http://thedailysatire.com Funny Spoof News, Social Satire, And Political Cartoons Mon, 21 May 2012 02:59:16 CDT en http://thedailysatire.com/News/controversy-as-monarch-living-in-luxury-while-subjects-suffer-hosts-lunch-for-monarchs-living-in-luxury-while-subjects-suffer/
The Diamond Jubilee lunch, in which guests will celebrate being born into opulence, will be attended by heads of state who display varying degrees of selfish greed.
The King of Bahrain, Swaziland’s King Mswati III, the Galactic Empire’s Emperor Palpatine, Planet Mongo’s Ming the Merciless and Prince Philip are among controversial monarchs expected to attend the lunch.
Among those not attending the lunch are Queen Sofia of Spain and her Husband, King Juan Carlos, who broke his hip while selflessly hunting elephants in Botswana.
Jubilee lunch
The Queen, who has a personal fortune estimated to be in the region of £349m, is expected to address the guests while sat on the lap of a Foreign Office ventriloquist who will be drinking a glass of water.
Buckingham Palace said it will not comment on the attendees at the lunch, but reassured everyone that the menu would consist of the finest food and wines available, and would definitely be very, very expensive.
“The Queen’s role is to keep her mouth shut and take the money,” said a Buckingham Palace spokesperson.
“This is something she has done superbly over the last 60 years, and will continue to do for as long as she possibly can.”
“So there.”


]]> Mon, 21 May 2012 02:59:16 CDT Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/controversy-as-monarch-living-in-luxury-while-subjects-suffer-hosts-lunch-for-monarchs-living-in-luxury-while-subjects-suffer/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/asshole-who-missed-out-on-google-ipo-to-try-and-get-rich-off-of-facebook-ipo-%7C-the-grindery-1/ Fri, 18 May 2012 08:39:22 CDT thegrinderydotcom News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/asshole-who-missed-out-on-google-ipo-to-try-and-get-rich-off-of-facebook-ipo-%7C-the-grindery-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/olympic-setback-as-beckham-blows-out-flame-makes-wish/
While the Olympic flame has been accidentally extinguished in the past, it’s the first time such an incident has been marked with excited clapping, and demands for jelly and ice-cream.
Surrounded by people who eat canapés for a living, amongst them Princess Anne and Boris Johnson, Beckham quickly realised he must have either won the World Cup, or forgotten how old he was.
“It was very confusing”, admitted Beckham. “We were in a sort of sports place, but there wasn’t no goals, and there was this candle, but there wasn’t no cake.”
“I just done a blow, and then said a quiet wish in my head. Don’t tell no-one, but it was for world peace, some lions and more sales of my amazing underpants.”
Olympic flame
Beckham had been chosen for his easy, photogenic countenance and consistently disappointing performance at International level, both seen as core values for Britain’s Olympic hopefuls.
Organisers now admit that he should have been briefed more thoroughly, particularly when he insisted on putting on his ‘birthday suit’.
The incident, while embarrassing, wasn’t all bad news. Stock markets recovered slightly as Greece’s flame exports doubled in 24 hours, with many investors convinced there’ll be a fire sale.
Beckham apologised for his mistake, and promised to look after the replacement flame very carefully.
“For instance, I’m just popping to the bathroom with it now, to see if it wants a drink.”


]]> Thu, 17 May 2012 05:59:45 CDT Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/olympic-setback-as-beckham-blows-out-flame-makes-wish/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/amazing-stories-of-unlikely-animal-friendships-%7C-web-of-weird/ Tue, 15 May 2012 12:18:18 CDT wow Weird News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/amazing-stories-of-unlikely-animal-friendships-%7C-web-of-weird/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/diageo-to-actively-prevent-you-having-fun-unless-you%E2%80%99re-drinking-their-alcohol/
After recently abusing its position as ‘sponsor’ at Sunday’s British Institute of Innkeeping awards ceremony by insisting the organisers change the winner of a key award from rightful recipient BrewDog, the alcohol company said its latest move was simply the next logical step in making people do what it wanted them to.
A spokesperson for the group said, “We’ve spent millions promoting our drinks brands, and if you’re not going to consume them when you’re out, then we’re not willing to sit idly by and let you enjoy yourself.”
“We’ve hired teams of ‘whiners’ who will spend the evening moaning into the ears of anyone seen drinking anything other than our own brands.”
“If someone ‘accidentally’ tips your drink out of your hand, don’t be surprised to see them in a Diageo t-shirt.”
Diageo targeting rivals
Regular drinker Simon Williams told us, “I had my first experience of this last night, when someone came up to me and asked if I was drinking Guinness – I told them it was Murphy’s and they kicked me in the shin and spat in my pint.”
“Then they looked me straight in the eye and menacingly implied that I would prefer Guinness in future.”
“It’s an unusual tactic, certainly. But I suppose like any good capitalist economy, we have to give complete freedom to the companies that spend the most.”


