http://thedailysatire.com Funny Spoof News, Social Satire, And Political Cartoons Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:21:34 CST en http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newts-grandiose-thoughts/ Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:21:34 CST mimidee US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newts-grandiose-thoughts/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/critics-slam-obama-for-just-standing-there-during-photo-op-1/ Sun, 22 Jan 2012 03:19:39 CST TheDailyShadow US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/critics-slam-obama-for-just-standing-there-during-photo-op-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/-column-santorum-evades-fire-and-brimstone-for-now-but-faces-christs-wrath-in-a-lawsuit-1/


Editor’s Note: When I couldn’t nail Jesus Christ down for an interview about his lawsuit, I asked him to provide commentary . On Monday, Jesus Christ filed a lawsuit against “Jesus Candidate”, Rick Santorum, citing, “…fraudulent impersonation with intent to gain power over the feeble minded citizens of the kingdom known as the United States of America…”. Below is Christ's submission.


My Brothers and Sisters:

By now you know that circumstances have forced me to engage in a legal battle with Rick Santorum.

The self-anointed Jesus Candidate is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and, like the wolf, preys on the weakest and most vulnerable. Thirty thousand citizens of the land of Iowa have become apostles of this interloper and, in my name, are spewing his vile word. I have no anger toward our Iowa brothers and sisters. They are poor dirt farmers who don’t have the brains God bestowed upon soy beans. My wrath is directed at the impostor and, with God’s reluctant blessing, I am taking this action.

The Jesus Candidate has vowed to use every weapon in his arsenal to nurture his fixation with the mating of every man and beast in your kingdom. Whether it be Sue with Timmy, Sue with Carol, or Timmy with Lassie, Santorum will be there as a witness and eager participant.

The Jesus Candidate has decreed that he will be “Guardian of the Womb” and will demand that each and every womb be filled, even if he must provide the seed from his solitary stone..

Furthermore, the “Jesus Candidate” will withhold lifesaving elixirs from those children not privileged to be born to fair skinned parents named Hansen, Jensen, Anderson and others like them.

As if all of these atrocities weren’t enough the Jesus candidate presented himself in a knit sweater vest that neither the lowliest thief, the most brutal murderer nor the investment banker would use to wipe the dung from his asshole.

Filing a lawsuit was not my first choice. To the contrary, I appealed to our Father to use the more conventional method of disposing of Rick Santorum. I implored Him to pull some strings to have Rick Santorum moved to the front of the waiting list for his entry into Hell.

Our Father refused and delivered one of His lectures about how I should turn the other cheek and trust in Him. It was the same as the other 5000 times. Clad in His gaping robe, leather thongs with black socks and a pipe dangling from His mouth, God repeated the same words that He has uttered since the year 9.

“Jesus Henri, my boy. Why can’t you be more like Job?”

It gives Him immense pleasure to remind me of the unquestioningly faithful Job who, without so much as a, “Why don’t you just shoot me, you sick Fuck?” watched as his herds and his children were slain and he was left with nothing but the festering sores that soon covered his body.

I vigorously protested that I am not Job and besides there are times that even the Son of God cannot turn the other cheek and that there must be something, anything I can do to stop Santorum from fulfilling his aberrant prophecies.

Then… enlightenment! I remembered the compromise Dad and Job reached about the sores.

God knew that self-flagellation was one of Job’s few pleasures so when it came time for Job’s body to be covered in sores, God let him do it himself.

The Old Man couldn’t argue with that logic and, after much deliberation, we decided to pursue a lawsuit. This is the path that citizens of your kingdom take to avenge everything from the smallest slights to the most heinous of violence.

Brothers and sisters, thank you for the gift of your time. I close with these last words. His, of course.

“Jesus Henri, my boy. The faithful have reaped great benefits from even the vilest specimens of my creation. Through Rick Santorum I have given my faithful servants a never-ending source of laughter. Even the teeth gnashing wailers will get a temporary reprieve from their eternal sorrows”.


Jesus H. Christ, political activist and motivational speaker, lives with his extended family in a high-end gated community.



