http://thedailysatire.com Funny Spoof News, Social Satire, And Political Cartoons Mon, 15 Oct 2012 06:10:39 CDT en http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funniest-mitt-romney-jokes-youtube/ Mon, 15 Oct 2012 06:10:39 CDT admin US Polticial Satire 4 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funniest-mitt-romney-jokes-youtube/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/question-to-the-candidates-help-me-get-laid-2012-youtube/ Sun, 14 Oct 2012 20:11:39 CDT omalleyt US Polticial Satire 6 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/question-to-the-candidates-help-me-get-laid-2012-youtube/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funny-obama-jokes-and-memes-youtube/
Hi, thanks for watching my video featuring the funniest Obama jokes.
Did you hear the one about Obama winning the nobel peace prize? That’s right, that was a joke.
Did you know - Obama has sold more guns to the drug cartels than all of the other Nobel Peace Prize winners put together?
[meme image] -
Q. What's the difference between Barack Obama and a government bond?
A. The bond will eventually mature.

Obama claims that he has a balanced budget plan. It's exactly one half smoke and one half mirrors.

Q: Why is the Obama economy a system of checks and balances?
A: He writes the checks, you pay the balances.
Q: What's the difference between Lincoln and Obama?
A: Lincoln suffered from major depression. Obama caused one.

If Obama had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided.

Q: What did Obama say when he was told 3 Brazilians were killed in Afghanistan?
A: He asked Michelle "how many is in a brazillion?"
Barack Obama has started holding a weekly séance in the Oval Office.
So far, he has only managed to channel Jimmy Carter.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and God? A: God doesn't think he is Obama

Q: What is the difference between Obama and Jesus? A: Jesus can put a cabinet together

Q: Why did Obama have all sheets replaced in the White House?
A: He didn't want to be identified with anything muslin.
[meme]
The news that Barack Obama ate dog meat as a child inspired some of the best Obama jokes, such as:
What is Obama's Favorite Breakfast? Eggs Rover Easy

Obama's Favorite Burger? Quarter Pounder with Fleas

Obama's Favorite Vegetable? Collie Flower

In a related joke:
Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a "good, solid B-plus" for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.

[meme] – inflation

Why does Obama’s presidency prove that America has finally put its racist past behind it? Because the country chose a black person to clean up the mess left by rich……oh.

Obama was leaving the country club golf course when he was accosted by an armed robber who demanded, "Give me all of your money!" Barack haughtily replied, "Do you know who I am. I'm the President of the United States!" The robber snarled back, "Then give me all MY money."

President Obama was visiting a school when he decided to talk to a little girl. The girl, who had just opened her book, closed in slowly and asked Obama “what would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?"

"OK," she says. "That sounds interesting. But can I ask you a question first?

“Certainly” says Obama

“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.” Says the girl “But a deer poos out little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

The girl nods sagely. “My daddy was right” she says, “you don’t know shit”.
]]> Tue, 09 Oct 2012 10:23:34 CDT admin US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funny-obama-jokes-and-memes-youtube/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/2012-political-poll-whos-got-your-vote/ Sun, 30 Sep 2012 23:52:46 CDT thedood2012 US Polticial Satire 33 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/2012-political-poll-whos-got-your-vote/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/a-presidential-election-endorsement/
Asylum Earth has always tried to remain a-political having refrained from getting involved in our quinquennial exercise in futility (for those of you from Elmira, that’s our Presidential elections every four years). Like religion, there is always something for everyone and we believe it is up to each individual to develop his/her own personal convictions regarding these issues.

However, having taken a hard look at the present state of world affairs, and the people in charge of said affairs, we strongly believe that in this coming election, picking a person for the position as leader of the free world must be taken in a much more serious manner than heretofore witnessed.

Regardless of one’s political leanings, the leader of our country will have to deal with the likes of the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (whose first name is best pronounced while clearing a Yak bone from your throat), Venezuela’s President, Hugo Rafael Chavez (who’s delusions of grandeur actually have delusions of grandeur), Zimbabwe’s Grand Poobah, Robert Mugabe, (well, he lost his last election for President, but then declared that he had, in fact, been the only one running for Grand Poobah) and North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un (whose late father was Kim Jong - I told you I was - ill).

After serious staff discussions, followed by a round of Tequila shots and some kick ass peyote, we came to the conclusion (more obvious after the peyote shots), that for once in our country’s history we must fight fire with fire. Having looked over the candidates running for the office, we canceled the second round of Tequila snorts, as there were only three people left that could raise their right hand when asked to vote, and came to a unanimous decision to back the only person we believe capable of handling the afore mentioned cast of lunatics, hombre a hombre, Roseanne Barr, a candidate for the position via the Green Eggs and Ham Party, we think.

It’s of little concern that she would have no idea what a President Chavez or Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un are talking about, hell, no one has had any idea what they have been talking about for years. What’s been missing is a high pitched nasal impaired diatribe response, as only President Roseanne could deliver, that would make them wish they had never opened their mouths. Give her ten minutes and they would all head for Germany and beg for membership in the Carthusian Monastery of Silence.

