http://thedailysatire.com Funny Spoof News, Social Satire, And Political Cartoons Fri, 18 May 2012 11:29:22 CDT en http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/where-to-send-our-political-leaders-on-holiday-1/
It will be no surprise when photographs of a ruddy-cheeked PM hit the front pages of the tabloids as our commander in chief poses in an open-necked shirt at an undisclosed location on the Cornish coastline.

Nor will it come as any particular shock as we’re allowed a rare glimpse of the Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg, relaxing in a beer garden somewhere in Norfolk or Miliband the younger casually reading the Sunday papers with his shirt sleeves rolled up and a faithful Labrador by his side.

The only actual peculiarity is that these three party leaders haven’t got on the first plane out of Blighty as soon as the Leader of the House of Commons, Sir George Young, hollers: ‘school’s out!’

The trouble is that as we’re all currently suffering with cuts, redundancies and rising bills, a politician daring to dream of going abroad this summer would be castigated as quickly as Slash from Guns & Roses lighting the Olympic flame with a flick of his cigarette.

To give the head honchoes a break I’ve decided to put together a few suitable holiday suggestions that I feel would benefit not only them but the British public too. So, without further ado, please find my very own guide to where I’d like to send our politicians this summer.

David Cameron, Conservative:
Ever since the coalition arrangement was announced Big Dave has been attempting to test public opinion by throwing ideas ‘out there’ and watching them come back crumpled up and spat upon. If he really wanted to lead you’d have thought he’d have told us what was going to happen and then gone right ahead and done it. I personally think his first idea of the Big Society was a bit of a cry for help and it’s with this in mind that I’ll be sending him to China for at least a month to show him how to do it properly.

Nick Clegg, Liberal Democrat:
The TV debates that made Cleggy a household name were held in 2010 and he’s been pandering to the camera ever since. Kicking Gordon into touch and showing Cameron what can be done by remembering someone’s name and looking lovingly into our eyes has made Clegg the man he is today. Where better for the deputy PM to fine tune his trade in time for the next round than the good old US of A? Yes, I think adventure holidays on the west coast are calling Cleggy and when he’s done with visiting the Grand Canyon and trekking across Nevada then he can go straight to LA and Hollywood which is where he obviously secretly thinks he belongs.

Ed Miliband, Labour:
Now, did the better brother win? In a fight to the death I’d probably have my money on Ed with an underhanded stab in the back technique although, now his big bro David has had so much time away from the political arena I very much doubt he’d be up for a scrap. No, if Ed’s looking for an opponent that’s worthy of his savage approach to brotherly love I feel safari holidays in the Serengeti undoubtedly present myriad opportunities to watch how the big boys get to fight it out in the wild. However, better yet, knowing Edward and his propensity of wanting to go it alone perhaps a singles holiday may be more suitable.

Wherever our politicians go this summer, let’s hope they come back refreshed and ready to enjoy the legacy left by the 2012 Olympics. After all with Boris in charge, what’s the worst that could happen?

Chris is looking forward to this summer’s Olympics almost as much as going on his next adventure holidays in Syria.
]]> Fri, 18 May 2012 11:29:22 CDT almostnews UK Political Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/where-to-send-our-political-leaders-on-holiday-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/top-10-funny-pictures-of-queen-elizabth-ii-1/ Thu, 17 May 2012 08:58:44 CDT FunnyLists UK Political Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/top-10-funny-pictures-of-queen-elizabth-ii-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/upvoting-obama-meme/ Sun, 13 May 2012 14:58:00 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/upvoting-obama-meme/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/mitt-romney-bullying-not-so-shocking-allegations-1/
Really? The man who enjoys firing people might enjoy wielding power over people in a way that makes them unhappy? I am truly (not) shocked.

Apparently Mitt was part of an incident in which a group of boys forcibly cut the hair of a gay classmate. There was also a story about Romney leading a partially blind teacher into a closet as a practical joke. Personally, I forgive the second one based on my patented cruel humor test: If its funny its ok, if its not then its cruel. And I can easily imagine that I would have laughed at that one as a teenager.

