http://thedailysatire.com Funny Spoof News, Social Satire, And Political Cartoons Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:58:04 CST en http://thedailysatire.com/literary/book-review-nitt-witt-hill-by-sebastian-gibson/
Let me begin by saying what Nitt Witt Hill is and what it isn’t. It is not a heavyweight intellectual satire with cutting insights into the nature of society or political reality. It is a light-hearted, fun and easy to read novel with a funny line in pretty much every paragraph.

When I say that it’s not intellectual, I don’t mean that it isn’t intelligent. Although the whole story is given to you with a healthy dose of the absurd, you will find many of the big political players and movements of the day satirised in this book, and many readers will find the caricatures uncannily accurate. Also it does an excellent job of showing how ridiculous politics can be – by taking everything to the most extreme degree of ridiculousness – and of trying to inject just a little bit of common sense through its main character, who is often a lone voice of reason in an utterly insane world.

If you follow American politics then Nitt Witt Hill provides some timely light-relief from the serious issues of the day, bursting the bubbles of pomposity, self-importance and self-righteous outrage which so often surround these things. If you aren’t really that bothered about politics, you will keep reading to see whether bras really are to blame for all of America’s ills, and whether the women of America throw off their lacy shackles and free their breasts before the end of the book.

The story itself follows the adventures of an extraordinarily well connected political consultant and his groin sniffing companion (don’t worry – it’s a dog) as he tries to figure out what is wrong with America and what has been driving the country so crazy recently, and begins to discover that if it wasn’t bras, it may very well have been his fault.

Along the way he meets a whole host of characters, from political advisors to senators to bankers, who are disarmingly honest about the role they had to play in landing the country in its current mess. He uncovers conspiracies, accidentally becomes part of them, meets lots of drunken politicians, and generally tries to bring common sense where everything seems to be getting crazier and crazier by the minute.

Despite the constant threat of impending disaster and the collapse of civilisation which runs through the whole story, Nitt Will Hill is really a very positive book. The caricatures it paints, whilst making everyone look equally ridiculous, are never cruel, and its critique of American politics and culture is always given with whimsy and never with vitriol.

Ultimately that is probably the main message which Nitt Witt Hill conveys – that there is too much vitriol in the world already and that we all need to just step back and relax a bit. And with that message Nitt Witt Hill is the perfect antidote to 2012 election fever, and is bound to be the satirical novel of the year.

About The Author: Just go to his twitter profile and find out for yourself: @sebastianstuff

Look out for an upcoming giveaway on The Daily Satire to get a free copy of Nitt Witt Hill!
]]> Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:58:04 CST TheDailyShadow Literary Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/literary/book-review-nitt-witt-hill-by-sebastian-gibson/ http://thedailysatire.com/social/big-bang-theory-redefines-comedy-comedy-no-longer-means-funny/
In a move that's sure to rock Hollywood’s creative community, the producers of the CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory have successfully petitioned Webster's Dictionary to change the definition of the word "comedy." The move comes as networks are encouraging studios to be more accurate in the descriptions of their programming.

"For the longest time we've billed our show as a comedy," said Big Bang Executive Producer Chuck Lorre. "The problem is, under the old definition, comedies are supposed to be humorous, and that just wasn't the case. So we had two choices; either start writing scripts are neither unamusing nor predictable, or reinvent the meaning of the word. It was really a simple decision."

Previously, "comedy" was defined as "entertainment which invokes laughter." But under the new classification -- which is effective immediately -- "comedy" is listed as "bland and stereotypical entertainment which lacks creativity and is devoid of humor." The change allows Big Bang producers to retain the show's current comedic status without having to undergo a massive overhaul.

"For the longest time, I thought people who criticized the show didn't understand its humor," said Big Bang fan Fletcher Randolph. "But then one day I looked up the word 'humor' in the dictionary and I was like 'whoa! Humor means funny?' Then I felt kind of cheated because I don't remember ever actually laughing."

The program -- which revolves around a group of socially awkward scientists and their attractive female friend – has generated laughter in the past, despite its overall lack of funniness. Despite claims from producers that they don’t use a laugh track to “sweeten” the responses from the studio audience, the crowd seems to laugh at every line – even those that aren’t designed as jokes.

“I remember this one time,” recalled Big Bang fan Eugene Feldspar, “where Sheldon walked into the room and said his mom sent him his old Nintendo system and the crowd just went crazy, like it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. Then he said something about drinking Red Bull and ‘rocking Mario old school’ and the audience was just beside itself. Personally, I didn’t see what was so funny about that, but the crowd was in hysterics so I went ahead and laughed too. Oh man, talk about bustin’ a gut!”

The change in comedy’s definition is being hailed by others in the entertainment industry as well. Producers of such shows as Two and a Half Men, How I met Your Mother and Whitney, praised the decision, which allows their shows to still be considered comedic without having to make any major script or character changes. However, those in charge of shows that are truly funny, such as Community, 30 Rock and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia are now scrambling to figure out just what genre they now fit into.

“We can’t call ourselves a comedy anymore because we actually make people laugh” said Tina Fey, the creator and star of NBC’s 30 Rock. “I suppose we could dumb down our scripts, make them appeal to mass audiences and maybe even pick up a dozen or so ratings points in the process. Or maybe we could just shout at each other all at once, flip over a table or two and call ourselves a reality show. We could also make people feel that their life has meaning by allowing them text in and vote.”

“What’s Paula Abdul doing these days?” Fey added. “Maybe we could have her get drunk and judge us or something.”

Regardless, Big Bang fans are happy that they no longer have to fake their mirth.

“I told all my friends they had to watch that show because it’s hilarious.” Said Big Bang fan Johnny Fortz. “But did you know that ‘hilarious’ means ‘outrageously funny?’ Wow! Talk about egg on my face. I mean, that’s the opposite of what I thought it meant. This new ruling makes it easier to watch the show without having to worry about why it’s not making me laugh.”
]]> Tue, 07 Feb 2012 05:14:12 CST RabidDawgClassic Social Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/social/big-bang-theory-redefines-comedy-comedy-no-longer-means-funny/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore8/ Prius’s electric only mode proving popular for drive by shootings………..... Rolex, Louis Vuitton, Apple and Versace to start making low quality imitations of Chinese pandas………….. Michael Bay to start shooting on remake of the Artist, Jack, the cheeky Terrier expected to turn into 50ft tall robotic Model T Ford ………….. Garden rat feeder proving slow seller on QVC, ‘who the fuck wants to attract rats into their garden?’ asks perplexed viewer………………. Hospital X-ray technician suspended for using equipment on Lotto scratch cards……………. New French main battle tank to be equipped with ‘Auto surrender’ button………..... Air accident investigators baffled by airliners
preponderance to always crash into large blackened, flaming craters, FAA to consider routing flight paths away from such areas ……… Online contributor ponders fate of missing News Whore 1 and 5 articles, ‘No submission gets left behind’ (also appreciates positive comments)
]]> Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:54:09 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore8/ http://thedailysatire.com/literary/dickens-biographers-%E2%80%98lack-ability-to-understand-modern-children%E2%80%99/
With their ability to use tablets, smartphones and interactive TVs, children today are used to consuming several different types of media at once.