End of problem . . .

We not only felt so strong about Roseanne being the right person to get in the face of these world blowhards, we have decided to endorse the list of President Roseanne’s key cabinet members as it will take a concerted effort, on several fronts, to be even more obnoxious than this cast of nere-do-wells.

With “obnoxious” being the key word here, we see no other logical choice for Vice President than . . . Fran Drescher.

You can just see fear in the eyes of the world’s leading despots when they learn that President Rosanne is coming for a little chin-wag and, oh, by the way . . . she bringing Vice President Fran with her! It’s a little known fact that the Muslims only started making the “Ululululullulu” sound with their tongues when told they wouldn’t have to watch another episode of “The Nanny”!

As Secretary of State, we wholeheartedly endorse the most qualified person to nag the bejibbers out of any megalomaniac zealot . . . Joan Rivers. After all, following in the horse hooves of another famous Joan, Joan of Arc, she has never let the fact that no one was listening stop her from talking and besides who can wait to not see her in a Burka!

We are also encouraged by the fact that President Roseanne has pledged to change the office of Secretary of Defense to a far more appropriate title of Secretary of Offense, and who more offensive than . . . Rosie O’Donnell (I mean . . . duh!). Secretary Rosie could set sail in her (sorry), its, gender bending cruise ship and set them all straight (Opps, did it again) on social issues. And, besides, what Islamic zealot wouldn’t that piss off?

We can stop at this point as the Senate, well, the Senate is being led by Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and we see absolutely no real need to make a change there. So, the bottom line is that we throw our support behind this ticket (and just think about that visual) and encourage each of you to follow our lead. Considering what you’ve gotten for how you’ve voted up to this point . . . just what the hell have you got to lose, huh?

T. Michael Barclay
Asylumearthtmb.blogspot.com/
]]> Thu, 20 Sep 2012 23:24:49 CDT AsylumEarth US Polticial Satire 4 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/a-presidential-election-endorsement/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-a-vote-for-obama-is-a-vote-against-breaking-bad/
]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 02:10:56 CDT BSGossip US Polticial Satire 7 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-a-vote-for-obama-is-a-vote-against-breaking-bad/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-ready-for-war-after-watching-911-reruns-/
As Romney was getting his toenails buffed by one of his house-slaves, he scanned the TV, waiting for himself to appear standing in front of a bunch of people who "do something that makes them dirty," while promising to yank their healthcare if they lose their jobs. He also waited on pins and needles to see how he sounded rolling out his latest attack against his opponent: The claim Obama wants to remove the words "In God We Trust" from the U.S. currency. The same currency Romney collected by the millions without giving a token thought about religion or his fellow man.

But suddenly, the reality of the day sunk in. The World Trade Center was on FIRE and one of the towers was collapsing before his eyes. Romney jumped to his feet and yelled, "Eureka! This is it! The end of Obama! How could he possibly survive a national tragedy like this? This is our moment! The Republicans can wear this for a hundred years and beat the crap out of the Dems every time we mention this date 9/11! 9/11, 9/11! Jeeves! Bring me the phone!"

The butler rolled his eyes and brought Romney's phone on a silver platter. Romney set the heavy black rotary phone in his lap and frantically dialed-up his election team. He was so excited, his fingers slipped out of the holes twice, causing him to chip a fingernail, which his house-slave swooped in to fix with a pair of platinum nail-clippers and an emery board made of ground diamonds.

Romney was so thrilled and bursting with ideas, his election team, nursing massive hangovers as they try to blow through their $100,000 per diem before the campaign collapses under its own stupidity, didn't have time to think, before Romney, being the astute businessman he is, quickly put together a plan to use the attack on the World Trade Center as a way to rid Israel of that "pain in the ass" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, using all the money the US could print, and hand Iran, a country with the world's third largest oil reserves, over to America's biggest oil companies.

"We'll kill hundreds of thousands of people! We'll burn kids alive in the street! We'll smash them with our Hummers! The arms, legs, testicles and boobs of our servicemen and women will fly everywhere! I'll make billions as my "blind" trust will know every move we make and can play the oil futures like a virtuoso! And during the whole mess, we'll buy tons of stock in the company that makes Tamiflu, create an avian flu hoax, and hold a press conference telling everyone Tamiflu is the only way to cure it! Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! Israel will keep their nose clean while we hang the leader of a sovereign nation by the neck. My blood buddy, Benjamin Netanyahu, will come out smelling like a rose, while the American middle class will drown in debt and poverty when we come to collect on this disaster they'll pay for in absolute misery. We will kill 300 times more innocent people than died in the trade center attack! This is all moving so fast, let me sit down for a minute and think what we can call it. It must have a name to give it some ooomph."

Ann gave her husband a paper bag to breathe into so he wouldn't hyperventilate. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in his head. He jumped up, stood on an ornate gold-plated chair, pointed his finger in the air like a noble scholar and announced, "We will call it, Desert Storm III." Then he lowered his voice and asked Ann, "Iran is a desert, right?"