BTW if you want to make yerself a meme you can add your own caption to the pictures above and add it to the bully boy Romney meme page on our new subdomain - no log in required, just type the text and its creating instantly - follow the link to check out the best examples so far and to make your own ]]> Sat, 12 May 2012 11:10:16 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/mitt-romney-bullying-not-so-shocking-allegations-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/pro-mitt-romney-rap-i-could-touch-mitt-romney--youtube/ Fri, 11 May 2012 14:32:51 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/pro-mitt-romney-rap-i-could-touch-mitt-romney--youtube/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-funniest-life-of-julia-spoofs-%7C-funny-lists/
I love it when political progaganda gets spoofed and mocked like this. I hope you like this list of the best and funniest Life of Julia spoofs as much as me. ]]> Fri, 04 May 2012 12:00:38 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 5 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-funniest-life-of-julia-spoofs-%7C-funny-lists/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/obama-vs-oprah-lightsaber-duel-1/ Wed, 02 May 2012 07:17:39 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/obama-vs-oprah-lightsaber-duel-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/mi6-not-entirely-open-about-its-secret-murders/ Is The British Secret Service Secretly Doing Secret Things? In Secret?

In what is being lauded by many as the understatement of the century, the coroner investigating the death of MI6 spy Gareth Williams - who was found dead locked inside a suitcase, in a bath, in a locked flat - has accused the police of not being 'completely impartial'.

This has lead some commentators to ask whether the Secret Service can be trusted to be completely honest about whether or not it is secretly murdering people. Investigations into whether this could in fact be the case are said to be centred around the word 'secret' in the phrase 'secret service'.

Revelations that key evidence, from a set of 9 memory sticks to a sports bag (both belonging to the dead man), were completely ignored by the investigating police have lent weight to the popular theory that the police are, in fact, basically a bunch of idiots. But could something more sinister be going on?

It is certainly an interesting case. A man found dead in a locked suitcase which he could not have locked himself, in a locked room that noone else could have locked, adds in interesting twist to the classic 'locked door mystery' beloved of crime fiction fans. This has led one investigator, a certain Mr Dirk Gentley, to suggest that Mr Williams was did not die by his own hand or by anyone else's, but in fact still exists in a state of quantum 'superposition' inside a Mrs Marple novel.

Read the real news story here: Coroner criticises MI6 investigation into spy Gareth Williams' death
]]> Tue, 01 May 2012 14:19:23 CDT admin UK Political Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/mi6-not-entirely-open-about-its-secret-murders/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/us-primaries-exit-polling-/
From Funny or Die ]]> Tue, 24 Apr 2012 06:25:24 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/us-primaries-exit-polling-/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/obama-the-dog-eater-%C2%B7-thedailysatire-%C2%B7-storify-1/ Thu, 19 Apr 2012 10:51:56 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/obama-the-dog-eater-%C2%B7-thedailysatire-%C2%B7-storify-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-with-balls/
This is what the US presidential hopeful Mitt Romney would be like if he actually had balls. Which he doesn't. I like it better than the real one. ]]> Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:49:48 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-with-balls/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/rick-santorum-quits-satire-responds/ Wed, 11 Apr 2012 08:58:46 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 4 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/rick-santorum-quits-satire-responds/ http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/new-government-seal/
A government spokesman told The Daily Satire that the condom is the perfect representation for this government, because "a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed." ]]> Wed, 11 Apr 2012 06:44:37 CDT TheDailyShadow UK Political Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/new-government-seal/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/gingrich-urges-romney-to-drop-out-so-he-can-focus-on-general-election-1/ "Following Rick Santorum's announcement Tuesday that he would end his bid for the Republican presidential nomination, candidate Newt Gingrich called upon frontrunner Mitt Romney to drop out of the race so the former House speaker could co..." ]]> Wed, 11 Apr 2012 06:06:57 CDT TheDailyShadow US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/gingrich-urges-romney-to-drop-out-so-he-can-focus-on-general-election-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/more-of-the-best-election-humor-tumblrs/ Mon, 09 Apr 2012 12:28:18 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/more-of-the-best-election-humor-tumblrs/ http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/sky-news-hired-teams-of-hitmen-in-murder-spree-scandal-/
An insider source who wished to remain anonymous told The Daily Satire:

"It all started with hacking the emails of that conoe man's wife. Yes it was illegal, but when we told the police that we had broken the law they agreed with us that it was 'in the public interest' and 'editorially justifiable'. Not long after that a news story broke about some Latino television news anchorman niring hitmen to kill people so that he could be first to the scene and cover the story. That gave us an idea. If we were able to break the law anytime we liked as long as it was 'in the public interest' and 'editorially justifable' then we would certainly be able to kill a few paedophiles. That is definitely in the public interest, and people love to hear good news stories about paedo's getting horrifically tortured and mutilated.

