http://thedailysatire.com Funny Spoof News, Social Satire, And Political Cartoons Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:54:09 CST en http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore8/ Prius’s electric only mode proving popular for drive by shootings………..... Rolex, Louis Vuitton, Apple and Versace to start making low quality imitations of Chinese pandas………….. Michael Bay to start shooting on remake of the Artist, Jack, the cheeky Terrier expected to turn into 50ft tall robotic Model T Ford ………….. Garden rat feeder proving slow seller on QVC, ‘who the fuck wants to attract rats into their garden?’ asks perplexed viewer………………. Hospital X-ray technician suspended for using equipment on Lotto scratch cards……………. New French main battle tank to be equipped with ‘Auto surrender’ button………..... Air accident investigators baffled by airliners
preponderance to always crash into large blackened, flaming craters, FAA to consider routing flight paths away from such areas ……… Online contributor ponders fate of missing News Whore 1 and 5 articles, ‘No submission gets left behind’ (also appreciates positive comments)
]]> Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:54:09 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore8/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/the-daily-satire-rewards-beta--1/
Right now it is in a Beta stage - meaning we have launched a very basic rewards program but we are still working on making it better, ironing out any bugs and problems, increasing the number of actions that you can earn points for, and on finding more and better freebies for you. Read on to learn more about the program as it is and what we have planned for the future.

What You Can Earn Points For Now:

You get points for every day that you visit our site and click the rewards tab to log in to the program. You log in through Facebook.

You can also earn points for: Liking our facebook page. Tweeting about The Daily Satire or clicking the tweet or facebook like buttons from any story page to show you like it. Following us on Twitter.

What You Can Spend Your Points On Currently:

$15 Groupon gift card. $10 Zynga game card. $5 amazon gift card.

What You Will Be Able To Earn Points For In The Future:

As soon as we have worked out how to make it all work, or paid someone cleverer to do it for us, you will be able to earn points for:

Getting a story published. Visiting one of our blogs. Following us on Stumbleupon and Digg. Commenting on a story. Voting for a story.

What You Will Be Able To Spend Your Points On In The Future

Good things. I have no idea what, but I promise they will be pretty damn cool.

Don't forget to click the rewards tab on the top left of your page to log in and to check how many points you have earned! ]]> Sat, 04 Feb 2012 09:13:09 CST admin News Satire 1 http://thedailysatire.com/News/the-daily-satire-rewards-beta--1/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore7-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ unsatisfactory bathroom compromise, ‘toilet monsters can still climb out’ claims woman………. Pressing really hard on remote control buttons doesn’t make any difference if batteries are low, conclude scientists after 5 year study………… Gaming addict who has hand amputated after accident elects to have Wii remote grafted on rather than traditional prosthesis…………American astronauts aboard International Space Station ‘want to come home’ after seeing fellow Muslim astronaut looking at Al Qaeda videos on You Tube……… Typing error in request for assistance, from Ethiopian government, leaves famine victims at mercy of ad agencies, BBH & Saatchis fighting for ‘distended belly’ account……………. Fatalities on domestic Russian airlines now exceeds number of Russians killed in WW11………….. Herb Morrison to posthumously receive 1937’s ‘Best radio commentary of a German airship bursting in to flames’ award………… Prius’s battery packs in boot take up too much space claims eco serial killer………….. Farmer grateful to ‘Heroic’ pilot after he struggles at controls to fly stricken plane away from potato field and into orphanage……….. Crane operator admits defeat
after spending 3 days trying to load two giant magnets of the same polarity on to back of lorry………….
]]> Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:32:56 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore7-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore6-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ Belgrano incident was ‘failed Argentinian attempt to steal British torpedo’ say newly declassified documents………. Forcing locals to ‘run around wildly at gun point’ most cost effective method of clearing landmines says spokesman for Princess Diana charity ……….. Aung Sang Suu Kyi loses keys, locks self out of house after spending 30 years under house arrest………
Failure of female referee to grasp offside rule leaves many dead at Egyptian football match…….
]]> Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:07:09 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore6-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/bebo-collapse-to-force-sexual-predators-back-into-playgrounds/
With rumours still abound that the Bebo collapse may be temporary, perverts have insisted that any resurrection needs to be quick because those swings are starting to look very promising indeed.