]]> Sat, 12 May 2012 04:19:08 CDT Imp News Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/News/diageo-to-actively-prevent-you-having-fun-unless-you%E2%80%99re-drinking-their-alcohol/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/wow-weekly-weird-news-digest/
Top stories include the 'Super Cool Bra' (pictured) which contains fishtank design gel that can be frozen to provide a cooling effect in the summer sun, and also includes wind chimes, some weird science about dinosaur farts, and some super cute animals ]]> Fri, 11 May 2012 13:42:57 CDT wow Weird News 3 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/wow-weekly-weird-news-digest/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/local-unemployed-man-finally-does-a-days-work/
Inside sources, however, have said that it is unlikley that the man, who has never had a job in his entire life, will make full use of this rare opportunity in order to finally enter the world of work and become a productive member of society.

"He has spent his whole life waiting for an inheritence from his mother" one source told us "and I am pretty sure that he is still waiting for that, and will not be seeking gainful employment."

Watch the video to see Prince Charles reading the weather for yourself. ]]> Thu, 10 May 2012 11:47:17 CDT almostnews News Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/News/local-unemployed-man-finally-does-a-days-work/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/secret-cia-waterboarding-tapes-reach-top-of-lovefilm-chart/
The latest figures show that 98% of all subscribers have expressed an interest in seeing the films in the near future, and certainly before they get sent a scratched copy of War Horse.
Lovefilm customer Simon Williams told us, “It was a toss up between Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, and six hours of a man chocking on a sopping wet tea-towel.”
“I quite fancied the Tom Cruise movie, but as always the missus had the last word.  She loves a bit of drama you see.”
CIA Water boarding tapes
The head of the CIA’s Counter-terrorism Center, Jose Rodriguez, narrates the films in a style which experts are describing as a cross between Sir David Attenborough and Richard Hammond on Total Wipe-Out.
View David Wilkins told us, “I’ve seen it, and it’s pretty good in parts, though I thought there was a bit too much vomiting for my liking.”
“The soundtrack was pretty much non-existent, which when you’re watching a man cry for two hours at a time makes it a bit of a chore.”
“That said, I hear that the sequel ‘Guantanamo’ is even better.”


]]> Thu, 10 May 2012 04:39:49 CDT Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/secret-cia-waterboarding-tapes-reach-top-of-lovefilm-chart/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/exclusive-want-top-secret-government-work-then-win-a-poker-tournament-1/
If it sometimes seem like global politics is like a giant game of poker, that’s because (according to secret government documents revealed on WikiLeaks today) it basically is. Top secret recruitment files from multiple Secret Service departments in America, UK and several other countries suggest that Secret Service agents across the world are recruiting the next generation of spies – from the world’s top poker tournaments.

“People think of spies as being like James Bond” one intelligence source told The Daily Satire “They think we spend our time running around the world driving fast cars and having sex with beautiful women. I mean, obviously we do that, as recent news stories have clearly shown. That’s why most of us got into this kind of work in the first place. But it’s not what we are supposed to be doing. It’s just like our version of spending the afternoon on Facebook when you’re supposed to be doing some boring spread sheet or something; or having a sneaky five finger shuffle in the work toilets.

“The work of a spy, and actually most global diplomacy, basically comes down to three things: Being able to lie, being able to guess who else is probably lying and what they are lying about, and pure blind luck. When we set out to find that highly specialised skill set we were surprised to find out that best place to find it is at poker tournaments. Since then we have been scouring the poker listings looking for dirt on the top poker players that we could use to blackmail them into working for us.”
When asked why the Secret Service doesn’t just pay their recruits instead of blackmailing them our inside source looked surprised, and told me “Interesting idea. Like we do with women you mean? We didn’t think of that.”

Questioning the man further we asked whether recruits found at poker tournaments would have the necessary dedication to patriotic duty and upstanding moral character for such important work. At this point our source looked at us with squinty eyes, laughed, then blushed, then said “oh, you’re serious”. At this point he lost interest in the interview and went to talk to a leggy blonde woman at the bar.

The public has reacted angrily to the latest revelations from a beleaguered Secret Service, with campaigns across social media platforms calling for a more honest approach to international relations that doesn’t involve lying and manipulating people. But government has been quick to respond with a strong defense, issued in a press release today:

“Sensitive international negotiations have to take place in secret, everybody knows that and it is a commonly accepted fact. And if we were to start going around being honest and up front about what we are trying to do then it wouldn’t be secret anymore would it? So it stands to reason that we have to be deceitful and manipulative – it’s the only way to maintain secrecy.”