"Of course once the precident was set, things soon started to get out of hand. Having said that, I am reliably informed that executives at Sky News will stand by their decision to try to murder George Galloway, Justin Beiber, and any old woman with a wart on their nose, claiming that these killings would themselves have been in the public interest and completely editorially justifiable."

In related news a financier in the City of London currently being prosecuted for fraud is rumoured to be basing his defense on the 'editorially justified' precedent set by Sky News editors, by claiming that his crime was 'financially justifiable'.

]]> Thu, 05 Apr 2012 13:12:53 CDT TheDailyShadow UK Political Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/sky-news-hired-teams-of-hitmen-in-murder-spree-scandal-/ http://thedailysatire.com/politics/top-ten-funny-political-gaffes-%7C-funny-lists/ Wed, 21 Mar 2012 12:15:03 CDT admin Political Satire 1 http://thedailysatire.com/politics/top-ten-funny-political-gaffes-%7C-funny-lists/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/santorum-to-turn-washington-monument-into-crucifix-2/
Sylvia Brown told Ann Curry, “I was ever so blessed to have a conversation with Jesus himself two evenings ago. He informed me on Rick Santorum’s plan to make minor adjustments to the original monument, transforming the horrific phallic shaped abomination into the only acceptable structure, the crucifix. Jesus told me that by thinning out the base and using the removed materials to form the parallel line making the cross shape, then adding a paper Mache image of myself (Jesus) covered in authentic raw hide from the Smithsonian Museum of History, the appropriate structure will finally stand proud.”

Before Curry had a moment to grasp this new information, Browne continued, “I also reached Pope John Paul I and he told me that Americans and tourists alike will feel safe now and finally enjoy the reflection pool, appropriately filled with holy water and holy water alone.” Ann Curry responded with a blank stare while mouthing the words, “Cut to commercial.”

After the lengthy commercial break, Curry was forced to continue the interview. Brown informed the stunned host that even though an earthly rep was unavailable for comment, she was able to reach Thomas Jefferson and get his thoughts on the impending renovations. Brown concluded the interview with, “Poor Mr. Jefferson. He wasn’t very chatty but he did say he thought church and state were separated in the constitution and I heard him scream Benny F get over here and bring George.”
]]> Mon, 19 Mar 2012 10:12:00 CDT jdubbs US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/santorum-to-turn-washington-monument-into-crucifix-2/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/pols-pander-to-pig-values-voters-provides-political-party-promise-of-no-roomy-tent-needed-1/
Rather than broaden its base, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today the party was achieving its goal of becoming a “small tent” political party in which moderates, independents, even mainstream Republicans and people of faith who believe in the absolute separation of church and state, college grads and now women “are not welcome to the Party.”

Priebus added that he was “heartened” by a private Rasmussen poll confirming “what we already knew” that the Party’s base now ranges “from a few avid non intellectual male conservatives on the right to what we pridefully call our pig values voters on the far out apeshit right… I’d gladly sacrifice three votes from rationally minded voters of some equanimity for every one voter who would never miss a Rush Limbaugh broadcast,” Priebus rationalized, perhaps seeking to convince himself.

He credited the Party’s presidential candidates’ tacit (if not expressed) approval or possibly “grudging criticism” of Limbaugh’s latest ignorant, degrading, hateful, misogynistic and relentless on air three day diatribe aimed at contraceptive using women for “putting the party over the top.”

“Had our candidates not handled this matter with the graceful aplomb they showed, they risked alienating Rush and our treasured pig values voters,” Priebus summed up nicely.

Barely containing his glee, the appreciative RNC Chairman telephoned each candidate to thank them profusely as slack jawed journalists stood by taking notes. Priebus praised the candidates for their “collective genius” in “very gently and carefully whimpering” only about the choice of two of the words “slut” and “prostitute” that Limbaugh used to describe a young student and private figure Sandra Fluke, who testified before a congressional committee regarding the many women’s health benefits served by contraceptives besides preventing conception (Unlike every previous testifier who were deemed qualified to testify by Republican Chair Darrel Issa merely by successfully spelling the words “clitoris” and “uterus”, Ms. Fluke was viewed as offering a somewhat more interesting perspective on these matters because she was the first witness to actually own lady parts.)

“You courageouslessly sidestepped the slightest hint of disgust or condemnation for Rush’s over the airwaves offer to provide free birth control and aspirin to Ms. Fluke or any other especially attractive young woman who was willing to take video of herself having sex while using the free contraceptives and to post the video online for Rush and all to see,” a by now manic or possibly just excited flushly faced Priebus told Romney just before hanging up the phone.