Registered sex offender Travis Millwood told us, “This is a very sad day for those of us with a niche interest in pretending to be a young girl whilst trying to talk another young girl into meeting us in a secluded area.”

“Some of my happiest memories in the last few years are based around that website. Sure, it’s also where I got caught by the police and incarcerated for a couple of years, but I tend to remember the good times.”

Bebo closed

Not all perverts are so forgiving of the one-time popular social network favoured by young children.

One angry paedophile told us, “Bebo say they’re coming back, then they say they’re gone for good – now, I’m a patient man generally, but I’ve got some thirteen year-olds to groom and I’m on a clock here.”

“So they either pull their fingers out or I’ll be straight onto Google maps looking for my nearest playground.”

Another said, “Look, this is no tragedy because Bebo has been far too mainstream since 2008 anyway.”

“Do you know how many times I’ve wasted a couple of weeks grooming someone who turned out to be another nonce?”

“On the brightside, I did get to meet Gary Glitter.”



]]> Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:38:57 CST Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/bebo-collapse-to-force-sexual-predators-back-into-playgrounds/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/police-swoop-on-major-e-marketing-sites/
Inspector bean, the UK officer responsible for instigating the operation in the first place, told reporters that “It all began when I was having a conversation with my young nephew over pizza one evening. Many of his friends have had difficulty finding work since they left college, and he told me that a large number of them are now turning to e-marketing to make a living, using websites like How To Make Money Online. He was quite open about this, and I was shocked to hear that the sale of ecstasy has become so widespread over the neterwebs. Many of these youngsters are apparently earning large sums of money through these operations, so I knew it must be big, and they even seem to be openly recruiting new members into these gangs through something called affiliate marketing. ”

Over the sound of loud groans from both reporters and the reddening faces of higher ranking officers, who had undoubtedly all come to grab the glory for something they knew nothing about, one sniggering reporter asked Inspector bean whether he had ever heard of something called e-mail. At this point the Inspector seemed to become very animated and excitable, but told the press conference that he could not say much because he did not want to jeopardise an upcoming investigation into a global drug smuggling investigation thought to involve sending packets of ecstasy through the post.
]]> Sat, 28 Jan 2012 05:30:13 CST TheDailyShadow World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/police-swoop-on-major-e-marketing-sites/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/bernie-madoff-writing-%E2%80%9Cponzi-schemes-for-dummies%E2%80%9D-while-in-prison-%7C-in-other-newz/ Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:55:50 CST beachbum81 World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/bernie-madoff-writing-%E2%80%9Cponzi-schemes-for-dummies%E2%80%9D-while-in-prison-%7C-in-other-newz/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore4-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ new printer that ‘Doesn’t just fucking sit there for 5 minutes whirring away to itself before it graciously decides to print anything’………….Audi to sponsor 4/5ths of 2012 Olympics…………Mini owner who accidentally dropped Viagra down fuel filler, notices increased legroom, stiffer ride…………….President Sarkozys height deficit given as reason for France losing AAA rating………….
Hybrid bio-silicone super computer achieves sentience, spends all day looking at porn…………Consternation amongst local residents as ‘To let’ sign appears on building formerly housing Earthquake prediction Centre ………….New owner of store selling shelving baffled by lack of customers…………..Ronald Reagan Presidential Library accused of covertly selling off assets and using proceeds to buy back arms from Contra rebels to supply Iranian dissidents ………….
]]> Sat, 21 Jan 2012 13:37:47 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore4-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore3-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ to cinemas Summer 2012, ‘War Whore’ a heart rending tale of a young infantryman who forms an emotional bond with
a syphilis riddled French prostitute during WW1…………
Fukushima nuclear plant now stable, ‘Who’d have thought the Japanese would have so much experience in dealing with radio active fallout’ says U.S government spokesman……………
‘The fact that manufacturer involved in faulty breast implant scandal also owned factory making dog chews, should have set alarm bells ringing’ says spokeswoman for victims…………
]]> Fri, 20 Jan 2012 08:43:27 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore3-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore2-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ Costa Concordia ‘Is not recreational dive site’ say Italian authorities, Captains attempt to commemorate centenary of Titanic sinking ‘ill judged’………….Global warming campaigners plane crash lands on ice floe, all aboard eaten by polar bear……….. ‘ Forgottenpassword’ not good choice for password say P.C security experts………….Newly discovered Mayan 2013 calendar casts doubt on Mayan doomsday prophecy…………..Mercedes to offer automatic gearbox with built in grinding sound to make women drivers ‘feel at ease’…………….Archaeologists dig up time machine, make themselves redundant…………….Crossword fanatic feeling sheepish after mixing up crossword with newspapers QR code………… Great Pyramids and Sphinx now thought to have been built as part of casino resort say Egyptologists………..
L’Oreal to release new ‘Wrinkles-be –Gone the latest triumph of hope over experience, specially formulated for the more gullible woman’………..Iran denies possessing nuclear weapons, Presidential aide with briefcase handcuffed to wrist, ‘just doesn’t want to lose sandwiches’………….Retired Chinese tank driver drives to Tiananmen Square, fails once again to drive over anybody