President Obama is also thought to be a strong supporter of the initiative. As James McManus says in Cowboys Full: The Story of Poker:

“Poker skill didn't vault Barack Obama into the presidency. No cool-eyed read of a Hillary Clinton tell made it obvious he should reraise her claims to be an agent of change. Nor did he shrewdly calculate the pot odds necessary to call John McCain on his commitment to the Bush economic policies or extending the war in Iraq. At least not literally, he didn't. But when Senator Obama was asked by the Associated Press in 2007 to list a hidden talent, he said, 'I'm a pretty good poker player.' He seemed to be talking about the tabletop card game, but the evidence also suggests he was right in the much larger sense.”



Unfortunately for Obama, however, it seems that the latest government recruits do not seem to agree that his poker skills are up to scratch. In a Daily Satire exclusive we have managed to interview one of the new government recruits drawn from the poker tournaments.

“It never ceases to amaze me how liberals look at reality” says Mike Ryan, from South Riding. “The proper poker analogy would be that, so far, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has called President Obama's bluff on every hand played and has won every time. Mr. Ahmadinejad has all the time in the world to play this amateur game. As long as Mr. Obama keeps playing penny ante hands against a guy who holds all the chips, he will not win the world poker championship. Mr. Ahmadinejad can just sit back and say: 'Is that all you got?' ”

If Mike is right, and I for one think he may well be, then it seems that the government may have nothing to lose and everything to gain from being honest about what it takes to succeed in global politics, and by sacking the diplomats, spies and political advisors in favour of a few good poker players.
]]> Tue, 08 May 2012 15:36:21 CDT almostnews World News 3 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/exclusive-want-top-secret-government-work-then-win-a-poker-tournament-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weekly-weird-news-in-pictures-04-may-2012/
This weeks top news stories include the world's fastest toilet, a 20 month erectin caused by a BMW motorbike, and an elephant who plays the harmonica. ]]> Fri, 04 May 2012 08:27:35 CDT wow Weird News 3 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weekly-weird-news-in-pictures-04-may-2012/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/president-obama-to-parade-bin-ladens-head-on-a-pike-1/
"We know that this is a serious issue," commented a press spokesman for the white house, "and we also know that all credit for the operation which led to the death of this despicable and dangerous terrorist should be given to the intelligence services who found him, and the military unit who carried out the raid. People do not want us to try to score cheap political points over this, and we want the American public to know that we are listening to them.

"That is why I can announce today, exclusively in The Daily Satire, that we have recovered Bin Laden's body from the sea. There was a great deal of criticism at the time that we did not release picture of Osama Bin Laden's corpse, and we have listened to what the people want. That is why Bin Laden's decomposing head will now be displayed prominently outside the White House. Except of course when it is on the campaign tour with the president - to ensure its security, of course. ]]> Mon, 30 Apr 2012 17:08:35 CDT TheDailyShadow News Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/News/president-obama-to-parade-bin-ladens-head-on-a-pike-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weekly-weird-news-pictures-27-april-2012-%7C-web-of-weird/
Top stories include: Kung Fu Hamster Attacks, Indecent YouTube Proposal, the fattest cat in the world, and plenty of others too. ]]> Fri, 27 Apr 2012 10:57:41 CDT wow Weird News 5 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weekly-weird-news-pictures-27-april-2012-%7C-web-of-weird/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/egypt-may-legalize-dead-spouse-sex-14-year-old-brides/ Thu, 26 Apr 2012 09:18:25 CDT wow Weird News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/egypt-may-legalize-dead-spouse-sex-14-year-old-brides/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/james-murdoch-at-leveson-latest-1/
Before emerging from the vehicle Wendy Deng, his stepmother, was seen to give him a spit wash and tell him, "Remember what your father Rupey says, always tell the truth. Or was it always tell lies? I can’t quite remember. Anyway, always say something even if you’ve made it up out of your head – you can always blame Colin Myler instead”.

Murdoch stepped out of the vehicle swinging his Snoopy lunch box containing his favourite packed lunch of Vegemite Sandwiches – no crusts, Cheesy Wotsits and a carton of Um Bongo (which apparently they drink in the News International Conga Line to the dole office) and made his way into the Inquiry to face a difficult day of tests and stuff.

A Tough Morning

On arriving he had to swear an oath: “Bollocks!” he said, before realising his mistake and quickly rectifying it with “Oh yeah, I swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the long in the tooth”.