“You would be surprised how many of our more astute supporters believe as Rush believes that women use birth control as men use Viagra, that is to heighten the sexual experience rendering it as slutty as possible,” Priebus said happily or possibly dejectedly.
Priebus said the U.S. Senate’s recent consideration of the Blunt II amendment was perhaps even more important in thrusting the party towards its goal of one party rule in November. Though defeated 51-48, this amendment would have required a woman seeking an abortion to undergo a medically unnecessary trans vaginal ultrasound and one trying to score some contraceptive drugs to undergo a “dunk” procedure to determine if she is a witch.

“If she does not float we know she is not made of wood and therefore NOT… A WITCH, pure and simple,” explained amendment sponsor Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) on the senate floor.

“The time is now to return to the severely spiritual science scoffing values that made the Middle Ages the exact midpoint between the Age of Dinosaurs and present day,” Blunt went on.

“I understand women’s concerns,” Blunt appeared to empathize. “Yes. It’s a crap shoot which of these two procedures would be the more invasive procedure when compared to rape, but where First Amendment religious freedom protections are involved, women must learn to lie back and enjoy it,” Blunt said above the din of loud gasps from many present.

When a voice from the senate gallery pointed out that all the non witches will have drowned under his proposal, the visibly irritated Blunt shot back: “But none I REPEAT NONE of these drowning victims ever will have used birth control unless she got it in some back alley somewhere… or something, Mr. Fancy Pants.”

Obviously distressed, soon-to-retire Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), the lone Republican to vote against the measure, appeared lost on the senate floor. She lowered her head, shook it sadly and even broke down in tears at one point as Blunt explained his newly offered Limbaugh-Blunt-Slut rider to the original bill.

By its terms, employers would be empowered to use “enhanced inquisition techniques”, stocks, racks, and even guillotines to flush out suspected contraceptive abusing women employees, “but ONLY if it is OK with her employer,” stressed Blunt. Under the measure’s “666 strikes and you’re out” provision, the guillotine would be the “last” resort reserved for the 666th time a woman is caught in possession of birth control drugs.

“I think we can safely say a woman who is caught 666 times is beyond rehabilitation and hopelessly under the influence of contraceptive drugs and the Prince of Darkness,” Blunt concluded woefully.
The clearly agitated Senator Snowe raced from the chamber. Before disappearing in the senate ladies room, she muttered something about feeling “repulsed”, and that Blunt’s speech made her “want to throw up.”