Ann looked vacuously into thin air and shrugged. Then, she became so caught up in the moment, the "suffering in her heart" she felt for the 9/11 victims was blotted out by the storm clouds of blackened evil and war. She jumped up and down like an excited schoolgirl and screeched, "Since Obama is black, can we draft him first? Like back in the sixties, when we drafted Cassius Clay?"

"I don't know who Cassius Clay is, Anney," Romney replied. "But I'll call Donald Rumsfeld, he'll think of something. He knows how to control the unknown, known, unknown, unknown know-it-alls!"

A few minutes later, you could hear Romney in the shower, chanting like a prep-school cheerleader, "9/11, 9/11, 9/11 Whatup Obama? Whatup Whatup? Whatup? 9/11! Yeeeaahhhhhhh!" Then he called out, "Does anyone know where I left my megaphone? I am going to need a megaphone." ]]> Tue, 11 Sep 2012 20:22:31 CDT TawdrySoup US Polticial Satire 58 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-ready-for-war-after-watching-911-reruns-/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/u-s-house-of-representatives-votes-to-abolish-satire/
2012

A BILL TO PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF PATENT AND TRADEMARK LAWS THROUGH THE ABOLITION OF SATIRICAL AND IRONIC REPRESENTATIONS IN ALL FORMS OF MEDIA

HEARING

BEFORE THE

SUBCOMMITTEE ON INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, COMPETITION, AND THE INTERNET,

OF THE
COMMITTEE OF THE JUDICIARY
HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

ONE HUNDRED TWELFTH CONGRESS

SECOND SESSION

SEPTEMBER 7, 2012

LAMAR DREG, Oklahoma, Chairman
CYNTHIA PRUNE, New York
EZEKIAL PARSONS, Pennsylvania
JONATHON GOELZ, Nebraska
ELIZABETH BERGMAN, Illinois
HARVEY ENTSFIELD, Hawaii
ROBERT DERGIN JR., California
EMILY POE, California
PETER FERNANDEZ, Georgia
BARBARA GREY, Delaware
HENRY GOLDMAN, Texas
LORANCE ERIE, Kansas

BRETT SPRINGFIELD, Louisiana
ALBERT ABERDEAN, Massachusetts
ALICE TORRANCE, Maryland
EMILY ALBRIGHT, Nevada
JEBIDIAH DUTCH, Utah
TINA CHU, Colorado
ERNEST BEARDSLY, New Jersey
JAVIER SUAREZ, Florida
ELANOR BROWN, Florida
EASTERN WILD TURKEY, Virginia
HARPER BRUSH 18-INCH PUSH BROOM, Arizona

WITNESSES

Mr. Clive Richardhead, President and Chief Executive Officer, The Defense of Integrity in Commerce Coalition (DICC)
Ms. Veronica Backside, President and Chief Executive Officer, Association for the Security of Honorably Operated and Licensed Engagements (ASHOLE)
Ms. Gloria Totenberg, Professor of Law, Georgetown University Law Center

MR. DREG. The Subcommittee on Intellectual Property, Competition, and the Internet will come to order.

I will recognize myself for an opening statement.

Today we begin the examination of H.R. 7235, a bill to make illegal all forms of satirical and ironic references of patented and trademarked items.

This is an important hearing on a serious subject, and I look forward to the testimony of our witnesses.

This concludes my opening remarks. I now recognize the gentleman from Virginia and the author of this bill, Mr. Turkey.

MR. TURKEY. Gobble gobble gobble. Peck peck. Gobble gobble gobble gobble? Gobble gobble!

Gobble gobble gobble gobble peck gobble. Gobble!

[Transcriber's note: at this point, Mr. Turkey stared blankly at the ceiling for three minutes before continuing.]

Gobble gobble gobble peck peck gobble. Ruffle ruffle gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble. Peck.

MR. DREG. I think Mr. Turkey did an excellent job of clarifying his position, as well as eloquently reiterating how important it is for the subcommittee to thoroughly understand the finer points of this bill.

I recognize the lady from New York, Ms. Prune.

MS. PRUNE. Thank you Mr. Chairman.

Continuing along Mr. Turkey's same vein, this subcommittee has a bill before it that would enshrine the integrity of the United States' patent and trademark laws for as long as the Union stands. We have the unprecedented opportunity to pass the gift of intellectual and property security to our children and grandchildren.

For too long have satirists stolen and altered legally protected material for their own benefit. Writers, commentators, and comedians have unlawfully integrated this material into their books, movies, television shows, and standup routines with impunity and without paying royalties.

Contrary to what the satirists may want you to believe, this wholesale intellectual bank robbery has not just been a good-natured ribbing, ladies and gentlemen of the subcommittee. These unabashed thieves have used legally protected material to make themselves rich by selling their books, DVDs, and whatnot for truly gratuitous profits.