But while some children have managed to sit through most of ‘The Muppets Christmas Carol’ or have seen the Victorian writer appear in Doctor Who, fewer than 10% of Dickens biographers can describe what happened in the last series of Tracy Beaker.

Parents who have seen costume dramas about Dickens’ novels have some sympathy for their children. “We got guilt-tripped into buying Oscar the complete works of Shakespeare last term”, admitted mum Julie Francis.

“When we saw how big they were, we got our son to stick them straight back on eBay. No one should be forced to read anything thicker than Heat magazine.”

Francis tried forcing her son to read old books that English professors insist are more important than new ones. “Oscar tried thumbing through a couple of pages, but it was all ‘thousts’, ‘prithees’ and ‘lorksalordies’. It was almost as if the entire English language had moved on and left these relics behind, preserved for the sole purpose of elitist bullying.”

Children have offered to help Dickens biographers read something less than 200 years old, and have set up a charity to support people who have wasted their lives insisting the books they like are really important.

“Just £89 can buy a Kindle for a Dickens biographer, which could introduce them to books written since the 1800s”, explained 11 year-old Isaac Marshall.

“If we can persuade just one patronising book nazi to enjoy a bit of Harry Potter, then our work will have been a success. The next stage will be to get them to sit through a film, without claiming the book it’s based on is much- ooh, look! A squirrel!”



]]> Mon, 06 Feb 2012 09:28:32 CST Imp Literary Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/literary/dickens-biographers-%E2%80%98lack-ability-to-understand-modern-children%E2%80%99/ http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/1-reason-to-vote-for-mitt-romney-for-president/ Mon, 06 Feb 2012 05:22:10 CST midnightgeorge Political Cartoons & Funny Pics 2 http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/1-reason-to-vote-for-mitt-romney-for-president/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/the-daily-satire-rewards-beta--1/
Right now it is in a Beta stage - meaning we have launched a very basic rewards program but we are still working on making it better, ironing out any bugs and problems, increasing the number of actions that you can earn points for, and on finding more and better freebies for you. Read on to learn more about the program as it is and what we have planned for the future.

What You Can Earn Points For Now:

You get points for every day that you visit our site and click the rewards tab to log in to the program. You log in through Facebook.

You can also earn points for: Liking our facebook page. Tweeting about The Daily Satire or clicking the tweet or facebook like buttons from any story page to show you like it. Following us on Twitter.

What You Can Spend Your Points On Currently:

$15 Groupon gift card. $10 Zynga game card. $5 amazon gift card.

What You Will Be Able To Earn Points For In The Future:

As soon as we have worked out how to make it all work, or paid someone cleverer to do it for us, you will be able to earn points for:

Getting a story published. Visiting one of our blogs. Following us on Stumbleupon and Digg. Commenting on a story. Voting for a story.

What You Will Be Able To Spend Your Points On In The Future

Good things. I have no idea what, but I promise they will be pretty damn cool.

Don't forget to click the rewards tab on the top left of your page to log in and to check how many points you have earned! ]]> Sat, 04 Feb 2012 09:13:09 CST admin News Satire 1 http://thedailysatire.com/News/the-daily-satire-rewards-beta--1/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore7-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ unsatisfactory bathroom compromise, ‘toilet monsters can still climb out’ claims woman………. Pressing really hard on remote control buttons doesn’t make any difference if batteries are low, conclude scientists after 5 year study………… Gaming addict who has hand amputated after accident elects to have Wii remote grafted on rather than traditional prosthesis…………American astronauts aboard International Space Station ‘want to come home’ after seeing fellow Muslim astronaut looking at Al Qaeda videos on You Tube……… Typing error in request for assistance, from Ethiopian government, leaves famine victims at mercy of ad agencies, BBH & Saatchis fighting for ‘distended belly’ account……………. Fatalities on domestic Russian airlines now exceeds number of Russians killed in WW11………….. Herb Morrison to posthumously receive 1937’s ‘Best radio commentary of a German airship bursting in to flames’ award………… Prius’s battery packs in boot take up too much space claims eco serial killer………….. Farmer grateful to ‘Heroic’ pilot after he struggles at controls to fly stricken plane away from potato field and into orphanage……….. Crane operator admits defeat
after spending 3 days trying to load two giant magnets of the same polarity on to back of lorry………….
]]> Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:32:56 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore7-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/social/the-futon-phenomenon/
The first time a student felt dissatisfaction with his bedroom furniture was when he discovered, on getting lucky, that he was sleeping with another person on a single bed narrower than one single person and that a wet patch needed to be avoided. That situation remained the norm right up to the 1980s when one undergraduate suddenly decided that they wanted a lot more out of their bed. One of the conditions was that it should be a cheap bed by night, a sofa you can keep slipping off while you’re sitting on it during the day. The idea took off and the UK found itself the biggest importer of futons outside the Orient. And so it continues.

So perhaps now is a good time for the UK to export to Japan, in exchange, some of our culture that centres around our old futon-substitutes, our beds.

The ‘Futon and Breakfast’ could be adopted as a Japanese version of the cheaper end of the hotel market. And it would be a lot more flexible in its function than the English Bed and Breakfast. Guests wouldn’t necessarily have to stay overnight. They could just come for breakfast when the futon has been made up into a slippy off sofa (after the sleeping tenants have woken up, of course). In Japan, you would also be able to offer a special English custom treat: knock on the bedroom door and chime, ‘Happy Birthday, darling. No, don’t get up, I’ve brought you breakfast in futon…. before we make it up into a sofa, that is.’ And that’s the same partner we were attracted to in the first place because we fell for their ‘come-to-futon’ eyes. On the other hand, though, we could be first up in the morning, returning to our partner in the bedroom for a fierce rebuke: ‘You were last to come in last night. You left the door wide open. We could have been murdered in our futons!’