POLS’ PANDER TO PIG VALUES VOTERS PROVIDES POLITICAL PARTY PROMISE OF NO ROOMY TENT NEEDED
Recent video clips of sparsely attended presidential primary campaign rallies in oversized venues do not concern Republican Party leaders.
Rather than broaden its base, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today the party was achieving its goal of becoming a “small tent” political party in which moderates, independents, even mainstream Republicans and people of faith who believe in the absolute separation of church and state, college grads and now women “are not welcome to the Party.”
Priebus added that he was “heartened” by a private Rasmussen poll confirming “what we already knew” that the Party’s base now ranges “from a few avid non intellectual male conservatives on the right to what we pridefully call our pig values voters on the far out apeshit right… I’d gladly sacrifice three votes from rationally minded voters of some equanimity for every one voter who would never miss a Rush Limbaugh broadcast,” Priebus rationalized, perhaps seeking to convince himself.
He credited the Party’s presidential candidates’ tacit (if not expressed) approval or possibly “grudging criticism” of Limbaugh’s latest ignorant, degrading, hateful, misogynistic and relentless on air three day diatribe aimed at contraceptive using women for “putting the party over the top.”
“Had our candidates not handled this matter with the graceful aplomb they showed, they risked alienating Rush and our treasured pig values voters,” Priebus summed up nicely.
Barely containing his glee, the appreciative RNC Chairman telephoned each candidate to thank them profusely as slack jawed journalists stood by taking notes. Priebus praised the candidates for their “collective genius” in “very gently and carefully whimpering” only about the choice of two of the words “slut” and “prostitute” that Limbaugh used to describe a young student and private figure Sandra Fluke, who testified before a congressional committee regarding the many women’s health benefits served by contraceptives besides preventing conception (Unlike every previous testifier who were deemed qualified to testify by Republican Chair Darrel Issa merely by successfully spelling the words “clitoris” and “uterus”, Ms. Fluke was viewed as offering a somewhat more interesting perspective on these matters because she was the first witness to actually own lady parts.)
“You courageouslessly sidestepped the slightest hint of disgust or condemnation for Rush’s over the airwaves offer to provide free birth control and aspirin to Ms. Fluke or any other especially attractive young woman who was willing to take video of herself having sex while using the free contraceptives and to post the video online for Rush and all to see,” a by now manic or possibly just excited flushly faced Priebus told Romney just before hanging up the phone.
“You would be surprised how many of our more astute supporters believe as Rush believes that women use birth control as men use Viagra, that is to heighten the sexual experience rendering it as slutty as possible,” Priebus said happily or possibly dejectedly.
Priebus said the U.S. Senate’s recent consideration of the Blunt II amendment was perhaps even more important in thrusting the party towards its goal of one party rule in November. Though defeated 51-48, this amendment would have required a woman seeking an abortion to undergo a medically unnecessary trans vaginal ultrasound and one trying to score some contraceptive drugs to undergo a “dunk” procedure to determine if she is a witch.
“If she does not float we know she is not made of wood and therefore NOT… A WITCH, pure and simple,” explained amendment sponsor Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) on the senate floor.
“The time is now to return to the severely spiritual science scoffing values that made the Middle Ages the exact midpoint between the Age of Dinosaurs and present day,” Blunt went on.
“I understand women’s concerns,” Blunt appeared to empathize. “Yes. It’s a crap shoot which of these two procedures would be the more invasive procedure when compared to rape, but where First Amendment religious freedom protections are involved, women must learn to lie back and enjoy it,” Blunt said above the din of loud gasps from many present.
When a voice from the senate gallery pointed out that all the non witches will have drowned under his proposal, the visibly irritated Blunt shot back: “But none I REPEAT NONE of these drowning victims ever will have used birth control unless she got it in some back alley somewhere… or something, Mr. Fancy Pants.”
Obviously distressed, soon-to-retire Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), the lone Republican to vote against the measure, appeared lost on the senate floor. She lowered her head, shook it sadly and even broke down in tears at one point as Blunt explained his newly offered Limbaugh-Blunt-Slut rider to the original bill.
By its terms, employers would be empowered to use “enhanced inquisition techniques”, stocks, racks, and even guillotines to flush out suspected contraceptive abusing women employees, “but ONLY if it is OK with her employer,” stressed Blunt. Under the measure’s “666 strikes and you’re out” provision, the guillotine would be the “last” resort reserved for the 666th time a woman is caught in possession of birth control drugs.
“I think we can safely say a woman who is caught 666 times is beyond rehabilitation and hopelessly under the influence of contraceptive drugs and the Prince of Darkness,” Blunt concluded woefully.
The clearly agitated Senator Snowe raced from the chamber. Before disappearing in the senate ladies room, she muttered something about feeling “repulsed”, and that Blunt’s speech made her “want to throw up.”
POLS’ PANDER TO PIG VALUES VOTERS PROVIDES POLITICAL PARTY PROMISE OF NO ROOMY TENT NEEDED