Furthermore, they have willfully and maliciously distorted the public's perception of the integrity of countless hard working, valuable, and beneficial American corporations, affecting their profit margins in the most concrete terms, and crippling their ability to provide the products and services that provide incalculable gain to the common good.

I wholeheartedly urge the members of this subcommittee to recommend the forwarding of this bill to the House floor in its present form.

I yield to our Chairman.

MR. DREG. Thank you, Ms. Prune.

I recognize Mr. Grey from Delaware.

MR. GREY. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

I want the record to show that I absolutely agree with everything that my colleague from New York just said.

MR. DREG. Would the gentleman from Delaware yield to the gentleman from Arizona for his opening statement, or is there more that he would like to add?

MR. GREY. Certainly. I have concluded my opening statement.

MR. DREG. Thank you Mr. Grey.

I recognize the gentleman from Arizona, Mr. Push Broom.

MR. PUSH BROOM.

[Transcriber's note: Mr. Push Broom remained silent for the duration of his opening statement. He did, however, slowly slide off his chair until he hit the floor with a loud clatter.]

MR. DREG. Thank you Mr. Push Broom.

Are there any other members of the subcommittee that would like to make opening statements? No? OK. Let's get on with the witness testimony then.

Mr. Richardhead, the floor is yours.

MR. RICHARDHEAD. Thank you, Mr. Dreg.

First of all, I would like to thank the members of the subcommittee for allowing my organization to give its testimony on such an important matter. The Defense of Integrity in Commerce Coalition, or DICC…

MR. DREG. Pardon the interruption Mr. Richardhead, but for the subcommittee's clarification, does your organization spell out its acronym, or does it pronounce it as one word?

MR. RICHARDHEAD. No problem. We pronounce it as one word. We believe our organization is easier to remember that way.

MR. DREG. Thank you Mr. Richardhead.

MR. RICHARDHEAD. My pleasure, Mr. Dreg.

As I was saying, DICC is composed of a whole range of corporations from across the entirety of the business community. Our members include General Electric, AIG, McDonald's, Wal-Mart, IBM, FedEx, Apple, Nike-basically all of the largest American companies with the highest number of patents filed with the United States Patent and Trademark Office.

Our members' main concern is the infringement on their private property rights by a veritable host of satirists. These exceptionally unethical individuals have wantonly stolen from the American people. Furthermore, they have used their positions to deceive and swindle a misinformed population.

Not only do the satirists make themselves rich by refusing to pay royalties on the income they derive from using my clients' brand names, but they also do immeasurable damage to their bottom lines by assaulting their perfectly legal business practices.

I urge the members of this subcommittee to enforce this great nation's copyright laws and come to the rescue of these defenseless companies by supporting H.R. 7235. I thank you for your time, ladies and gentlemen.

MR. DREG. And thank you, Mr. Richardhead. Ms. Backside, you may present your statement to the subcommittee.

MS. BACKSIDE. Thank you, Mr. Dreg.

Good morning to everyone. My name is Veronica Backside and I am the President of the Association for the Security of Honorably Operated and Licensed Engagements, or the ASHOLE.

MR. DREG. And you pronounce every letter in your organization's name?

MS. BACKSIDE. That's right.

MR. DREG. Very well.

MS. BACKSIDE. We are a grass roots movement that seeks to protect the property rights of American businesses. We are specifically concerned with the unlawful use copyrighted material.

MR. DREG. I must ask your pardon once more Ms. Backside, but is your group affiliated with Mr. Richardhead's organization?

MS. BACKSIDE. No sir. The ASHOLE is not directly affiliated with DICC. However, we do occasionally work on similar projects. We also have a long-standing exchange program wherein we'll insert DICC members directly into the ASHOLE's operations.

MR. DREG. OK. Please continue.

MS. BACKSIDE. As I was saying, we are an association made up of thousands of concerned Americans citizens. We stage protests, conduct letter-writing campaigns, and participate in marches that further our goal of protecting American businesses from unethical practices.

MR. DREG. So you are a populist movement that seeks to protect the interests of the business sector?

MS. BACKSIDE. Business, manufacturing, and finance.

MR DREG. I see.

MS. DREG. And as the representative of all ASHOLE members across the United States, I sincerely ask the subcommittee to support H.R. 7235, and ensure that it winds up on the House floor for a vote.

MR. DREG. Thank you, Ms. Backside. We will now hear the testimony of Ms. Totenberg, a professor at Georgetown Law School, and an expert in trademark and copyright law.

MS. TOTENBURG. Uh, thank you Mr. Dreg. I'm having a little bit of a tough time comprehending exactly what's going on in this subcommittee hearing. Are you seriously considering stepping on the First Amendment rights of the American people?

MS. BACKSIDE. Not the American people! The satirists! The satirists are stepping on the Fifth Amendment Rights of businesses…

MR. DREG. Order! There will be no speaking out of turn in this hearing. Continue, Ms. Totenberg.

MS. TOTENBERG. The Fifth Amendment protects private property from government unlawful seizure. It has nothing to do with copyright infringement.