On the downside there is the problem of the odd cultural misunderstanding cropping up. Take that old chestnut where an elderly Japanese grandparent decides to go study in the UK. Alarm becomes terror when the family rings up his digs to discover from a fellow-student that he’s on his death futon. He was getting on, they fret. We should never have let him go. The family automatically buys tickets en bloc on the next outward flight to discover when they arrive that grandad’s mate was only stating the obvious after another student night out on the sake.

]]> Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:18:11 CST paulangliss Social Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/social/the-futon-phenomenon/ http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/a-true-fact-about-ron-paul-funny-cartoon-/ Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:57:00 CST Apocalection Political Cartoons & Funny Pics 2 http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/a-true-fact-about-ron-paul-funny-cartoon-/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore6-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ Belgrano incident was ‘failed Argentinian attempt to steal British torpedo’ say newly declassified documents………. Forcing locals to ‘run around wildly at gun point’ most cost effective method of clearing landmines says spokesman for Princess Diana charity ……….. Aung Sang Suu Kyi loses keys, locks self out of house after spending 30 years under house arrest………
Failure of female referee to grasp offside rule leaves many dead at Egyptian football match…….
]]> Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:07:09 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore6-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/movie-spoofs-parody/the-long-and-thick-of-it/
Reports started to appear on Twitter from anonymous users and spread quickly though the networks and to websites across the globe that Scarlett Johansson’s hair is in fact her own.

One tweet stated, “check out the nape of the neck – no extensions” (@hairspy) while others simply went straight to the heart of the matter “I have been deceived” (@littlescar5). The rumours began to pick up pace when stylist to the stars Harry M gave a TV interview in which, when asked about Johansson’s hair, he said “I have worked with her, yes… I enjoyed our collaboration and thought that the outcome looked beautiful. I didn’t even have to apply much, it was just so, well you know, natural”. When pressed further on what he meant by ‘natural’ he avoided the question and later said he meant it “looks natural”.

It was Harry M’s interview that forced Johansson’s PR team to make a statement on the matter;

“Ms Johansson would like to ensure all her fans not to listen to the rumours and that if she had any such hair condition they would be the first to know because she knows that she owes all her little ‘Scars’ trust and honesty after all the support they have shown through out her career. Scarlett would like privacy at this time and will contact fans via her website within the next week.”

However some fans are feeling betrayed. Alice from Florida, who enjoys trying to emulate the actresses style, told us that she has spent hundreds of dollars on hair care and hair pieces; “…don’t think I wont sue, because I will. I am determined to make her pay for this…” Whereas Tracey from the UK just felt disappointed “…I just can’t believe that she would lie to everyone like this. It’s probably her natural hair colour too.”

Scarlet can rely on her hardcore fans that are forming a Twitter army and are intent on “…taking down the haters…” (@scarsolider6) while insisting that Scarlett does in fact use fake hair everyday and providing link to pictures where Johansson’s hair looks disturbingly frayed and over-worked.

Ms Johansson has not been seen since the rumours began
]]> Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:26:52 CST ladybekkicarrot Movies & Spoofs 2 http://thedailysatire.com/movie-spoofs-parody/the-long-and-thick-of-it/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/bebo-collapse-to-force-sexual-predators-back-into-playgrounds/
With rumours still abound that the Bebo collapse may be temporary, perverts have insisted that any resurrection needs to be quick because those swings are starting to look very promising indeed.

Registered sex offender Travis Millwood told us, “This is a very sad day for those of us with a niche interest in pretending to be a young girl whilst trying to talk another young girl into meeting us in a secluded area.”

“Some of my happiest memories in the last few years are based around that website. Sure, it’s also where I got caught by the police and incarcerated for a couple of years, but I tend to remember the good times.”

Bebo closed

Not all perverts are so forgiving of the one-time popular social network favoured by young children.

One angry paedophile told us, “Bebo say they’re coming back, then they say they’re gone for good – now, I’m a patient man generally, but I’ve got some thirteen year-olds to groom and I’m on a clock here.”

“So they either pull their fingers out or I’ll be straight onto Google maps looking for my nearest playground.”

Another said, “Look, this is no tragedy because Bebo has been far too mainstream since 2008 anyway.”

“Do you know how many times I’ve wasted a couple of weeks grooming someone who turned out to be another nonce?”

“On the brightside, I did get to meet Gary Glitter.”



]]> Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:38:57 CST Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/bebo-collapse-to-force-sexual-predators-back-into-playgrounds/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/police-swoop-on-major-e-marketing-sites/
Inspector bean, the UK officer responsible for instigating the operation in the first place, told reporters that “It all began when I was having a conversation with my young nephew over pizza one evening. Many of his friends have had difficulty finding work since they left college, and he told me that a large number of them are now turning to e-marketing to make a living, using websites like How To Make Money Online. He was quite open about this, and I was shocked to hear that the sale of ecstasy has become so widespread over the neterwebs. Many of these youngsters are apparently earning large sums of money through these operations, so I knew it must be big, and they even seem to be openly recruiting new members into these gangs through something called affiliate marketing. ”

Over the sound of loud groans from both reporters and the reddening faces of higher ranking officers, who had undoubtedly all come to grab the glory for something they knew nothing about, one sniggering reporter asked Inspector bean whether he had ever heard of something called e-mail. At this point the Inspector seemed to become very animated and excitable, but told the press conference that he could not say much because he did not want to jeopardise an upcoming investigation into a global drug smuggling investigation thought to involve sending packets of ecstasy through the post.
]]> Sat, 28 Jan 2012 05:30:13 CST TheDailyShadow World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/police-swoop-on-major-e-marketing-sites/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/bernie-madoff-writing-%E2%80%9Cponzi-schemes-for-dummies%E2%80%9D-while-in-prison-%7C-in-other-newz/ Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:55:50 CST beachbum81 World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/bernie-madoff-writing-%E2%80%9Cponzi-schemes-for-dummies%E2%80%9D-while-in-prison-%7C-in-other-newz/ http://thedailysatire.com/social/celebrity-cultured/ by Lee Bullen

A scruffy young mum, opens the gate to a modest council house on a Hounslow estate. She wheels a pram past a mock baroque fountain to the front of the house where a gold plaque boasts: 'CELEBRITY MANOR'. Alongside, a commemorative blue plate reads:
2009-
ORLANDO SANTA CRUZ
& LANCE OGDEN
Celebrities
Underneath, ‘twats’ has been scrawled in chalk. The ‘a’ and the ‘t’ tastefully weathered by Father Time. Chanelle rings the bell. Irene Cara - Fame booms out. Mounted above her head, a security camera fixes on her.