Recent video clips of sparsely attended presidential primary campaign rallies in oversized venues do not concern Republican Party leaders.
Rather than broaden its base, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today the party was achieving its goal of becoming a “small tent” political party in which moderates, independents, even mainstream Republicans and people of faith who believe in the absolute separation of church and state, college grads and now women “are not welcome to the Party.”
Priebus added that he was “heartened” by a private Rasmussen poll confirming “what we already knew” that the Party’s base now ranges “from a few avid non intellectual male conservatives on the right to what we pridefully call our pig values voters on the far out apeshit right… I’d gladly sacrifice three votes from rationally minded voters of some equanimity for every one voter who would never miss a Rush Limbaugh broadcast,” Priebus rationalized, perhaps seeking to convince himself.
He credited the Party’s presidential candidates’ tacit (if not expressed) approval or possibly “grudging criticism” of Limbaugh’s latest ignorant, degrading, hateful, misogynistic and relentless on air three day diatribe aimed at contraceptive using women for “putting the party over the top.”
“Had our candidates not handled this matter with the graceful aplomb they showed, they risked alienating Rush and our treasured pig values voters,” Priebus summed up nicely.
Barely containing his glee, the appreciative RNC Chairman telephoned each candidate to thank them profusely as slack jawed journalists stood by taking notes. Priebus praised the candidates for their “collective genius” in “very gently and carefully whimpering” only about the choice of two of the words “slut” and “prostitute” that Limbaugh used to describe a young student and private figure Sandra Fluke, who testified before a congressional committee regarding the many women’s health benefits served by contraceptives besides preventing conception (Unlike every previous testifier who were deemed qualified to testify by Republican Chair Darrel Issa merely by successfully spelling the words “clitoris” and “uterus”, Ms. Fluke was viewed as offering a somewhat more interesting perspective on these matters because she was the first witness to actually own lady parts.)
“You courageouslessly sidestepped the slightest hint of disgust or condemnation for Rush’s over the airwaves offer to provide free birth control and aspirin to Ms. Fluke or any other especially attractive young woman who was willing to take video of herself having sex while using the free contraceptives and to post the video online for Rush and all to see,” a by now manic or possibly just excited flushly faced Priebus told Romney just before hanging up the phone.
“You would be surprised how many of our more astute supporters believe as Rush believes that women use birth control as men use Viagra, that is to heighten the sexual experience rendering it as slutty as possible,” Priebus said happily or possibly dejectedly.
Priebus said the U.S. Senate’s recent consideration of the Blunt II amendment was perhaps even more important in thrusting the party towards its goal of one party rule in November. Though defeated 51-48, this amendment would have required a woman seeking an abortion to undergo a medically unnecessary trans vaginal ultrasound and one trying to score some contraceptive drugs to undergo a “dunk” procedure to determine if she is a witch.
“If she does not float we know she is not made of wood and therefore NOT… A WITCH, pure and simple,” explained amendment sponsor Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) on the senate floor.
“The time is now to return to the severely spiritual science scoffing values that made the Middle Ages the exact midpoint between the Age of Dinosaurs and present day,” Blunt went on.
“I understand women’s concerns,” Blunt appeared to empathize. “Yes. It’s a crap shoot which of these two procedures would be the more invasive procedure when compared to rape, but where First Amendment religious freedom protections are involved, women must learn to lie back and enjoy it,” Blunt said above the din of loud gasps from many present.
When a voice from the senate gallery pointed out that all the non witches will have drowned under his proposal, the visibly irritated Blunt shot back: “But none I REPEAT NONE of these drowning victims ever will have used birth control unless she got it in some back alley somewhere… or something, Mr. Fancy Pants.”
Obviously distressed, soon-to-retire Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), the lone Republican to vote against the measure, appeared lost on the senate floor. She lowered her head, shook it sadly and even broke down in tears at one point as Blunt explained his newly offered Limbaugh-Blunt-Slut rider to the original bill.
By its terms, employers would be empowered to use “enhanced inquisition techniques”, stocks, racks, and even guillotines to flush out suspected contraceptive abusing women employees, “but ONLY if it is OK with her employer,” stressed Blunt. Under the measure’s “666 strikes and you’re out” provision, the guillotine would be the “last” resort reserved for the 666th time a woman is caught in possession of birth control drugs.
“I think we can safely say a woman who is caught 666 times is beyond rehabilitation and hopelessly under the influence of contraceptive drugs and the Prince of Darkness,” Blunt concluded woefully.
The clearly agitated Senator Snowe raced from the chamber. Before disappearing in the senate ladies room, she muttered something about feeling “repulsed”, and that Blunt’s speech made her “want to throw up.”
POLS’ PANDER TO PIG VALUES VOTERS PROVIDES POLITICAL PARTY PROMISE OF NO ROOMY TENT NEEDED
Recent video clips of sparsely attended presidential primary campaign rallies in oversized venues do not concern Republican Party leaders.