]]> Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:51:49 CST bobo US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/-column-santorum-evades-fire-and-brimstone-for-now-but-faces-christs-wrath-in-a-lawsuit-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/politics/top-20-funny-warning-signs--political-promises-1/ Funny Lists' blog post of the top 20 funniest ever warning signs, so head on over there for the full list, but I thought this one was such a perfect fit for our political satire category that I would just have to post it here too! ]]> Tue, 10 Jan 2012 08:01:33 CST admin Political Satire 1 http://thedailysatire.com/politics/top-20-funny-warning-signs--political-promises-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/arne-duncan-axes-mississippi-and-louisiana-fourth-grade-reading-proficiency-soars/
At yesterday’s press conference in the white house’s south auditorium, Duncan announced that he had expelled Louisiana and Mississippi from the union. Duncan’s move, coming in the wake of dire fourth grade reading results, boosted the nation’s overall reading proficiency from 30% to 90%.

“I would like to thank those who showed faith in me as I single-handedly raised our country’s reading proficiency to its highest level ever. Your faith inspired me to succeed where unfunded mandates, feel good initiatives, and Hurricane Katrina all failed”.

Jeffrey Hosher of Fox News asked Duncan if he would address criticism that he acted in haste by not giving the Son of God an opportunity to perfect his hurricane skills.

Duncan said “Son, the simple truth is that poor kids cannot be taught to read because they are cognitively deficient. Over 90% of the children in Mississippi and Louisiana live in filthy hopeless poverty and their fathers, the few who actually stick around long enough to knock mommy up for the 10th time, are stick legged alcoholics with distended livers and bulbous noses who thankfully die before they’re 30. My detractors, bless their hearts, would have preferred that we kick the proverbial dead horse and sink billions into initiatives that have never and will never work in Mississippi or Louisiana”.

Duncan continued “It seems that my esteemed detractors didn’t know we were surpassed in reading by Australia. Yes, you heard right. Fucking Australia”. And get this. We were only three percentage points above the mother fucking Isle of Crete”. He added, “My respected detractors would have me sit on my butt hoping and praying that the next big one will actually hit at 30 degrees North Latitude”.

ABC Foreign Correspondent Christiane Amanpour said, “Ninety six percent of Louisiana residents and ninety seven percent of Mississippians rely on public assistance for basic needs and now that these states have been severed residents will not have access to medical care, food or clean water. Young children and the elderly will be the most severely affected with hundreds of thousands dying from everyday diseases, like the common cold while competition for food will escalate to violence. Chaos will rule until a group of militant extremists takes over and enslaves the rest. They will commandeer the food sources and weapons and those who don’t die by random executions will suffer slow agonizing deaths from starvation. Does this bother you, Mr. Duncan?”

“No”.

After the conference, Duncan graciously gave me a moment of his time to answer a question. I asked why he didn’t expel Texas, also.

“Picture for a moment how United States citizens would react if they couldn’t watch the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders do that pretzel move or their pole dancing routine. That’s the closest many guys come to scoring anything. The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are a symbol of what all of our little girls can aspire to”.
]]> Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:46:33 CST bobo US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/arne-duncan-axes-mississippi-and-louisiana-fourth-grade-reading-proficiency-soars/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/-its-a-race-to-the-base-newt-%E2%80%9Ci%E2%80%99ll-change-white-house-bathroom-policies%E2%80%9D/
To a man, or woman, as the case may be, each of the other candidates lambasted Grinch for his liberal, socialist and progressive bias. “Only half?” the other thirty-seven candidates screamed, taking issue with Grinch’s “policy of half measures” regarding the racial conundrum that is our current president.

“Whatever happened to the tried and true traditional rule that if you’re any part black, you’re all black,” Grinch’s major challenger, Mitt Rumbly asked pointedly. “Are you calling for a radical change in our racial stereotyping? Next you’ll be saying is that I’m almost Christian.”

“You either are or you aren’t,” Rick Ferry injected. “When it comes to Christ, I for one accept no substitutes.”

No to be outdone, Michele Botchmann chimed in, “As our founding father, Martha Washington said, ‘Amen to that.’”