Failing to add a hint of intended showbiz sophistication, the eclectic living room houses an odd array of old and new materialistic statements. A large, wall-mounted TV resides beneath showy chandeliers. An ornate interior fountain sits opposite a cross-eyed polar bear rug.
Preened Orlando Santa Cruz, toned beneath a silk dressing gown, races down the stairs to see who’s outside, a leather belt tied around his blistered neck.
Mousey Lance Ogden jostles alongside, wearing headache-inducing pyjamas. Orlando edges in front and Lance yanks him back by the belt. Orlando skims down the last steps on his rear.
At the foot of the stairs they see the glum girl on the TV and both groan in disappointment. Lance turns to Orlando, massaging his throat.
'What’s with the belt?'
Orlando scans the room. 'Was just ‘avin a near-death wank' he replies. Lance shrugs quizzically. 'Auto-erotic asphyxiation' Orlando explains. Lance grimaces.
'I’m trying out this new wild-man image, right? Well, they’re all at it, the A-list bad boys' says Orlando. Lance ponders and nods.
'Any good?', he asks.
Orlando gestures to the TV. 'Dunno. Didn’t get to ‘see the light’ thanks to your stalker'.
Lance looks at the TV just as Chanelle glares into the camera. He nervously ducks down. 'Can she see me through that?'
Frumpy Lucy Mass, appears from under a sleeping-bag.
'Since when did you lot care about privacy?'
Wearing sweatpants and Greenpeace T-shirt, she sits up, yawning. A poster of Karl Marx high-fiving Che Guevara reigns over her corner of revolutionary regalia. Her pink sleeping-bag is emblazoned with Disney Princesses.
Orlando turns angrily, 'Hey! Sleep in your own room!'
Lucy gestures to the living room. 'That would mean crossing the sea of tasteless tat... This corner is my Tibet!'
A section of chandelier falls from the ceiling, narrowly missing her. 'The rest is very much ‘Made in China’!'
Orlando steps forward, 'Well, I still want my pillar back!'
Orlando points to the toppled-over polystyrene pillar which resides in Lucy’s self-declared corner of the room. Covered in cobwebs, with bullet-holes and blood stains, a carved inscription reads: ‘symbol of my struggle’
'Never!' Lucy hisses.
The doorbells plays The Stone Roses – I Wanna Be Adored. Orlando turns excitedly to Lance, 'Quick, flick the fountain on...'
'No, it leaks.' replies Lance.
Orlando eagerly leans across and starts the fountain. 'Your one and only fan deserves the same treatment as all of mine!'
Orlando turns him to face the door. Lance starts to prepare himself.
Orlando carefully unbuckles the belt around his neck. The leather sticks to his blistered skin and dangles. He toys at it as Lucy approaches. She swiftly rips the belt from his skin and yanks the door open, leaving Lance grooming in front of the deadpan young mum.
'Aaaarrrggghhhhh!' screams Orlando.
'Oh. Hi Chanelle!' stutters Lance.
Chanelle thrusts a CD single under Lance’s nose. The cover displays a pretentious photo of Lance, with the title ‘Parachuting Love-Aid To Your Heart’.
'Can I have my £2.99 back?' she asks.
'This again!
'But it’s pish.' she says.
'It was three years ago!'
The young mum looks stumped. She picks up a baby doll from the pram and thrusts it into Lance’s face. 'It’s yours!'
Lance calmly places it back in the pram. Orlando appears at the door sporting a ruff. He puts on a Mediterranean accent. 'Hi. Orlando Santa Cruz...'
Lucy shouts from inside the house, 'Your name’s Mass - Same as mine!'
Orlando smiles and offers his hand. Chanelle picks up the doll and thrusts it at Orlando. 'It’s yours!'
Orlando looks surprised. He cradles the doll, a tear wells.
Struggling agent, Des'ree O'hara, approaches the group carrying a set of newspapers. Jewellery-clad and overly made-up, Des’ree grabs the doll from Orlando and tosses it into the garden fountain. She
pulls Orlando close.
'For God’s sake, you’re supposed to be a ‘wild man’, remember? - and here you are in public, wearing a ruff and carrying on like an ole fanny... you...' she softens, '...beautiful man!'
Des’ree grabs Orlando’s face and kisses his lips. She releases him and swans past Lance, glaring at him disapprovingly.

Des’ree marches into the house, hits the wet spot by the leaking interior fountain, and flies through the air, landing face-down on the polar bear rug. She looks up, shaken. Lance casually gestures to the rug, 'Oh, yeh. S’why that’s there.'
Des’ree dusts herself down. She barks at Lance, 'Papers!'
Lance scrambles to collect the fallen newspapers.
'How’d I get on, Des’ree?' Lance asks.
She grabs the stack from his hands, 'Erm... best we start with Orlando... Page 7, angel cheeks! - You’re back!' She hands Orlando a red top and points to a photo of him drunkenly falling out of a nightclub with a young starlet.
The photo shows the girl on the pavement, knickers on show, as a white-suited Orlando vomits beside her. The headline and lead paragraph read:
LOVE SICK
Former Big Brother star,
Orlando Santa Cruz, and X-Factor
sensation, Rose Monroe, painted the
pavement red last night...
Orlando beams, 'Great photo! We only met and ran through that five minutes before. That’s Sunny Delight I’m spewing there.'
'And it worked a treat! - Great exposure for you and Super-Lungs Monroe.' says Des'ree.
Orlando suggestively nudges Lance, 'A name that applies to more than just her singing!'
Lucy jumps in, 'Like you’d know - You were pleasuring yourself with a belt first thing this morning!'
Lance laughs. Lucy turns to him, 'Her father drinks with ours. He had his hit single the same year that Dad won the snooker title. It was arranged between them last month during a 4-day drinking session.'
'I thought your dad was in rehab?' asks Des'ree.
'Yeh... well... he dug a tunnel...' Lucy nervously answers.
Des’ree looks stumped. She turns to Orlando, 'We’ve got to build on this with a more famous love interest. Really crank up th new wild-man profile.'
Lucy scoffs. Des’ree steps towards Orlando. 'Orlando, babe... for our next love-match, we’re going to need...'
'No Des’ree. No... Me and Lucy don’t speak to her.' barks Orlando.
'But in her showbiz heyday...'
'She was a page 3 girl!' Lucy interrupts.
Des’ree looks intently at Orlando. He scratches his head.
'I dunno...'
Des'ree butts in, 'Look! - She used to know the father of the holy grail we now seek...'
Orlando looks up. 'Holy Grail?'
Des’ree nods emphatically. 'An Emmerdale starlet!'
Orlando whoops and high-fives Des’ree. Lance looks gutted while Lucy walks off in disgust.
'Where are you going, Lucy? Don’t you want to know what I’ve got for you?' asks Des'ree.
Lucy replies curtly, 'No! You’re not my agent.'
'You’re my agent. What you got for me?' demands Lance.
Des’ree ignores him. She continues to press Lucy. 'So you’re not interested in a writing commission in Tibet?'
Lucy’s ears prick up. Des’ree hands her an envelope. 'A hypnotist on my books is married to the editor of a travel guide...'
Lucy sarcastically interjects, 'Suppose they met when he cured her fear of flying?'
'That’s right!' says Des'ree, 'Ironically he tried the same on the last writer, but she now thinks she’s a barnacle goose... so, they need a replacement to travel tomorrow.'
Lucy looks stunned. Des’ree coolly turns away and gathers the newspapers. She turns to Lance who looks at her expectantly. 'Door!' she shouts to him.
Des’ree makes for the front door. Lance scrambles to get there before her, slipping at the fountain.
'Anything about my story there?' he asks.
Des’ree swans out. Lance watches after her and notices broken shards of blue porcelain on the garden path. He takes out a new commemorative blue plate and proudly hangs it on the vacated hook on the outside wall.