But to the point, I'm really a little speechless here. There's never been a precedent for such a blatant disregard for guaranteed constitutional freedoms. I really don't know what to say…

MR. DREG. Well, if that concludes your testimony, Ms. Totenberg, then we'll get on with subcommittee procedure. All those in favor of H.R. 7235 in its present form, please say "aye."

[Transcriber's note: 22 members of the subcommittee responded with "aye." MR. PUSHBROOM abstained.]

MR. DREG. Very well. We will report our findings to the Committee on the Judiciary. This concludes all subcommittee business for today.


CONGRESSIONAL RECORD

PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION

WASHINGTON, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 2012

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

MORNING-HOUR DEBATE

The House met at 10 a.m. and was called to order by THE SPEAKER.

THE SPEAKER. Good morning. The House is now called to order. Today we will begin the debate on H.R. 7235, A BILL TO PROTECT THE INTEGRITY OF PATENT AND TRADEMARK LAWS THROUGH THE ABOLITION OF SATIRICAL AND IRONIC REPRESENTATIONS IN ALL FORMS OF MEDIA.

Pursuant Article 12, Section 4, Clause 7 of the House floor debate bylaws, I will allocate the opening remarks of the debate to the Party as per the usual means. Is the Keeper of the Ostriches…umm Ostrich. Ostrichi?

MR. BAILY. Ostriches.

THE SPEAKER. Is the Keeper of the Ostriches present?

MR. BAILY. I am.

THE SPEAKER. Excellent. Pursuant Article 12, Section 4, Clause 7, the Keeper will release the fourteen ostriches onto the House floor on my order. The Party that captures at least eight of the ostriches-i.e. a majority-will be allocated the opening remarks. Mr. Baily?

MR. BAILY. Yes sir.

THE SPEAKER. Release the ostriches.

MR. BAILY. Very well, sir.

[Transcriber's note: Upon the release of the ostriches, the House floor was immediately obscured by a flurry of feathers and dust as the Representatives scrambled to wrestle down the animals. By the time they were all captured, the chamber was in shambles. Upturned desks, broken chairs, and bleeding, moaning Congresspersons lay strewn across the room.]

THE SPEAKER. Have all the ostriches been captured?

MR. BAILY. They have, Mr. Speaker.

THE SPEAKER. OK. Ms. Hogan, how many ostriches has your Party captured?

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). Seven, Mr. Speaker.

THE SPEAKER. Shit… And Mr. Doherty, how many ostriches has your party captured?

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). Seven as well, Mr. Spearker.

THE SPEAKER. Well, damn it all. Each party captured an equal number of ostriches.

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). What do we do now, Mr. Speaker?

[Transcriber's note: There was a slight pause while THE SPEAKER collected his thoughts.]

THE SPEAKER. I'll tell you what, the first Party to kill all its ostriches will be given the opening remarks.

[Transcriber's note: The fourteen ostriches were quickly bludgeoned to death].

THE SPEAKER. Mr. Baily.

MR. BAILY. Sir.

THE SPEAKER. Which Party killed all of its ostriches first?

MR. BAILY. No idea, sir.

THE SPEAKER. God damn everything. Fine. The first party to bring me a wood chip gets the opening remarks.

[Transcriber's note: A Representative from each Party sprinted out of the room. Several minutes passed while the other Members anxiously waited for their return. Finally, the Republican runner burst back into the chamber, followed closely by the Democrat. He raced down the aisle and slapped the wood chip down on THE SPEAKER's podium with a loud huff.]

THE SPEAKER. The Republicans get the opening remarks.

[Transcriber's note: A celebratory whoop rose from the Republican ranks].

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

I would like to begin by hearkening back to the Founding Fathers of this country. Those great, wise men-those giants upon whose shoulders we have the privilege to stand-were intimately aware of the power God's hand plays in the deliberation of any important decision. I ask God' guiding grace to help this chamber make the best possible decision in regard to the bill it has before it. So, before we being, I would like to perform a quick ritual.

[Transcriber's note: MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R) removed a Eucharistic bowl and chalice of wine from under his coat jacket and placed them on the podium.]

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). I would like to call all True Believer Republicans, regardless of their religion or beliefs, to come up to the podium and receive the grace of their one true God and Savior Jesus Christ.

[Transcriber's note: The Republican members of the House shuffled up to the podium, received the Eucharist and sacramental wine, and shuffled back to their seats. MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R) then brought out a large bucket filled with holy water, turned to the Representatives on the Democratic side of the aisle, and proceeded to douse them with its contents].

MR. DOHERTY (OHIO, R). The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Oh God, I also ask that you remove the sin and filth emanating from the Democratic members of this chamber, and that you keep the Republican True Believers safe from their corrupting ways. Protect us from their evil. Save us from the malevolence they wish to bring down upon the American people. Grant your all-saving grace to the Republican True Believers, and cast the unholy Democratic fiends out of this House during the next election cycle.

Thank you, Mr. Speaker. That concludes my opening remarks.