Taking advantage of a nearby soft focus Fox News camera, Grinch growled, “If President Al O’bama, or whatever the Kenyan branch of Al Qaeda is calling their Muslim brother these days, had just learned to clean bathrooms instead of going to that ritzy Hawaiian surf bum school, this great country of ours wouldn’t be in the fix we’re in now. You send them to school, they just learn to steal.” Pointing a finger at Rumbly, his major rival for the GOP nomination, Grinch clarified. “That’s how we ended up with your socialist health care plan!”

“Listen,” Rumbly shot back, “that plan was supposed to fail. How the hell did I know that people would like it or that it would work? I made my money laying off people, not running a business for them. And that’s exactly what I promise to do for America when I’m elected.” ]]> Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:14:49 CST Barrywilldorf US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/-its-a-race-to-the-base-newt-%E2%80%9Ci%E2%80%99ll-change-white-house-bathroom-policies%E2%80%9D/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/an-open-letter-to-newt-gingrich-and-93-senators-1/
Those who strive to gain the favor of such politicians as you are accustomed to come before them with such things that they hold precious. As a current citizen of the United States, I’m afraid that I do not have much to spare when it comes to monetary restitution for your fine efforts, so instead I give to you the knowledge acquired by a brief study of literature and, also, your recent actions.

Before I humble myself to give any advice to such distinguished patricians as yourselves, you’ll forgive me if I elucidate the reason that I have dedicated this letter specifically to Mr. Gingrich. In a recent Republican National Security Debate when asked about the Patriot Act, the former House speaker said:
“The key distinction for the American people to recognize is the difference between national security requirements and criminal law requirements. I think it’s desperately important that we preserve your right to be innocent until proven guilty—if it’s a matter of criminal law—but if you’re trying to find somebody who may have a nuclear weapon that they are trying to bring in to an American city, I think you want to use every tool that you can possibly use to gather the intelligence.”

This statement, I think, shows that our former Speaker cum Presidential Candidate, has his finger securely on the pulse of the vibrant and youthful heartbeat of the American Senate, and so it is to him, along with those esteemed Senators who passed S. 1867—what is being called by the “liberal elite” at the so-called American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), a bill that was “drafted in secret” that will allow U.S. military forces “to imprison civilians without charge or trial”—to whom I dedicate this letter.

Now, I understand that the congress of the United States has been receiving a diminutive amount of criticism regarding The National Defense Authorization Act and its amendments. One discredited organization—I believe it calls itself “Gallup”—was even brazen enough to publish a piece of doggerel with the headline “Congress’ Job Approval Rating Worst in Gallup History.” Let’s be honest though, that the majority of the American people are quite fond of the Bill of Rights is immaterial—what if they’re wrong?

Luckily though, Senators such as the most distinguished Lindsey Graham (R-SC) are among your number to set an example of how the American people wish their representatives to behave. Mr. Graham has shown his superior judgment to that of the constitution in saying "If you’re an American citizen and you betray your country, you’re not going to be given a lawyer." Does it matter that Article III, Section III of the United States Constitution says “No Person shall be convicted of Treason unless on the Testimony of two Witnesses to the same overt Act, or on Confession in open Court”? No, because while the American people are all equal, some are more equal—and more able to make decisions regarding those less equal.

Now that the state of affairs according to Nature’s laws—that some are more equal than others—has been briefly reviewed, I’d like to examine the language of The National Defense Authorization Act. Fearmonger Glenn Greenwald at www.salon.com says that the bill “unquestionably permits (but does not mandate) that even U.S. citizens on U.S. soil accused of Terrorism be held by the military rather than charged in the civilian court system.”
It is the “but does not mandate” section about which I’m concerned. The bill in section 1032 states that “The requirement to detain a person in military custody under this section does not extend to citizens of the United States.” My frank response, dear Senators, is: Why the hell not?

Now some may assert that it’s not my place to criticize you Senators—and luckily it appears that my right to do so may be gone very soon—but allowing military officials to use discretion when it comes to ignoring the Constitutional rights of Americans?