Des’ree’s modest office contains a scruffy sofa and TV at one end, opposite a large desk, where rests a half-empty bottle of Martini, a half-eaten apple and a photo of an overweight cat.
Black & white photos of unknown clients dot the walls. A lifesize cardboard cutout of Simon Cowell stands at the side of her throne-like chair.
Lance paces in front of Des’ree, who is sat at her desk, staring intently at the remaining Martini.
'What about my celebrity hero story?'
Des’ree remains fixed on the bottle.
'Des’ree!'
She startles and tosses a folded newspaper towards Lance. 'Alright. Alright - You made page 29.'
Lance looks relieved. 'Well that’s not bad, I thought I hadn’t made the papers at all the way you’ve...'
'In the Hounslow Gazette.' Des'ree bluntly states.
Lance’s face drops. He despondently tries to sit on the desk.
'Don’t sit! I’m prolly gonna cock a leg up there.' says Des'ree. Lost in thought, he stands again. Unsure what to do, Des’ree hoists a leg on the table.
'But I dragged a cat out of the town canal in front of loads of people.' whines Lance.
Des’ree points to the newspaper. 'Says here that it mauled you to pieces. Nothing about a rescue.'
'Well, yes, it mauled me - it probably knew it was me that pushed it in - but everyone saw me go in the canal for it.'
Des'ree ponders a moment. 'And whose idea was this setup?' she asks.
'Yours!'
'Well, there y’are, see? People just aren’t interested anymore...'
Lance looks at Des'ree in disbelief as tall, shaven-headed Rusty Turner enters the office in trendy, casual clothing.
Des’ree gets to her feet with open arms. 'Fair-turn’ Turner!'
'He does a fair turn!', they both say together.
Des'ree grins. 'You never did go in for the grandiose prefixes of other magicians, did ya?'
'Hypnotist!' Rusty corrects. 'Besides, it’s just Rusty now. I’m a record producer these days.'
Des'ree confusedly stares at him. He shrugs.
'Well, it’s all got so easy now no one uses emotive musicians anymore.'
Des’ree nods.
'I’m here about some numpty on your books... Lance Ogden?'
Lance eagerly steps forward. 'I am said ‘numpty’!'
Rusty eyes him disdainfully. 'I wanna speak to you about a video appearance for my new track.'
Lance looks excited. Rusty continues, 'Me and the rap-artist, Bullethole, sampled your pish song from a few years back.'
Lance nods along, pretending to not be offended.
'We needed a parachute hook and, obviously - otherwise we would never have touched that trite - we couldn’t find anything better.'
Lance forces a smile.
'So we sampled the ‘Parachuting Love’ bit from ‘Parachuting Love-Aid To Your Heart’, and cleverly repeated it continuously over a drum sequencer.' explains Rusty.
Des’ree excitedly mimes a hand-clap.
Rusty continues, 'We’re marketing it with an ‘underground edge’ by getting my annoying nephew to rap and snarl a bit - Radio play and advance sales are brutal.'
'Fantastic!' says Des'ree.
'And do I get royalties for this?' asks Lance.
'No. We checked. Your former management team get the lot - and a kidney when required, apparently.'
Lance nods.
'You’ll get a fee for a day filming the video - I presume by your current state of affairs you’re available now?' asks Rusty bluntly.
Lance reluctantly concurs.
'You’ll also have a ‘featuring’ credit as well as a bit of exposure.' says Rusty.
Lance nods contentedly. He smooths an eyebrow. 'And am I the star in the video?'
'No.' Rusty says coldly.
Lance nobly nods. 'Ok. And will lunch be incl...'
'No.'
Silence falls. Des’ree shrugs at Rusty.
'Don’t worry... I’ll parachute-pack a lunch!' jokes Lance.
Rusty turns to leave, 'I’ll wait in the van.'

George and Gloria Mass, impeccably dressed in black waistcoats and trousers, sit in the light, tastefully decorated living room of their manor home. Exhibits of George’s illustrious snooker career occupy the space behind Orlando; sat opposite his parents, looking uncomfortable.
George is distractedly edgy. Gloria peers at Orlando disapprovingly.
'So you’re still a childless man-spinster?'
Orlando looks up, affronted.
'...and what about Lucy? asks Gloria.
'No man could take that level of mental abuse, mum...' He mutters under his breath, '...God knows where she gets it from!'
George dryly interjects, 'Your dopey friend Lance could.'
Orlando laughs. He suddenly stops to ponder this. George walks to a small bar area, where a row of vodka optics hang at head height. He sets up shot glasses on the bar-top.
Gloria leans forward and whispers to Orlando. 'He’s been a week off the booze. Docs scared the crap out of him this time.'
Gloria lowers her voice, 'Those bottles are filled with water – He thinks they still have a hint of flavour!'
She lovingly crinkles her nose at George as he knocks back the shots. Orlando changes the subject.
'So how are you both?'
Gloria excitedly claps her hands. 'We’re doing fantastically well - as is anyone with a few bob during this crisis!'
George and Gloria guffaw. He sits down next to Gloria. They take each others' hand.
'Well, as you can see, your dad and I are back together again... We’re thinking we might even get married this time.'
They kiss. Orlando rudely scoffs.
George takes a cube of blue cue-chalk from his waistcoat pocket and hurls it Orlando’s head.
Orlando scowls as he rubs his forehead.
Gloria slips on a headset-mic. 'Right, gotta go. I’m actually working right now.'
Orlando looks up. 'Yeh? What’re you up to?'
'Catty Consulting.'
Orlando looks confused. 'But you don’t know anything about cats...'
'No. ‘Catty’ - as in malevolent bitch.' George says dryly.
Gloria proudly smiles. 'And a rather gifted one! - People pay a fortune for my consort.'
'Really?' says Orlando surprisedly.
'Yeh. Take socialite, Plums & Cream O'Ryan. She wants to get at her dad for buying her an ugly yacht, so I suggest a fake, highprofile engagement to a pointless celebrity... that’s what I’m organising.'
Orlando's eyes widen. 'Plums & Cream is getting engaged here? Now?'
'Yes, but it’s just a ruse, dear. They’re gonna make a fortune from all the break-up scandals I’ve got organised! Says Gloria, rubbing her hands.
Orlando sits up. 'So who’s the celebrity gonna be? Coz, y’know...'
'Your Dad.' says Gloria.
Orlando chokes on air. 'What!'

