others in the entertainment industry as well. Producers of such shows as Two and a Half Men, How I met Your Mother and Whitney, praised the decision, which allows their shows to still be considered comedic without having to make any major script or character changes. However, those in charge of shows that are truly funny, such as Community, 30 Rock and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia are now scrambling to figure out just what genre they now fit into.

“We can’t call ourselves a comedy anymore because we actually make people laugh” said Tina Fey, the creator and star of NBC’s 30 Rock. “I suppose we could dumb down our scripts, make them appeal to mass audiences and maybe even pick up a dozen or so ratings points in the process. Or maybe we could just shout at each other all at once, flip over a table or two and call ourselves a reality show. We could also make people feel that their life has meaning by allowing them text in and vote.”

“What’s Paula Abdul doing these days?” Fey added. “Maybe we could have her get drunk and judge us or something.”

Regardless, Big Bang fans are happy that they no longer have to fake their mirth.

“I told all my friends they had to watch that show because it’s hilarious.” Said Big Bang fan Johnny Fortz. “But did you know that ‘hilarious’ means ‘outrageously funny?’ Wow! Talk about egg on my face. I mean, that’s the opposite of what I thought it meant. This new ruling makes it easier to watch the show without having to worry about why it’s not making me laugh.”
]]> Tue, 07 Feb 2012 05:14:12 CST RabidDawgClassic Social Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/social/big-bang-theory-redefines-comedy-comedy-no-longer-means-funny/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore8/ Prius’s electric only mode proving popular for drive by shootings………..... Rolex, Louis Vuitton, Apple and Versace to start making low quality imitations of Chinese pandas………….. Michael Bay to start shooting on remake of the Artist, Jack, the cheeky Terrier expected to turn into 50ft tall robotic Model T Ford ………….. Garden rat feeder proving slow seller on QVC, ‘who the fuck wants to attract rats into their garden?’ asks perplexed viewer………………. Hospital X-ray technician suspended for using equipment on Lotto scratch cards……………. New French main battle tank to be equipped with ‘Auto surrender’ button………..... Air accident investigators baffled by airliners
preponderance to always crash into large blackened, flaming craters, FAA to consider routing flight paths away from such areas ……… Online contributor ponders fate of missing News Whore 1 and 5 articles, ‘No submission gets left behind’ (also appreciates positive comments)
]]> Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:54:09 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore8/ http://thedailysatire.com/literary/dickens-biographers-%E2%80%98lack-ability-to-understand-modern-children%E2%80%99/
With their ability to use tablets, smartphones and interactive TVs, children today are used to consuming several different types of media at once.

But while some children have managed to sit through most of ‘The Muppets Christmas Carol’ or have seen the Victorian writer appear in Doctor Who, fewer than 10% of Dickens biographers can describe what happened in the last series of Tracy Beaker.

Parents who have seen costume dramas about Dickens’ novels have some sympathy for their children. “We got guilt-tripped into buying Oscar the complete works of Shakespeare last term”, admitted mum Julie Francis.

“When we saw how big they were, we got our son to stick them straight back on eBay. No one should be forced to read anything thicker than Heat magazine.”

Francis tried forcing her son to read old books that English professors insist are more important than new ones. “Oscar tried thumbing through a couple of pages, but it was all ‘thousts’, ‘prithees’ and ‘lorksalordies’. It was almost as if the entire English language had moved on and left these relics behind, preserved for the sole purpose of elitist bullying.”

Children have offered to help Dickens biographers read something less than 200 years old, and have set up a charity to support people who have wasted their lives insisting the books they like are really important.

“Just £89 can buy a Kindle for a Dickens biographer, which could introduce them to books written since the 1800s”, explained 11 year-old Isaac Marshall.

“If we can persuade just one patronising book nazi to enjoy a bit of Harry Potter, then our work will have been a success. The next stage will be to get them to sit through a film, without claiming the book it’s based on is much- ooh, look! A squirrel!”



]]> Mon, 06 Feb 2012 09:28:32 CST Imp Literary Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/literary/dickens-biographers-%E2%80%98lack-ability-to-understand-modern-children%E2%80%99/