In his celebrated novel on the subject, George Orwell has his characters in Animal Farm phrase our situation like this: “[we] would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?” Though it belabors the point I must add, how can you let those enforcing your laws make decisions regarding them?
It seems to me that the ability to detain citizens without trial or charges is needed because what passes for “justice”—right to an attorney, habeas corpus, trial by jury, the right not to be tortured, etc.—is clearly not working. Since Congress seems to contain the only people intelligent to recognize this, how on Earth do you expect a military official’s judgment to serve in the matter?

The purpose in writing to you dear Senators, and Newt too, is not to criticize you for going to far—as the all the banal and freedom-hating civil liberties radicals have done—but to criticize you for not going far enough.

I’ll give credit where credit’s due, however. You’ve done well to expand the use of military force and military detention to include not just those involved in the 9/11 attacks and those who substantially support Al Qaeda, the Taliban, but also those who substantially support “associated forces,” a definition into which almost anyone can be pigeonholed.

We are in a war, damn it, and while you’ve done a good job expanding the definition of that war and its combatants to fit whomever you choose, not requiring the stripping of rights of simple, American citizens is ridiculous. How else will Americans realize that some of us are more equal, and how else will terrorists realize that they’re no longer attacking a nation that preserves freedoms?

Respectfully Yours,
Adam
]]> Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:08:42 CST Ardor US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/an-open-letter-to-newt-gingrich-and-93-senators-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newt-gingrich-caught-running-for-leader-of-north-korea/ PENNSYLVANIA – Republican presidential nominee Newt Gingrich is reported to have cheated on the United States after being found attempting to run for leader of North Korea.

Gingrich is accused of straying from his commitment to becoming US president in an attempt to become leader of the “younger and tighter” communist state despite being in a previously monogamous relationship with his 2012 presidential campaign.

The revelation will again raise questions over his ability to commit to a single political campaign.

‘I did it because I love America’

It is not the first time Gingrich as faced allegations of infidelity.  In October he was rumored to have attempted a “more exotic” run for Bolivian president when his own US presidential campaign appeared to be dying.

“This is shameful,” said former vice-president candidate Sarah Palin who noted that “our allies” in North Korea have only just lost their leader “and Newt is already trying to move in.”

“What does he see in them anyway? I bet they don’t even allow unlimited campaign donations over there.”

Former front-runner Herman Cain was just as upset over the news, arguing that “I can tell this man is incapable of staying faithful to one leadership campaign.”

The news has forced Newt Gingrich to publicly address his indiscretions in an emotional press conference.  Speaking with his campaign manager by his side,  he explained that he had inquired about the about the leadership position “in a moment of weakness”.

“Yes I looked into it [becoming leader of North Korea],” he admitted.  “I’m not perfect, but that affair is over.”

He insisted he was “fully committed to running for president of this country and this country only,” and pledged to uphold the institution of president through fidelity to the oval office.

“I am a one campaign man,” he added, vowing to “not even look at another office of leadership if I become president of the United States.”

Cheating

Political commentators have suggested this could be the end of his chances of a stable relationship with the United States.

“Oh it is so over,” raged political anchor Keith  Olbermann. 

“The American people don’t want a president that can’t commit.”

“What if he becomes president and flies to Europe?  There are like 27 countries he could be president of over there.”

“How do we know he won’t run for Prime Minster of Britain behind our backs, huh?”

Related Stories:
Herman Cain Quits Presidential Race To Spend More Time Making Families
]]> Wed, 21 Dec 2011 08:01:09 CST admin US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/newt-gingrich-caught-running-for-leader-of-north-korea/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/rick-perry-weak-strong-parody/ Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:55:00 CST Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/rick-perry-weak-strong-parody/ http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/george-osborne%E2%80%99s-growth-plans-to-focus-on-creating-more-clips-of-fenton-the-dog/
After learning that the owner of the YouTube clip featuring Fenton the dog is now making a significant amount of money from adverts on the site, Osborne claimed it was an even easier way printing money than quantitative easing.

A Whitehall insider told us, “He laughed at the distraught dog owner, much like everyone else, but his interest was piqued when someone pointed out that YouTube were now paying the owner of the clip for the millions of views it generated.”