]]> Wed, 18 Jan 2012 16:49:35 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/news-whore2-giving-you-your-news-just-how-you-like-it-honey/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/disney-to-purchase-lhc/ Mon, 16 Jan 2012 06:01:09 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/disney-to-purchase-lhc/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/shark-strike/ endless quest to fill the schedules with shark documentaries. Derdum Finn, an 18 footer from Seal Island and spokesperson for the sharks said ‘For many years now we have graciously assisted numerous film crews trying to obtain stunning footage of us as we go about our daily lives, often hamming it up to the camera to try and give them the most exiting shots, such as pretending to attack them in their flimsy little dive cages, popping our heads up unexpectedly alongside their boats, swimming along with an oxygen cylinder sticking out of the corner of our mouths like some foil wrapped cigar and worst of all, leaping theatrically out of the water in order to grab some stupid, imitation rubber seal. In reality there is no way we’d attack a seal like that, have you ever tried belly flopping into the water from 15 ft in the air? It fucking hurts I can tell you, my sides were the colour of a slapped arse for a week when I did it’. The impasse arose following the filming of
‘Shark men’ for some reason starring Paul Walker of the popular ‘Fast and furious’ franchise, where a number of sharks were harpooned, dragged aboard a hydraulic platform, raised out of the water, only for them to be prodded, poked and generally humiliated. It was the latter behaviour, which led a number of sharks to comment that ‘Fast and Furious was a piece of shit’ and ‘I would rather have been gang raped in the multiplex toilets’. Mr Finn went on to state that he was hoping other over exploited, under remunerated species such as Meerkats and Wildebeest would join their cause. For further information log on to the sharks website, Threebarrels.com
]]> Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:35:06 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/shark-strike/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/crow-loves-sledging/ Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:14:56 CST weirdoddtruenews Weird News 3 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/crow-loves-sledging/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/us-marines-urged-to-limit-enemy-abuse-to-%E2%80%98shooting-them-in-the-face%E2%80%99/ As the US Marines responsible for urinating on dead Taliban fighters were identified, observers have insisted that the abuse of enemy combatants should be limited to trying to kill them at every single opportunity.

The world was shocked by the images of marines ‘disrespecting’ the dead bodies of Taliban fighters, with some experts claiming that you should be nice to them as soon as you’ve successfully finished being horrendously nasty to them.
Television owners Simon Williams said, “I’m not sure I understand, if you offered me the choice of being pissed upon or shot at, I know which I’d prefer.”
“On a scale of mean things you can do to Taliban soldiers, I’d say that urinating on their lifeless bodies is somewhere near the bottom – just behind prank calling and whoopie cushions.”
US Marines
Military strategists have insisted that the outrage over the incident is fully warranted.
As one explained to us, “There will be some lily-livered liberals who will tell you that firing a high-velocity trajectory into the face of a living human being is far worse than urinating on a sack decomposing meat – but I would say those people are idiots.”
“And then I would shoot them in the face.”