Lance, dressed in a red jumpsuit, jumps excitedly beside a small aeroplane on an airfield. Alongside, Rusty and his rapper nephew stand with the cameraman. Rusty hands Lance a backpack.
'Right. So you’re going up with Brian here, the cameraman who’s gonna film your tandem jump. Your instructor’s on his way.'
Lance stops dead. 'Sorry. What’s going on?'
Rusty tuts. 'For the video. We’re filming you mime the line ‘Parachuting love’ as you free-fall
from 12,000 feet - Was that not clear?'
'No, it wasn’t! - Look, I’m like, really scared of heights. The highest I’ve ever been was getting in a car with George Michael.'
Rusty sighs impatiently. 'Well, the frickin’ song’s called ‘Parachuting Love’ and you’re standing on
an airstrip wearing a jumpsuit, I thought it was pretty obvious.'
Bullethole scoffs. Rusty composes himself. An idea comes. He grabs Lance's shoulders and looks at him assuredly.
'I’m a hypnotist... I can put you under.'
Lance shakes his head. 'Oh... I dunno...'
'Look, you’ll go up there, do the jump, mime the line, land safely and won’t know a thing.'
Lance looks skeptical. 'Does it hurt?'
'No... you’ll be in a trance and when you hear ‘un-dos-tres’ you’ll come round again.'
Lance looks confused. 'But I don’t speak Spanish.'
Rusty sighs.
'Ooh, did you just teach me it then?' asks Lance.

Orlando jumps to his feet. 'But why Dad? Why not me?'
Gloria sighs. 'Look, since retiring, your Dad’s done nothing but drink! Now he’s teetotal he needs
something to do.
George picks up a box of chocolate liqueurs and desperately shakes the contents into his mouth.
'A big story like this and he’ll be on the next series of ‘Dancing on Ice’. After that, the path opens up.' says Gloria.
'Yeh... MY path!' Orlando says incredulously.
'Anyway, the media will be here soon... Must get on...' says Gloria, turning to leave.
'Wait! I need to speak to you abo...' Orlando stops short. Gloria glares and walks out.
Orlando grins to himself. 'Media!'
A devilish look crosses his face. He spies several crates of champagne sitting in the hall.
He peers over at his father, now licking a bowl clean.
George shouts out to Gloria, 'Did you put any sherry in this trifle, dear?'

Lucy, smiling and resplendent in Tibetan robes, sits at her workstation at home and calls Lance’s number from her mobile phone.
Lance, expressionless, sits calmly as wind noisily rushes in from the open door of the plane in flight. Robot-like, he removes his phone. 'Lance Ogden.'
'Hey, you. Wot ‘cha doin?' asks Lucy breezily.
'Being a confident individual, unafraid of heights and completely open to the practice of skydiving.'
'Riiight' says Lucy, confused. 'Anyway... guess where I’m flying to tomorrow?'
'Concluding from your jaunty demeanour I confidently surmise Tibet. And that the travel editor has offered you the writing commission. I offer my Congratulations.'
'Are you okay?' Lucy asks suspiciously.
'No. I am promptly melancholic that the woman I’ve admired since secondary education is to discover a far-off destiny void of my loving participation,' says Lance without emotion.
The instructor taps Lance on the shoulder. 'I must now terminate the call. It appears my instructor is ready to mount me.'
The dark, moustached Spanish instructor places his hands on Lance’s shoulders and shouts above the wind din.
'Buenos días... Estás preparado?'
'Lance replies, 'Si, colega. Completamente.'

An overly-photogenic Plums & Cream O'Ryan is seated at the head table in a small dining hall in George and Gloria's manor. An empty chair beside her.
Gloria, standing behind, addresses the small group of guests and media. Talking through her headset-mic, her voice booms. 'Ladies and gentlemen. Members of the press. In just a moment, we’ll proudly present Plums & Cream’s fiancée...'

From within the dimly lit living room, Gloria's muffled announcement echos around the walls. '...but first, allow me to give you a clue! - He’s a highly accomplished, much-admired genius in his field, and someone who I personally know and love dearly...'
Antsy, Orlando hastily fastens the buttons on a black waistcoat. His phone rings. He clumsily handles it.
'What?' he barks.
'Where are you?' asks Lucy.
'Mum & Dads’.'
'Turncoat!'
Orlando tuts. 'Not now.' He starts to groom himself, shouldering the phone.
'Guess what? - I’m going to Tibet!' Lucy announces excitedly. Orlando murmurs along, pretending to listen.
'Why is no one excited about this?' Lucy asks herself. She puts the phone back to her ear. 'Listen, I’m leaving first thing and need to pack. Go find Lance, it sounds like he’s in some trouble.'
Orlando snaps back to the conversation.
'What? - No... I can’t...' His face turns white, 'I think I’m about to get engaged!'
He hangs up. At his feet, amidst several empty champagne bottles, lies George in his underwear, drunkenly moaning!
Wearing George’s fineries, Orlando takes a deep breath and walks towards the dining hall. Gloria voice beckons the mystery man. '...so allow me to now welcome to the head table, Plum & Cream’s best-kept secret.'
The guests’ applause rings through the walls. A cunning smile crosses Orlando’s face.