“Especially when someone said that making something like this official government economic policy could also technically be classified as him supporting ‘the arts’.”

Fenton paid

A formal policy statement is expected within days, and coalition think-tanks are currently formulating strategies to maximise returns from frustrated citizens caught on camera.

A source close to the Chancellor told us, “The plans are developing nicely, and we’re confident this could be a real vote-winner.”

“If we could just get the unemployed to film things with their phones, and then ask all the people with jobs to watch them on YouTube, we could probably do away with benefits altogether.”



]]> Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:28:15 CST Imp UK Political Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/george-osborne%E2%80%99s-growth-plans-to-focus-on-creating-more-clips-of-fenton-the-dog/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-gaps-in-my-resume/
After graduating from our mutual alma matter (Go Corgi’s!) and accepting a position at a dot com, I became one of the victims when the Internet bubble burst and my company was, as the Wall Street Journal so cruelly wrote, “put out of its misery.” Because so much of my pay came in falling stock and worthless options, I soon had to swallow my pride -- along with a few too many pills -- and moved back in with my parents.

I decided to use that time to help broaden my skills, taking advantage of some video opportunities to increase my ability to comprehend Spanish. When Comcast removed Univision from basic cable, I decided that manana (tomorrow) had come and it was time to trabajar (work) by contacting some old colleagues. One of them had managed to secure several crates of the hot new toy for that year, Tickle Me Elmo, and we did very well. He took the money and ran. I took it and learned a valuable lesson, that not all plush creatures are created equal. I squandered my small Elmo fortune on an effort to create a series of dolls based on members of the Bush administration. In retrospect I can see why no one would want to cuddle with a Ken Mehlman doll, no matter how soft.

I worked as a temp for awhile, then took that road trip that every young person dreams of. A month watching real wolves in Alaska turned out to the perfect preparation for a job at Lehman Brothers where I was promoted twice. The HR report categorizes the second one as a clerical error, but as you know they were not very diligent about keeping records at Lehman and there’s nobody to ask now anyway.

Alas, as the financial crisis really started picking up steam my position was once again made redundant. I was one of those brave souls marching home with nothing but a cardboard box filled with gilded corporate mementos and stolen pens to remind them of the good times.

To be honest I don’t really remember the next year. The kids these days all clamor for a Gap Year so let’s just say that mine came a bit later than most. But the year after that I decided to focus on opportunities in the growing health care industry. Those months as a medical transcriptionist back in my parents’ basement will some day prove invaluable.

Then came my 15 minutes of fame. Long before anybody thought about occupying Wall Street, I conducted an Orwellian experiment by inhabiting the many outdoor spaces in this urban jungle of ours. I lived off the land. And not in a fancy shed like during the Great Depression. No sir. I had to move from monument to monument. As it turns out, quite enjoy sleeping next to monuments.

I became something of a local celebrity after the video of my arrest for snuggling with the Charging Bull sculpture went viral, and soon found myself called in to audition for a reality TV pilot -- Extreme Makeover, the Homeless Edition.

Finally, I was sleeping in a real bed, with amazing views of the Hudson River. After a particularly rough day, I went out for drinks at the urging of producers. Next thing I know I’m being dragged to safety onto the Hoboken ferry. Of course the entire thing was captured on tape. The footage was not kind. Those commuters didn’t so much as budge when I flopped on board. I luckily found a bus driver who took me home. At least I think it was a bus, it might have been a skateboard tied to a van. Either way, the producers were there, waiting with my things. Once again, I needed a job.
I had a meeting with a headhunter after being kicked off the show but found out how hard it is to get a job when you’re known in the media as “the naked commuter.”

I’m looking forward to using my varied experiences to help grow your business. I’d be happy to provide references. Just let me know which ones you plan to contact so I can give you the name they know me by.
]]> Mon, 28 Nov 2011 13:23:40 CST caithall US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-gaps-in-my-resume/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/rick-santorum-informs-des-moines-first-graders-that-classmate-gino-demario-is-deformed-/
We arrived as Santorum and the children were returning from recess. The excited children filed to their seats as they chattered about how Mr. Santorum’s nailed three kids “right in the head” during dodge ball.