Rather than broaden its base, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today the party was achieving its goal of becoming a “small tent” political party in which moderates, independents, even mainstream Republicans and people of faith who believe in the absolute separation of church and state, college grads and now women “are not welcome to the Party.”
Priebus added that he was “heartened” by a private Rasmussen poll confirming “what we already knew” that the Party’s base now ranges “from a few avid non intellectual male conservatives on the right to what we pridefully call our pig values voters on the far out apeshit right… I’d gladly sacrifice three votes from rationally minded voters of some equanimity for every one voter who would never miss a Rush Limbaugh broadcast,” Priebus rationalized, perhaps seeking to convince himself.
He credited the Party’s presidential candidates’ tacit (if not expressed) approval or possibly “grudging criticism” of Limbaugh’s latest ignorant, degrading, hateful, misogynistic and relentless on air three day diatribe aimed at contraceptive using women for “putting the party over the top.”
“Had our candidates not handled this matter with the graceful aplomb they showed, they risked alienating Rush and our treasured pig values voters,” Priebus summed up nicely.
Barely containing his glee, the appreciative RNC Chairman telephoned each candidate to thank them profusely as slack jawed journalists stood by taking notes. Priebus praised the candidates for their “collective genius” in “very gently and carefully whimpering” only about the choice of two of the words “slut” and “prostitute” that Limbaugh used to describe a young student and private figure Sandra Fluke, who testified before a congressional committee regarding the many women’s health benefits served by contraceptives besides preventing conception (Unlike every previous testifier who were deemed qualified to testify by Republican Chair Darrel Issa merely by successfully spelling the words “clitoris” and “uterus”, Ms. Fluke was viewed as offering a somewhat more interesting perspective on these matters because she was the first witness to actually own lady parts.)
“You courageouslessly sidestepped the slightest hint of disgust or condemnation for Rush’s over the airwaves offer to provide free birth control and aspirin to Ms. Fluke or any other especially attractive young woman who was willing to take video of herself having sex while using the free contraceptives and to post the video online for Rush and all to see,” a by now manic or possibly just excited flushly faced Priebus told Romney just before hanging up the phone.
“You would be surprised how many of our more astute supporters believe as Rush believes that women use birth control as men use Viagra, that is to heighten the sexual experience rendering it as slutty as possible,” Priebus said happily or possibly dejectedly.
Priebus said the U.S. Senate’s recent consideration of the Blunt II amendment was perhaps even more important in thrusting the party towards its goal of one party rule in November. Though defeated 51-48, this amendment would have required a woman seeking an abortion to undergo a medically unnecessary trans vaginal ultrasound and one trying to score some contraceptive drugs to undergo a “dunk” procedure to determine if she is a witch.
“If she does not float we know she is not made of wood and therefore NOT… A WITCH, pure and simple,” explained amendment sponsor Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) on the senate floor.
“The time is now to return to the severely spiritual science scoffing values that made the Middle Ages the exact midpoint between the Age of Dinosaurs and present day,” Blunt went on.
“I understand women’s concerns,” Blunt appeared to empathize. “Yes. It’s a crap shoot which of these two procedures would be the more invasive procedure when compared to rape, but where First Amendment religious freedom protections are involved, women must learn to lie back and enjoy it,” Blunt said above the din of loud gasps from many present.
When a voice from the senate gallery pointed out that all the non witches will have drowned under his proposal, the visibly irritated Blunt shot back: “But none I REPEAT NONE of these drowning victims ever will have used birth control unless she got it in some back alley somewhere… or something, Mr. Fancy Pants.”
Obviously distressed, soon-to-retire Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), the lone Republican to vote against the measure, appeared lost on the senate floor. She lowered her head, shook it sadly and even broke down in tears at one point as Blunt explained his newly offered Limbaugh-Blunt-Slut rider to the original bill.
By its terms, employers would be empowered to use “enhanced inquisition techniques”, stocks, racks, and even guillotines to flush out suspected contraceptive abusing women employees, “but ONLY if it is OK with her employer,” stressed Blunt. Under the measure’s “666 strikes and you’re out” provision, the guillotine would be the “last” resort reserved for the 666th time a woman is caught in possession of birth control drugs.
“I think we can safely say a woman who is caught 666 times is beyond rehabilitation and hopelessly under the influence of contraceptive drugs and the Prince of Darkness,” Blunt concluded woefully.
The clearly agitated Senator Snowe raced from the chamber. Before disappearing in the senate ladies room, she muttered something about feeling “repulsed”, and that Blunt’s speech made her “want to throw up.”
POLS’ PANDER TO PIG VALUES VOTERS PROVIDES POLITICAL PARTY PROMISE OF NO ROOMY TENT NEEDED
Recent video clips of sparsely attended presidential primary campaign rallies in oversized venues do not concern Republican Party leaders.