]]> Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:29:55 CST Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/us-marines-urged-to-limit-enemy-abuse-to-%E2%80%98shooting-them-in-the-face%E2%80%99/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/friday-the-13th-went-without-hitch/
Doom mongers and fuckwits everywhere were confounded today when nothing out of the ordinary happened. No one was struck by a passing Albertross after having a black cat cross their path, no one had the bum stolen after walking under a ladder and no one had to listen to Justin Bieber after breaking a mirror.

Perennial knobjockey Shaun Tyler said "I walked under a ladder whilst a black cat crossed my path at the same time saying bloody Mary three times and humming the German National Anthem, the old one, you know with the verses about conquering everyone, and nothing bad happened to me today. mind you, last year on Friday the Thirteenth, I stunned my toe. That's pretty unlucky."

Elsewhere, Polar Bears felt lucky that their habitat was being destroyed and nothing more serious happened today. The unlawfully held inhabitants of Guantanamo were thanking their lucky stars that they were only being violently forcefed, ritually humiliated and tortured on a daily basis and not that they had walked under a ladder as well.

Meanwhile screaming cockwits were busily avoiding cats and ladders. Doris Offal, 89 from Chalfont said "I was walking down the Finchley Road, when a black cat ran across my path from under a ladder, I was so frightened that I ran across the road and straight under a bus, the 46 I think, to Holborn." ]]> Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:46:46 CST Newsattack News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/friday-the-13th-went-without-hitch/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/samsung-unveils-television-which-can-be-upgraded-for-cost-of-new-television/ Samsung claims to have put an end to expensive replacement televisions, by offering consumers equally expensive television upgrades instead.

The device is viewed by the manufacturing giants as a ground-breaking leap in being able to corale consumers into purchasing from the same company throughout the lifespan of advances in televisual technology.
A Samsung spokesperson conceded the chances of a television never becoming obsolete were about as likely as Jedward becoming astronauts.
“We are more aware than most that technological advances, by their very nature, make their predecessors seem like prehistoric artifacts – our sales strategy absolutely relies upon it.”
“But you wouldn’t fall for Vauxhall telling you, ‘look, buy our car because as technology advances we’ll change the chassis and the engine for you – all for the low, low cost of a new Vauxhall’.”
“But with a telly, you might just fall for it.”
Upgradeable television
Samsung hope the innovation will reassure shoppers that worrying about expensive new televisions will be a thing of the past.
“Why spend all the time researching the Internet for your choice of television, when all you need to do is give us a call with your credit card?”
“We’ll send round a qualified engineer – at an industry standard hourly rate – to plug something ridiculously expensive into the side of your television, and hey presto – you didn’t even need to buy a new wall bracket.”
“It’s the future.”


]]> Wed, 11 Jan 2012 09:09:13 CST Imp News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/samsung-unveils-television-which-can-be-upgraded-for-cost-of-new-television/ http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/afghanistan-to-be-relocated/ one minute on patrol, their nerves stretched drum tight expecting to get picked off by a Taliban sniper or being turned into a red pulp by a roadside bomb, the next on a Greyhound bus, off to see their loved ones ‘We don’t foresee any issues with that’ said a spokesman. The news has also been well received by U.S personnel in Afghanistan, a USMC spokesman been quoted as saying ‘ Yeah, yeah, get some, get some, run Charlie, run’
]]> Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:28:02 CST herewego World News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/world-news/afghanistan-to-be-relocated/ http://thedailysatire.com/News/new-2012-50ps-aimed-at-women/
Janet Tyler said "I saw this drawing on the back of a 50p and thought "aww he looks nice", even though it looks like he's breaking his on a fence. It's something called the "high jump" or something. This happens at the "Olympics". I have seen adverts for it, but I thought that the rings were to do with that car company Audi."