Miss Hess directed the children to quiet down so that the last two children could present their projects. These projects, done in honor of Santorum’s visit, depicted important events in the children’s lives.

Ben Mason displayed a poster sized photograph of the buck his dad had shot. Sliced open from pelvis to sternum, the deer hung lifelessly from on old Oak tree, its leaking entrails glistening in the sun. “I gutted it with my twelve-inch Swiss Army knife”, announced Ben as he gleefully pointed to the parts that were the most fun to slice. The graphic photo, blown up to poster size, drew mixed reactions from the students. Kacey Prindle rushed from the room and could be heard retching in the hallway. Carlos wanted to know if there was any poop in the intestines. That drew a laugh from the boys, and eye rolls from the girls. Lauren Meister informed the boys that the picture was disgusting and that hunting was wrong.

Mr. Santorum interjected, “Ben’s family has exercised its God given right to bear arms. Any murderer from the housing projects, not necessarily DeShawns’ father of course, could wait under your beds to slice you open. How will your parents protect you? Do YOU want to end up like that buck?” Twenty five first graders shook their heads in unison.

Lucy Bellows showed a collage of the 2010 flooding in Des Moines. Photographs showed mobile homes sailing down Interstate 80, trains plunging into the Des Moines River, and the utter desolation on the faces of those who had lost everything. Miss Hess invited Lucy to share her feelings about the flooding. “I was very scared that my mom would get sucked into a sewer hole and no one would take care of me”. Joey Hildegarde lamented that he had to live in a poisonous FEMA trailer and it really sucked for him because he had to share a bedroom with his sister. A tearful Shannon McNerney recalled how Chuck E. Cheese’s flooded so she couldn’t have her birthday party there.

Gino DeMario shyly recounted how his two daddies lost their bistro when the Des Moines River flooded.

Santorum abruptly rose to his feet. “Gino, it’s because of your two daddies and other homos like them that Iowa has floods”. Santorum explained that the floods were God’s way of punishing Iowans for gay marriage and for the unnatural ways that gays “or fags, or homos, or fairies, or whatever you want to call them” get babies. Pointing at the cowering six-year old, Santorum said, “Gino here was created by some crackpot in a lab and then forced to live with two deviants because no one else would take him”. Santorum then instructed the children to look closely at Gino’s head and notice that it had a caved-in look from “being compressed in a tiny glass tube for nine months”. “Because of perverts like Gino’s two daddies, Iowa floods will get worse”. He added, “Next time, all of your parents will get swept away, and you won’t see them again until their headless, half-eaten bodies wash ashore in the Gulf of Mexico”.

Sobs, wailing, and shrieks for mommy and daddy ensued, but with some deep breathing exercises and bags of Very Berry Skittles, the children calmed down and were soon firing questions at the adults.

“Is the stork a homo?”, “Is the tooth fairy actually my father?”, “Is the mailman a pervert?”, “Is my head smashed in like Gino’s?”, and so on.

Wringing her hands, Miss Hess said, “They’re hopelessly confused and I’ll be getting some angry phone calls tonight”.

Mr. Santorum suggested to Miss Hess that they demonstrate for the children how God loving people created babies.

The kids sang the “Hokey Pokey” as Miss Hess formed a circle with her thumb and forefinger, and Mr. Santorum used his own forefinger to go in and out, in and out, in and out.

All too soon it was time for Santorum to leave. The children thanked him and promised not to fags, homos, or fairies or whatever we want to call them”.