Rather than broaden its base, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today the party was achieving its goal of becoming a “small tent” political party in which moderates, independents, even mainstream Republicans and people of faith who believe in the absolute separation of church and state, college grads and now women “are not welcome to the Party.”
Priebus added that he was “heartened” by a private Rasmussen poll confirming “what we already knew” that the Party’s base now ranges “from a few avid non intellectual male conservatives on the right to what we pridefully call our pig values voters on the far out apeshit right… I’d gladly sacrifice three votes from rationally minded voters of some equanimity for every one voter who would never miss a Rush Limbaugh broadcast,” Priebus rationalized, perhaps seeking to convince himself.
He credited the Party’s presidential candidates’ tacit (if not expressed) approval or possibly “grudging criticism” of Limbaugh’s latest ignorant, degrading, hateful, misogynistic and relentless on air three day diatribe aimed at contraceptive using women for “putting the party over the top.”
“Had our candidates not handled this matter with the graceful aplomb they showed, they risked alienating Rush and our treasured pig values voters,” Priebus summed up nicely.
Barely containing his glee, the appreciative RNC Chairman telephoned each candidate to thank them profusely as slack jawed journalists stood by taking notes. Priebus praised the candidates for their “collective genius” in “very gently and carefully whimpering” only about the choice of two of the words “slut” and “prostitute” that Limbaugh used to describe a young student and private figure Sandra Fluke, who testified before a congressional committee regarding the many women’s health benefits served by contraceptives besides preventing conception (Unlike every previous testifier who were deemed qualified to testify by Republican Chair Darrel Issa merely by successfully spelling the words “clitoris” and “uterus”, Ms. Fluke was viewed as offering a somewhat more interesting perspective on these matters because she was the first witness to actually own lady parts.)
“You courageouslessly sidestepped the slightest hint of disgust or condemnation for Rush’s over the airwaves offer to provide free birth control and aspirin to Ms. Fluke or any other especially attractive young woman who was willing to take video of herself having sex while using the free contraceptives and to post the video online for Rush and all to see,” a by now manic or possibly just excited flushly faced Priebus told Romney just before hanging up the phone.
“You would be surprised how many of our more astute supporters believe as Rush believes that women use birth control as men use Viagra, that is to heighten the sexual experience rendering it as slutty as possible,” Priebus said happily or possibly dejectedly.
Priebus said the U.S. Senate’s recent consideration of the Blunt II amendment was perhaps even more important in thrusting the party towards its goal of one party rule in November. Though defeated 51-48, this amendment would have required a woman seeking an abortion to undergo a medically unnecessary trans vaginal ultrasound and one trying to score some contraceptive drugs to undergo a “dunk” procedure to determine if she is a witch.
“If she does not float we know she is not made of wood and therefore NOT… A WITCH, pure and simple,” explained amendment sponsor Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) on the senate floor.
“The time is now to return to the severely spiritual science scoffing values that made the Middle Ages the exact midpoint between the Age of Dinosaurs and present day,” Blunt went on.
“I understand women’s concerns,” Blunt appeared to empathize. “Yes. It’s a crap shoot which of these two procedures would be the more invasive procedure when compared to rape, but where First Amendment religious freedom protections are involved, women must learn to lie back and enjoy it,” Blunt said above the din of loud gasps from many present.
When a voice from the senate gallery pointed out that all the non witches will have drowned under his proposal, the visibly irritated Blunt shot back: “But none I REPEAT NONE of these drowning victims ever will have used birth control unless she got it in some back alley somewhere… or something, Mr. Fancy Pants.”
Obviously distressed, soon-to-retire Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME), the lone Republican to vote against the measure, appeared lost on the senate floor. She lowered her head, shook it sadly and even broke down in tears at one point as Blunt explained his newly offered Limbaugh-Blunt-Slut rider to the original bill.
By its terms, employers would be empowered to use “enhanced inquisition techniques”, stocks, racks, and even guillotines to flush out suspected contraceptive abusing women employees, “but ONLY if it is OK with her employer,” stressed Blunt. Under the measure’s “666 strikes and you’re out” provision, the guillotine would be the “last” resort reserved for the 666th time a woman is caught in possession of birth control drugs.
“I think we can safely say a woman who is caught 666 times is beyond rehabilitation and hopelessly under the influence of contraceptive drugs and the Prince of Darkness,” Blunt concluded woefully.
The clearly agitated Senator Snowe raced from the chamber. Before disappearing in the senate ladies room, she muttered something about feeling “repulsed”, and that Blunt’s speech made her “want to throw up.”
]]> Mon, 12 Mar 2012 02:09:29 CDT alaskawielkopolski US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/pols-pander-to-pig-values-voters-provides-political-party-promise-of-no-roomy-tent-needed-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/santorum-means-love/ Thu, 08 Mar 2012 15:25:28 CST Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/santorum-means-love/