Lance, strapped to the front of the Spanish instructor and seated by the open door, stares serenely ahead. The instructor gives Brian the cameraman the thumbs up and he exits. He then taps Lance on the shoulder.
'Okay? - Vamos.' Cradling Lance, the instructor rocks back and forth. He counts aloud, 'Un... dos... tres!'
The pair roll out of the plane.
Lance jolts to consciousness in free-fall. The scene in front of him sinks in.
'Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh!'

Orlando confidently struts into the hall. The applause dies down and disappointed groans fill the air.
Cameras sporadically flash.
'Genius in his field?' a reporter sarcastically shouts.
Orlando sits next to Plums & Cream, who turns quizzically to Gloria, looking stunned. She speaks into her mic.
'Er... Ladies and gentlemen. Chris Ma...'
Orlando springs up and speaks into Gloria’s mic. '...Orlando Santa Cruz!'
Light hand-clapping ensues. Orlando looks round at Plums & Cream who seductively eyes him. He returns the look.
Under the table, she places a hand on his thigh.
'Play this right and I may take you away this weekend!'

Des’ree, sat at her desk watching TV, an apple core on the table, drinks the last of the Martini from the bottle. 'Lunch over!'
On the news channel, she sees a live feed with the banner:
PLUMS & CREAM AND ORLANDO SANTA CRUZ TO MARRY
Live from their engagement at Bluechalk Manor.
She stares open-eyed. 'Oh, this is big!' She grabs her jacket and scrambles out of the office.
'You beautiful man!'

The dining hall is in good spirits with Orlando, next to Plums & Cream, impressively batting questions from the press.
'Are you two ‘soul-mates’?' asks one smiling reporter.
'I don’t know about soul-mates... but we definitely mate with all our soul!'
The room erupts. Photos flash. Plums & Cream spontaneously kisses Orlando. Gloria jumps in.
'Okay. That’s all for now, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much for coming.'
Guests start to pack-up. Des’ree rushes in, greeting anyone ‘important-looking’ as she makes her way to the head table.
'Hi. Des’ree O’Hara. Orlando’s Fame Guru... Hi. Des’ree. Fame Guru...'
At the head table, Gloria angrily barks into Orlando’s ear, 'What happened to your father?'
'Oh, think he may ‘ave fallen-off the wagon,' says Orlando with innocent eyes. 'I had to step in, mother.'
Gloria glares at him before hurrying off to find George.
Des’ree greets Orlando with open arms. He gets up, grinning.
'Emmerdale starlets? - Pah! - You’ve hit the jackpot, son!'
Plums & Cream jokingly interrupts. 'This one’s mine!'
She looks Orlando deep in the eye. She leans in seductively.
'Pack a bag. You’re coming away with me tonight!' She gyrates against him. Two members of her security entourage tap her on the shoulder to leave. She looks longingly at Orlando, grabs his groin and departs.
Des'ree turns excitedly to Orlando. 'The phone is gonna ring off the hook!'
Orlando distractedly watches Plums & Cream leave. Aroused, he shifts his groin and turns to Des’ree. 'Sorry, Des’ree... but I... need the loo...'
Orlando rushes off. Des’ree turns to the nearest ‘suit’. 'Hi. Des’ree O’Hara. Fame Guru...'

Aroused, Orlando stands in front of a large mirror in the downstairs bathroom, and excitedly whips off his clothes. Standing semi-naked, making sex faces at his reflexion, he carries away.
After a moment he notices a belt hanging on the door. He pauses. A devilish look creases his face. He takes the belt off the hook...

Des’ree stands next to a TV Reporter as he hangs up a call.
'They tell me there’s nothing bigger to lead with, so the engagement will be the main showbiz story tonight.' he tells Des'ree, who grins excitedly.
'Barring some humiliating catastrophe!' he jokes.
Des’ree playfully wags a finger. She kisses his cheek. 'Fantastic! - Orlando’s gonna be huge...' She pauses for effect. '...barring some humiliating catastrophe!'
The pair laugh.

Outside on George and Gloria's driveway, an ambulance speeds off, sirens blaring. Des’ree stands in utter disbelief, shaking her head.
George wobbles alongside Gloria, looking weary and still halfnaked. They smirk smugly as the ambulance disappears.
The reporter finishes a phone call and looks over at Des’ree. He sympathetically shrugs, rubs his hands and hurries off.

Lucy, in Tibetan attire, stands by her cleared corner of the living room. A Disney Princesses bag sits by her feet. She looks around. 'Guess I’m packed then.'
Her phone rings. 'Oh. Hi, Liz! - Yeh, all set to go...' She scoffs loudly, 'Lance? He’s fine. Tell Rusty it’s a small fracture - Although he thinks he’s dying!' She laughs, 'Yeh! - I know he is...'
Lucy looks serious. 'No, no, no. I’m not gonna be his wet nurse! - He’s got Orlando to look after
him... nothing can stop me going to...'
Lucy stops dead, eyes transfixed on the plasma screen showing a photo of Orlando with the headline graphic:
ORLANDO SANTA CRUZ IN “NEAR-DEATH W*NK” CATASTROPHE
“All the A-list bad boys are up to it” says gruff-voiced star.
The story cuts to the TV reporter beaming smugly at a hospital.
'Sources now tell us that following the scenes at Bluechalk Manor, Orlando’s father - snooker idol, George Mass – has ran off with Plums & Cream to a ‘secret, spicy, sex-haven’. His long-term glamour girlfriend, Gloria, is said to be ‘mildly peeved’...'
Stunned, Lucy drops the phone. A section of chandelier narrowly misses her. She doesn’t notice.

Lance, with his ankle in plaster, and Orlando, wearing a neck brace, sit together on the sofa watching TV.
Lucy, wearing a saucy nurse outfit and red lipstick, seductively puts her finger in Lance’s mouth. She whispers breathlessly, 'Let me take your temperature, big boy...'
Lance snaps out of his daydream. Lucy, standing grumpily in front of Lance, wearing T-shirt and sweatpants, holds a tray of medication and water. She drops it on Orlando’s lap, who dramatically yelps. She marches back to her corner.
Des’ree enters the house and casts Orlando a dirty look. Lucy immediately leaves. Des’ree calls after her.
'Don’t be like that - I couldn’t look after them - I’m cleaning up all the mess...'
Lucy points to the pair and accumulated clutter. 'Yes, you are!'
She slams the door. Des’ree walks right past Orlando and sits next to Lance. She shuffles close and ruffles his hair.
'How’s my favourite client today?' Des'ree hands him a lollypop. Surprised, Lance gleefully accepts.
'Guess who has a fresh-of-the-press copy of the ‘Parachuting Love’ video?' teases Des'ree.
Lance sits up. 'Yeh? - Wicked! Whack it on...'
Des’ree tosses it at Orlando, who begrudgingly puts it in the player.
'At last a client who’s not a total arsehole!' she aims at him.
Orlando sits down. The title graphic to the video reads:
RUSTY with BULLETHOLE feat LANCE OGDEN
Orlando and Lance look at each in shock. They read aloud, 'Rusty bullethole - Lance Ogden?'
As the naff song and video plays, the trio stare with mouths agape. They shrink in their seats.
Des’ree jumps up, unbuckles her belt and makes a noose with it. She menacingly gestures at both of them. Terrified, the pair lean close and protect their throats.
'Oh, this isn’t going round your necks...'
]]> Thu, 26 Jan 2012 06:52:46 CST leebullen Social Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/social/celebrity-cultured/ http://thedailysatire.com/social/the-south-yup--im-racist/
(Jackson, MS) -- After decades of rumors and denials, the truth about one of the nation’s most notorious geographical regions has finally come out. At a news conference this morning, the Southern United States of America -- known to most people as "the South" -- stunned friends and family members by confirming a long-held suspicion that it is, in fact, racist.