Designer Shaun Tyler (no relation) said "Women haven't got a clue when it comes to sport, take offside for example. If they can't understand it from three blokes shouting slightly different things at them in the pub and then sighing and using a pint glass and salt and pepper pots to demonstrate, while she sits looking bored and patronised, then we need to find a different way. My design of using the shapes on playstation buttons and no words seems to us to be accessible, understandable and came from months of meetings down the pub." 

After laughing derisively and saying "Oh love" patronisingly, the design and PR team for 2012 have decided on four designs: the high jump, offside, lbw and how to run a marathon without pissing yourself.

Sir Barty Stewartson, Head of Olympic PR, "We drew up a shortlist, then selected the final four designs. We did have five, but couldn't come up with a design that explains how to throw overarm without endangering others that would fit on the back of a 50p." ]]> Sun, 08 Jan 2012 06:42:16 CST Newsattack News Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/News/new-2012-50ps-aimed-at-women/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/gun-lobby-rallies-around-santorum/
“A few weeks ago, when Newt Gingrich was shooting off his mouth, we thought that we’d found the guy for us, but then he started shooting from the hip and we began to wonder, how’s he going to hit anything that way?

“We took a look at Ron Paul. For a while there, we thought he was a straight shooter, but sometimes he goes off half-cocked and no one’s going to vote for a guy who’s got only half a cock.

“Don’t even get me started on Romney. You ask me, he’s a loose canon. Every time he turns around, he shoots himself in the foot. About a quarter of our constituency seems to like that because he can’t seem to miss but it’s got nothing to do with marksmanship. His problem is he aims to please.

“When you get right down to it, all of our candidates, except Santorum are stuffed shirts. That’s the reason he’s the only one who can wear a sweater vest.” ]]> Sat, 07 Jan 2012 16:17:41 CST Barrywilldorf Weird News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/gun-lobby-rallies-around-santorum/ http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/lobbyist-demands-candidates-pledge-to-restore-feudalism/
After repeated demands for him to detail the ultimate objective of his campaign to require candidates for public office to swear an oath never to collect taxes, Grubby Ouldquest, the super-lobbyist that some have called “king-maker” finally admitted today that his real mission was to restore feudalism.

Holding a copy of the U.S. Constitution, Ouldquest pointed to the Preamble. “Look at this,” he said excitedly. “The purpose of our government is to ‘promote the general welfare.’ Welfare! This is nothing but a utilitarian SOCIALIST document and it ought to be just tossed in the trash heap of history where it belongs.”

When asked what he’d like to see replace the present government, Ouldquest didn’t miss a beat. “Feudalism,” he said, scrounging from that very same historical trash bin. “With feudalism, you didn’t need a government. Everything was private.

“What about roads and bridges?” a skeptic hollered from the back of the audience.

“Back in the good old days, you didn’t need roads,” Ouldquest replied, scowling. “You wanted to go somewhere, you just trampled over peasants’ fields. And if you came to a river, you waded, swam or hired a boatman — just like the way you get to Hell. And sure there were some bridges, but they were private too. It was pay as you go and that kept the peasants in their place.”

“What about armies, police, fire departments. Shouldn’t those be government functions?” someone challenged.

Smiling, Ouldquest delivered a ready response. “A thousand years ago, if you wanted soldiers, you hung a ‘help wanted’ sign on the parapet of your castle. When your private army wasn’t off trying to rob the guy in the neighboring castle, or starting fires, it was available to put them out. And since peasants had no rights to free speech or to a free press, you could use the same guys to keep them in line. It all worked out fine.”

“But they had taxes back then, didn’t they?” a reporter asked. “I mean, what was Robin Hood all about if it wasn’t interfering with the Sheriff of Nottingham’s tax collection activities? “

“Look” Ouldquest sniffed, “you must not have been paying attention. Robin Hood was a socialist. He was preventing the guys with the castles from collecting money from the peasants, money they needed to hire their private armies. It’s the guys in the castles, the job providers, I’m worried about, not the peasants whose fields are getting trampled. You start worrying about peasants, that’s when you get into crap like promoting the general welfare. “


]]> Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:30:12 CST Barrywilldorf Weird News 2 http://thedailysatire.com/weird-news/lobbyist-demands-candidates-pledge-to-restore-feudalism/