THE SPEAKER. Very well, Mr. Doherty. Ms. Hogan, you have the floor.

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

I have brought something along with me, something that I believe best cuts through all the rhetorical fog, and shows the American people exactly what is going on in their country.

[Transcriber's note: MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D) raised a poster of a golden retriever puppy being eaten by a king cobra.]

MS. HOGAN (SOUTH DAKOTA, D). This snake is Big Business in the United States. The puppy is the American people. The American people are being eaten alive by Big Business, but only after they were injected with the venom of unethical business practices.

This grass is the American workers' union. It has been trampled upon by the Snake of Big Business. This tree is the American economy. It's buffeted by the gale force winds of corporate corruption. This shrub is the working poor. It is slowly dying because the sunlight of education is being blocked by the economy-tree. This cloud is the evaporated dreams of the middle class. It is being blown out of existence by the corruption-wind.

As illustrated in the poster, all of this great country's ills-from its languishing education system, to its disappearing middle class, to the bleak economy-stem solely from the Big Business cobra-a cobra bred and protected by the Republican Party.

The Republicans want the puppy to die! The Republicans want all puppies to die. They hate puppies! I want every Democratic member of this House to fully understand the danger all puppies are in.

I propose that we save this puppy from the Grand Old Party, squash the evil snake under the boot of truth and righteousness, and lead the American people into a new utopian phase of sunshine, light cool breezes, and happy puppies.

This concludes my remarks, Mr. Speaker. Thank you.

MR. TURKEY (VIRGINIA, R). Gobble gobble gobble gobble!

THE SPEAKER. I would like to remind the Congressman from Virginia to please not speak out of his turn. Thank you. Mr. Carr, you have the floor.

MR. CARR (OREGON, D). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

As we all know, protecting this country's natural resources is one of the most important jobs this chamber is tasked with. I have the honor and the pleasure to have the mighty Columbia River, one of the great nation's greatest natural wonders, flow right down the middle of my district.

Unfortunately, the Columbia's waters are being threatened by massive amounts of pollution. If we do not do something to stop the degradation of this river, the effects on the region's entire ecosystem would be catastrophic.

Therefore, I propose an amendment to H.R. 7235 stipulating that federal funding be allocated to protecting the Columbia River safely behind a dam to be built in my district.

That is all, Mr. Speaker. Thank you.

THE SPEAKER. Thank you Mr. Carr. The Chair recognizes Mr. Carney from Ohio.

MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

I just want to make clear how sick I am of all this government waste. Everywhere I look, there are copious amounts of taxpayer dollars being thrown away by inept government bureaucrats! Even in this chamber, all I can see is waste, waste, waste! I was sent here by the fine people of Ohio to do something about it.

[Transcriber's note: MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R) pulled a .45 caliber revolver from his pants pocket as the other Congressmen hid in panic behind their desks].

MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R). And that's exactly what I'm going to do. We're spending gratuitous amounts of money paying this chamber's electric bill. That's money we've pulled right our of the American people's wallets. Well, this outright thievery ends today.

[Transcriber's note: MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R) shot out half of the chamber's lights, reloaded, and shot out the other half-plunging the room into darkness].

MR. CARNEY (OHIO, R). I can go home tonight knowing that I've done my duty.

Thank you, Mr. Speaker. That concludes my remarks.

THE SPEAKER. Thank you, Mr. Carney. The Chair now recognizes the gentlewoman from Idaho.

[Transcriber's note: MS. PRUDENCE (IDAHO, I) turned on a flashlight and carefully picked her way to the podium over the upturned desks and dead animals that littered the floor.]

MS. PRUDENCE (IDAHO, I). Thank you, Mr. Speaker.

What are we doing? Truly. What are we doing? Has this House lost sight of its mission? Have we become so caught up in partisan politics that we forgot our constitutionally mandated duties to the American people?

I wish to remind the members of this chamber that the reason we have gathered today is not to score petty points against the opposing party, or blindly follow arcane, pointlessly bureaucratic rules. We are here to debate and vote upon legislation that has real implications on the lives of our constituents. I motion that we stop the theatre, quit grandstanding, and actually get to down the business that the American people placed us here to do. Can we please just get started on the actual debate of this bill?

Thank you.

THE SPEAKER. Ah yes, the debate. Does any Congressperson have something substantive to say about the bill before the House?

[Transcriber's note: Only the sound of MR. MERRICK (VERMONT, D) tripping over a dead ostrich disturbed the chamber's silence.]

THE SPEAKER. Right. Would any member like to place a motion for the bill to be put to a vote?

MR. TURKEY (VIRGINIA, R). Gobble! Peck! Gobble!

MR. LEVINE (NEVADA, D). Seconded.

THE SPEAKER. H.R. 7235 is now up to a vote.

[Transcriber's note: H.R. 7235 passed by a vote of 433 yeas, 1 nay (MS. PRUDENCE (IDAHO, I)), and 1 abstention (MR. PUSH BROOM (ARIZONA, R)).]