"I know this is going to come as a surprise to a lot of folks, but I don't like black people," the South said, clearly underestimating the level of America’s common sense. "I've hidden my true beliefs for years by pretending to support programs like Affirmative Action, No Child Left Behind, and Martin Luther King's birthday, but no more! I want the entire world to know under no uncertain terms that I... am... racist!"

The announcement comes just days after an elementary school teacher from Georgia resigned after giving students homework with racially charged math problems. In one question, students were asked to solve the following problem: "Each tree has 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?" Another problem posed the question "If Frederick got two beatings each day, how many beatings did he get in one week?"

"That was pretty much what did it," said Prof. Eugene Feldspar, a sociologist from Princeton University. "Over the years the South has supported slavery, opposed desegregation, offered whites-only restrooms and drinking fountains, gave birth to the KKK, lynched African-Americans, proposed 'Separate But Equal' laws, fought vigorously against the Civil Rights Movement and continually points out that Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. And up ‘til now, we could always give it the benefit of the doubt. But yeah, after that whole slavery-math-problems thing, it's pretty hard for the South to hide it anymore."

Friends and co-workers of the South, while stunned at the actual admission, are not surprised at the confirmation of its racial leanings. Considered one of the worst kept secrets for more than 150 years, the South repeatedly been seen hanging out at so-called "racist bars" and socialized with known racists. On the political stage, the South has supported known or suspected racists such as Orval Faubus, David Duke and Haley Barbour.

"I saw the South at a Klan rally on TV one time and I was like 'Whoa, what's going on here?" said the South's neighbor, Charles Meyers. "I was like 'the South's a racist?' But then I got to thinking about the 'March on Selma' with all the violence and blood and that whole gotta-fly-the-Confederate-flag thing and then the pieces started to fall into place."

"And yeah," Meyers continued, "that whole slavery-math thing pretty much sealed the deal. If you didn't know the South was racist before that, it's pretty hard to ignore now."

"It's like I'm a free man right now," added the South, apparently unaware of the irony. "The best thing about it is I no longer have to look sheepishly over my shoulder before using 'the N-word.' In fact, why am I calling it 'the N-word' anymore? I can say the actual word now without feeling any expected remorse.

The South then went on a Michael Richards-esque rant that the publishers of this article deemed too offensive to print.

“And I’m not gonna stop there!” The South continued. “I am going to be a champion for ‘racist rights.” I won’t rest until racist marriage is recognized in all fifty states and I want all racists to have affordable healthcare available to them. We racists have been persecuted for nearly fifty years, and I won’t stop until every racist is granted the basic human dignity they deserve. We shall overcome!”

The South already has a busy schedule following the announcement. Tomorrow morning it’s expected to attend a cross burning sponsored by the Ku Klux Klan followed by a NASCAR race before speaking at a Ron Paul rally.
]]> Wed, 25 Jan 2012 23:24:01 CST RabidDawgClassic Social Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/social/the-south-yup--im-racist/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newts-grandiose-thoughts/ Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:21:34 CST mimidee US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newts-grandiose-thoughts/ http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/newt-gingrich-good-i-can-feel-your--/
"Newt Gingrich: Good I can feel your anger…
foxtailstudio:

I am releasing a new meme into the wilderness. Except, I couldn’t decide which caption I liked best, so I am releasing all three versions and will let the interwebs decide their fate. 
Vote for your favourite by leaving a comment! http://www.tumblr.com/blog/foxtailstudio" ]]> Sun, 22 Jan 2012 14:16:36 CST Apocalection Political Cartoons & Funny Pics 2 http://thedailysatire.com/cartoons/newt-gingrich-good-i-can-feel-your--/ http://thedailysatire.com/movie-spoofs-parody/a-question-of-taste/
Visually, this is not stunning or groundbreaking, the colours are a little mediocre and the costumes are not as neat and clean lined as I have seen in ‘Lasagne Night’. However I felt that this blandness in visual aesthetics contributed to the deliberate understated glamour, which is refreshing to see in the world of the exotic Pomegranate Seeds and attractive Rocket Leaves.

Mash, which may have needed a little buttering up before show time, was a consent theme as was Bean Sauce. The Beans, themselves, had no minor role, drawing parallels with society’s difficulties in population control, they added the necessary grit and bite to the overall story on the plate. Their appearance gave strength and realisation to the plots other main characters. The Salt and Pepper are also worthy of note, though minor in their on-screen time the story could not have been completed without them, they gave a roundness and fullness to the story that tomato Ketchup, who was also up for the role, could not have provided.

The Fish Fingers, making only their second appearance in my meals this year, were perhaps a little over-rehearsed. Their performance was not as crisp and crunchy as I have previously seen in ‘Fish Fingers, Chips and Peas’. I felt that even though they were the main characters, the Bean Sauce that appeared in nearly every scene overshadowed them.

Perhaps this was a little wet altogether and maybe it could have benefited from some fresh new ingredients, such as Peas, but this could have displaced the staler performance of the Beans. Overall this is a fun all rounder that most people can enjoy regardless of age.
]]> Sun, 22 Jan 2012 10:57:24 CST ladybekkicarrot Movies & Spoofs 2 http://thedailysatire.com/movie-spoofs-parody/a-question-of-taste/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/critics-slam-obama-for-just-standing-there-during-photo-op-1/ Sun, 22 Jan 2012 03:19:39 CST TheDailyShadow US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/critics-slam-obama-for-just-standing-there-during-photo-op-1/