Asked initially about his knowledge of the phone hacking scandal at News International Papers, he once again denied any knowledge of it, saying “It wasn’t my fault, bigger boys came!” before crying and leaking snot all over his perfectly copied notes which he’d taken from his brother Lachlan (also at the Inquiry, supporting James and hoping to get a share of the Wotsits at lunchtime).

Murdoch was also questioned about his awareness of e-mails that were sent claiming phone hacking was rife amongst staff in Wapping. He confirmed he did not read his own e-mails, even though News International were happily reading other people's.

He stuck to his carefully prepared original statement, which he first uttered at his last appearance at the Inquiry: “Leave me alone! I’ll cry and tell my DAD on you. I don’t even know how to send an e-mail; I’ve only just learned how to turn on my Etch-A-Sketch”. He lied. He’d actually had a Magna Doodle.

Meetings with the Prime Minister

The Inquiry then moved on to ask him about his dealings with the current Prime Minister David Cameron and whether or not they had met up to discuss the proposed takeover of BSkyB. Murdoch had previously denied the claims, but today admitted that they had met up for talks at the home of Rebekah Brooks’s curly red wig which has it’s own stable and indoor heated swimming pool.

“We had dinner together, but I had to be home in time for “Call The Midwife” on BBC1” said Murdoch. “I’m not allowed out any later than that. Besides, David had to go and iron his forehead some more and like, run the country or whatever it is he does”.

Prime Minister Cameron was unavailable for comment when contacted; a strange foreigner answered the phone when enquiries were made

“Oo eez zees?” the voice said “Ay ‘av no idea oo zees Cameron man you speek ov ees, I sink you hev ze wrong number”

In the background laughter could be heard and the phrase “Nice one, George” was uttered more than once.

Money Worries for Murdoch

Of course, money has been an issue for Murdoch since he lost his position as Chairman of News International, he’s now down to his last few million and is naturally concerned about where this will leave him financially especially as his father, Rupert is notoriously tight as a duck’s arse.

“What am I going to do for cash now my father has stopped my pocket money?” he opined to Wendy in the car, on their journey home.

“Don’t worry, Jimmy” said Wendy “you can always sell some of your stuff online like other children do. How about you get rid of your company PC to someone who really needs it? You could deliver it via an eBay courier to save even more time and money!” she added brightly before inspecting his head for nits “Don’t forget to wipe any incriminating e-mails first”, she added.

“Silly billy!” said James “I don’t know how to send one of those, remember!” he added before pinching her hard JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE KNEW.

In Tomorrow’s News:

James’ father Rupert takes to the stand again, playing the role of humble pensioner who was duped by all around him and had no knowledge of anything other than where his next Werther’s Original were coming from and whether he should start charging small children to ride on his Stannah Stairlift at his mansion in order to make a bit more money. Updates as they happen.
]]> Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:45:38 CDT almostnews News Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/News/james-murdoch-at-leveson-latest-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/tony-blair-assad-must-go-1/ ostrich could save him this time.

When questioned on how he would solve a problem like Maria, no, sorry, not Maria – Assad, Blair was particularly forthright.

''I'm sending in Simon Cowell'' he said. ''He's the only man for the job; it's going to be an incredible journey''.

Music Mogul Turns To Politics

Cowell, most famous for being so far back in the closet he's in Narnia - and the X Factor and stuff was said to be ''ready for the challenge'' of handling the Middle East Peace Process and planned a ''speculative approach'' to tackling the issue.

''I'm thinking we can get a 12 part live nightly series out of it'' he commented. ''Assad's Got Talent'', in which he has to perform a series of heart rending love ballads and interpretive dance routines in front of a panel of judges to save himself. One wrong note in his version of Alicia Key’s “If I Ain’t Got You” and he’ll face the wrath of the panel’s buzzers and withering comments. Not least from Cowell himself who promises to be as incisive as ever, sucking on his pen top and doing his “eyes like cash tills” routine.

''I haven't decided who I'll take there yet'' added Cowell ''If Kelly Rowland and Beyonce are busy there's always Sheena Easton and that one from Wilson Phillips who wasn't blonde''.

When questioned on whether or not the panel should consist of politicians or members of the United Nations, Cowell was typically forthright: ''The politicians and so called members of the United Nations don't pull the strings. Everyone knows it's all down to me and Rupert Murdoch, we're the ones with the real decision making power, probably more me than Rupey these days...but...''

There are of course critics to Blair’s proposal - current British Prime Minister David Cameron said that it was “blatant and dangerous opportunism, something you'd never see me or my Government doing''. Mr Cameron, speaking from the audience of the opposite channel’s new talent show “The Voice” was wearing a Florence and The Machine t-shirt and eating a cupcake added ''I wish I'd thought of it'' before running off to hammer another nail in the coffin of the NHS.