THE SPEAKER. H.R. 7235 has passed. Satire is now illegal in the United States. Have a good weekend everybody. ]]> Thu, 06 Sep 2012 00:15:17 CDT BobbyDFoster US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/u-s-house-of-representatives-votes-to-abolish-satire/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/clint-eastwood%E2%80%99s-imaginary-friend-returns-at-republican-convention/ Mon, 03 Sep 2012 01:17:26 CDT BSGossip US Polticial Satire 5 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/clint-eastwood%E2%80%99s-imaginary-friend-returns-at-republican-convention/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/u-s-congressional-approval-falls-below-0%C2%A0%7C%C2%A0glossynews-com/ Thu, 30 Aug 2012 23:18:33 CDT BobbyDFoster US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/u-s-congressional-approval-falls-below-0%C2%A0%7C%C2%A0glossynews-com/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/republican-rnc-satire-art-with-paul-ryan-selling-baloney-at-the-rnc--youtube/ Fri, 24 Aug 2012 14:04:14 CDT RonKeas US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/republican-rnc-satire-art-with-paul-ryan-selling-baloney-at-the-rnc--youtube/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/ryan-selling-100-baloney-at-the-rnc-1/ Sun, 19 Aug 2012 18:38:56 CDT RonKeas US Polticial Satire 5 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/ryan-selling-100-baloney-at-the-rnc-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/my-kingdom-for-a-king-1/ No, I’m not talking about electing Gary Johnson. Be realistic. I’m talking about doing the sensible thing and establishing an American monarchy.
It’s not as strange as it sounds. Look how excited everyone was recently about the Diamond Jubilee of a foreign monarch – a descendant of the king we revolted against! Barry, Mittens, step aside. You can’t unify America, but a dignified old lady with some lovely jewelry and a clutch of impractical dogs? We’d follow her to hell and back. For a country clearly so tired of elections and unable to choose anything except a flavor of milkshake, a monarchy makes sense. After a decade of war, recession, and Europeans no longer even pretending to like us, Americans justifiably want to crawl into a big national lap and have someone else fix it while we cry and eat rice pudding. There’s too many of us for group therapy, so it’ll have to be a king.
We’re already halfway there. When presidents overstep their authority, it sends us to the liquor cabinet instead of the barricades. Authoritarianism makes us tired, not angry. We’ve made the veneration of strangers an art – we already follow the minutest details of the Kardashians’ lives the way Britons used to devour the Court Circular; why not drape one of them in ermine and call her Your Majesty? Or, if we decided to be history-minded, we could marry a Jefferson descendant to one of those leftover Roosevelts and have a ready-made dynasty. (This option also raises the pleasing prospect of getting to behead a Kennedy as a pretender to the throne.) Which would you rather have: an earnest conversation about whether a Hispanic running mate for Romney would “balance” the Republican ticket, or a ribald debate over which princess looks the mostly likely to produce healthy male heirs? Wide-hipped women would finally have a flattering way to describe their body type on dating websites: “shaped like royalty.” And if our royal family aggressively married into others around the world, our ruling house might start inheriting other kingdoms. Imagine this gem crawling across the bottom of CNN: “His Royal Highness, Leroy of Jefferson-Roosevelt-Vanderbilt-Hilton, King of America and Sultan of Oman.” We’d also be free of the threat of future “birther” controversies: the tradition of having royal births observed by members of the government and court would placate everyone except those bitter at having a seat with a poor view of the twat royal.
Worried about fairness? Don’t be. Our Constitution is already so liberally covered with metaphorical correction fluid that it would be a moment’s work to slide in the clause, “The office of King of the United States shall not be restricted with respect to race, creed, color, national origin, age, sex, gender, sexual orientation, gender expression, disability, veteran status, family status, or competence.” Tired of the “boring white guys” that dominate American politics? Monarchy gives us a way out. All we’d have to do to get exciting royalty like crazy Carlos “the Accursed” of Spain or the sexy and murderous Joanna of Naples is marry a single lunatic into the royal line and then watch heredity work in eccentric ways, its psychoses to perform. With enough inbreeding, the genes that make a compulsive hand-washer today could flower into a second Nero in less than a century.
Even an unpopular monarch would do us good. A common enemy unites people; our problem now is that enemies are too common. Obama, Bush, Congress, the Supreme Court, voters, Super PACs, Republicans, Democrats, immigrants, the media, France: there are so many potential villains that we can’t focus our indignation on a single one. Think about what would happen if we had a truly national scapegoat, a Carter-Dubya hybrid in Tyrian purple. We could blame him for every problem and then make progress toward solving them. The increasingly silly dialogue about “the direction and vision of the country” could be replaced by a lot of quieter, and ultimately more effective, grumbling about having to tidy up “yet another of His Majesty’s clusterfucks.”
If none of the above convinces you, let me add one more point. Where there are kings, there are nobles. Think of all the fun we’d have yelling at each other about how to create a freedom-enhancing, equal-opportunity peerage. (Titles would, of course, be subject to inheritance tax, so a duke’s son would be an earl, an earl’s son a baron, and a baron’s son is plain old Tim.) And just imagine the television event of the century: the investiture of Her Grace, Duchess Oprah of Chicago. Everyone in the studio audience, as a special prize, gets to be her vassal.
]]> Mon, 06 Aug 2012 06:34:44 CDT ChrisTN US Polticial Satire 4 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/my-kingdom-for-a-king-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/america-youve-had-a-kenyan-now-have-a-brit-1/
Poor old Mitt Romney on his visit to the United Kingdom is now trying to play up his British heritage, claiming to be 'a guy from Great Britain', married to a 'girl from Wales'. All of this, of course, follows on from his supposed 'gaffs' about Britain being ready for the olympics, which recently caused both the British prime Minister and the Major of London to have a bit of a go at him in public.

Poor guy, he was only answering some dumb interview question that were nothing to do with his job, and he didn't really say anything bad. He just didn't realise that we Brits love to moan. Its our favourite hobby really. So it was innivitable there would be some negative stories coming out of the British press in the run up to the olympics. But just because we love going on about how rubbish we are, doesn't mean we'll take it when someone else says so. ]]> Fri, 27 Jul 2012 06:49:46 CDT TheDailyShadow US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/america-youve-had-a-kenyan-now-have-a-brit-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-stricken-with-a-case-of-scalia-after-hearing-healthcare-ruling/
Before keeling over into a bowl of grits, Mr. Romney was telling guests at his five-million-dollar-a-plate lunch: “With waiting rooms as crowded as they are for us now, this bill is guaranteed to double the time we spend at our doctor’s office. Now, my friends, no one’s more motivated to secure government medical coverage for myself, and my extended family, than I am. And once I get it, I’ll be able to honestly say I’ll worked for it. Worked every walnut-paneled dining room in every respectable club in America. And that’s how you make it in America. Run! Work! And when you’re not doing either of those things, work it off running, like I’ve been doing! Just look at all the other people out there who are running twenty-four seven and in fifty places at once. Follow their lead. Just because they’re corporations, and it may be ‘things’ they’re running, just the same, they’re really like you, they’re people. I’m sorry folks. You’ll have to excuse me but I’m feeling this attack of scalia coming on. It’s happened on and off, and on and off throughout this campaign. I’ve got to go. My wife’s horsing around, if you know what I mean. Horse prancing. Remember, the answer my friends is to run, and keep running.” ]]> Sat, 30 Jun 2012 12:47:43 CDT Barrywilldorf US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/romney-stricken-with-a-case-of-scalia-after-hearing-healthcare-ruling/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funny-mitt-romney-t-shirts-more/ Tue, 19 Jun 2012 11:02:21 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funny-mitt-romney-t-shirts-more/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/politically-incorrect-fun-comedy-satire-laughs-jokes-right-wing/ Sun, 17 Jun 2012 23:02:01 CDT mdunn109 US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/politically-incorrect-fun-comedy-satire-laughs-jokes-right-wing/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funny-obama-t-shirts/ Fri, 15 Jun 2012 08:38:08 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/funny-obama-t-shirts/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-private-sector-is-doing-fine-lol-/ Political Meme Generator subdomain. If you don't think its funny, then head over and make a better one yourself! (and then share it on the main site). ]]> Thu, 14 Jun 2012 10:35:53 CDT Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-private-sector-is-doing-fine-lol-/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/a-day-with-mitt-romney/
We joined him at the table, and he gave us a very cheerful greeting. He made small talk with us about our trip, but I was distracted by the shining glimmer of his bizarre cereal. It was later confirmed to us that he enjoys a bowl of gold flakes before each campaign stump speech.

The remainder of his daily morning routine involves the aggressive hedging of funds to retired business partners. He also transfers newly generated US income into offshore banks for investment purposes. For the average American citizen, this process is hard to comprehend, but it basically involves Romney sweating heavily over a computer, furiously clicking on a series of professional looking graphics for 20 to 30 minutes.

It seemed like something wasn't right visually with Romney all morning, and I eventually realized that his hair was disheveled, some of it draped over his forehead. We followed him into his bathroom and asked what product he uses for his trademark "slicked back" hairstyle that is sure to be popularized among youngsters if he becomes president.

"A lot of people don't know this," said Romney, "but it's just good ol' fashioned 'middle age grease'! You can actaly slick back your hair with what your body naturally produces -- I just rinse it out with pure, simple water beforehand."

He then stood over a vat that contained a questionable green substance that didn't actually look like water at all. He dunked his hair into the green and used a gold-tooth comb to put the finishing touches on.

His campaign stop of the day was to be televised on several major news networks. As his crew was preparing to leave, he emphasized to us the importance of claiming to disagree with President Obama, while emphasizing the importance of massive government spending experiments. He believes that these two points will help lead him to victory in November. ]]> Tue, 05 Jun 2012 14:31:12 CDT almostnews US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/a-day-with-mitt-romney/