What Will Become of Assad?

Asked what should become of Assad after his deposing Blair and Cowell quite obviously have very different opinions. Blair wants to send him on a tremendously long caravan holiday to Rhyl to see what suffering is really like (of course on the strict proviso he sits down to study the latest caravan insurance quotes first) while Cowell wants him to front his latest boy band “Ceasefire”. Put together strictly for the Middle East Market and aimed at the more mature lady Cowell hopes that Assad’s subtle blend of moustache and corruption will be a big hit with repressed women everywhere. He also hopes that Assad’s deposition and rise as a pop singer will also increase his popularity in the United States although this is something that Assad will need some persuading over. Blair, in a typically candid moment commented “Assad in leather shorts, gyrating on stage? I’ll believe it when I see it”.

Mr Assad was unavailable for comment and reports that he is seeking representation from Max Clifford have neither been confirmed nor denied. Cowell believes Assad has a great future in front of him once he’s deposed, saying “Look, the guy’s been on an incredible journey and we just want to give him a chance to come on stage and tell his side of the story in full view of the cameras. We’ll hopefully catch the moment a solitary tear rolls
down his cheek as he speaks of his father’s death and see a montage of his best moments while Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays over it – it’s an irresistible combination and a ratings winner for sure” he added, reaching orgasm as he did so.
]]> Sat, 21 Apr 2012 05:53:49 CDT TheDailyShadow World News 4 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/tony-blair-assad-must-go-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weekly-weird-news-in-pictures-20-april-2012-%7C-web-of-weird/
Featured stories include: The Wind Powered Car (see picture), A video of a baby doing pulls ups, the praying mantis photobomber, the 'Dwarf Empire' theme park, Hitler fish and a US high school which looks eerily similar to the Millenium Falcon in Star Wars. ]]> Fri, 20 Apr 2012 03:52:35 CDT wow Weird News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weekly-weird-news-in-pictures-20-april-2012-%7C-web-of-weird/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/uk-starts-115-day-countdown-to-olympic-closing-ceremony/
£9.3bn in UK public funding has been set aside to cover the cost of the Games, and government attempts to persuade the population that they should be beside themselves with excitement have been met with a level of apathy usually associated with a sales assistant at B&Q.
Amongst the other events to mark the countdown to the opening ceremony was the unveiling of a huge white elephant at Marshgate Lane in Stratford.
Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “I think the time to ask people if it’s good value for money is after we’ve had the Olympics and they can see it’s been good for the country.”
“You only have to look at how Greece has prospered since they hosted the Olympics to see how….oh, wait.”
Olympic countdown
Members of the public are struggling to understand how spending vast amounts of money on what amounts to a glorified egg and spoon race should be something to be enthusiastic about.
“I’m really looking forward to the closing ceremony,” revealed a thoroughly unimpressed Graham Barton from Lincoln.
“It will be a real celebration of not having to hear about how brilliant I’m supposed to think it is.”
“The only thing I’m likely to gain from this event is an unnatural craving for Coca Cola and Big Macs.”


]]> Fri, 20 Apr 2012 02:06:57 CDT Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/uk-starts-115-day-countdown-to-olympic-closing-ceremony/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/zimmerman-gets-new-prison-tattoos-%7C-the-washington-fancy-1/ SANFORD, FL — George Zimmerman, the recently jailed killer of Trayvon Martin, has recently added new tattoos to his body while incarcerated.
Along with his two brand new additions, he also further elaborated upon already existing ones, claiming, “I was in the process of having them done before I accidentally committed a murder.” ]]> Thu, 19 Apr 2012 05:12:24 CDT TheDailyShadow News Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/News/zimmerman-gets-new-prison-tattoos-%7C-the-washington-fancy-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weird-diets-and-other-bizarre-eating-habits-%7C-web-of-weird/
Some examples include the man who lives on Mars bars alone, and has done for 17 years, 'slimming soap', the beer and ice cream diet, and the 'breatharians' who think that they don't need to eat at all. ]]> Wed, 18 Apr 2012 13:05:28 CDT wow Weird News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/weird-diets-and-other-bizarre-eating-habits-%7C-web-of-weird/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/bashar-al-assad-looks-like-an-ostrich-1/
The long neck, the beaky nose, it is all starting to make sense. And btw - did you know that George Bush looks a bit like a champanzee? I think I spot an important global political trend here. ]]> Tue, 17 Apr 2012 09:51:43 CDT TheDailyShadow World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/bashar-al-assad-looks-like-an-ostrich-1/