]]> Sun, 27 Nov 2011 16:36:36 CST bobo US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/rick-santorum-informs-des-moines-first-graders-that-classmate-gino-demario-is-deformed-/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/mitt-romney-profile-and-breaking-news-1/
On the page you will find the latest breaking news stories about the man himself, as well as a profile written by me, and links to the latest satire stories about him and about the 2012 election in general. ]]> Fri, 25 Nov 2011 12:45:46 CST Apocalection US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/mitt-romney-profile-and-breaking-news-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/introducing-counting-rick-perry-%7C-video-gone-viral/
There has of course been lots of great satire across the net mocking him for this, including the Rick Perry counting meme - here are three of my favourites and a link to where you can find more. ]]> Fri, 11 Nov 2011 09:06:06 CST TheDailyShadow US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/introducing-counting-rick-perry-%7C-video-gone-viral/ http://thedailysatire.com/politics/i-am-writing-on-some-paper-%7C-sarcasm-addict/ Fri, 28 Oct 2011 08:50:03 CDT admin Political Satire 1 http://thedailysatire.com/politics/i-am-writing-on-some-paper-%7C-sarcasm-addict/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/shit-herman-cain-says-1/
If the picture wasn't enough to wet your appetite, here is another quote for you:

"Don’t try to pass a 2,700-page bill. You and I didn’t have time to read it. We’re too busy trying to live — send our kids to school. That’s why I am only going to allow small bills — three pages. You’ll have time to read that one over the dinner table." ]]> Sun, 23 Oct 2011 05:20:31 CDT TheDailyShadow US Polticial Satire 2 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/shit-herman-cain-says-1/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/republican-debate-takes-an-unsual-twist/ Thu, 20 Oct 2011 20:53:58 CDT dbarron US Polticial Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/republican-debate-takes-an-unsual-twist/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-anarchists-manifesto-or-whatever--/ By Gregg SAPP

Today, the public approval ratings of the U.S. President and Congress are so low that they probably couldn’t sink any lower, even if the whole gang of them got caught, butt naked and streaked with glow paint, dancing in a steamy group sex Conga line under the black-lit Capitol Rotunda, while a YouTube video of the event, which was backed by the soundtrack music from the “Theme from Shaft,” was personally sent via email attachment, marked URGENT, to everybody under the age of 18 in the entire world. A few people might shrug off this behavior because, at least, they’re finally getting something done. But everybody else would just have one more reason to continue despising the whole bunch of them.

The problem with our national politicians is not just that they lie, equivocate, dissimulate, propagandize, and, when all else fails, filibuster. It is that, today, they actually seem to believe all of their bluster and nonsense. Republicans take their folly so far as to prove their integrity by signing their names to “pledges” not to do what any thinking person knows, deep down, is the best and fairest thing to do. Ideological purity requires such no less.

As if there is any doubt who these politicians really serve. If you replaced every single American national politician with his or her largest corporate donor, the impact upon public policy would be nil.

To those who, like me, have finally reached the tipping point of scorn and disgust with our government that they are willing to try something radical, I’d like to suggest that we give ANARCHISM a fair shot. Many thinking persons have long thought so. In her book, “What is Anarchy?,” Emma Goldman wrote that: “The political arena leaves one no alternative, one must either be a dunce or a rogue.” Are you listening, people living in Red States?

And, no doubt as a result of having sung I Can’t Get No Satisfaction so many times, Mick Jagger once observed, that “Anarchy is the only slight glimmer of hope.” He also said, “Hey, you, get off of my cloud.” That could be the anarchist’s rallying cry!

To move an anarchist agenda forward, we must first we must dismiss certain prejudices and false impressions about what it is. It is NOT chaos, disorder, lawlessness, raping and pillaging… or at least far less of those things that a typical day on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Anarchy merely means the absence of government. Every other species on this planet lives as anarchists. Why not homo sapiens, too?

The problem with anarchism is that, historically, it has gotten a bad rap. In the movies, anarchism is portrayed as a kind of dystopian, post-apocalyptic future of bedlam, carnage, and ruination, where half-naked gladiators sporting nefarious tattoos and spiky hairdos engage in perpetual raids, attacks, ambushes, cage fights, and demolition derbies in order to determine who they have sex with, who gets the biggest slab of meat, and who gets to drive the monster truck home from the stadium.

Let’s give ourselves more credit than that. Imagine, instead a blissful, anarchistic paradise in which each member seeks personal contentment in accordance with his needs and desires, utilizing only that essential but too often neglected quality, common sense. Rather than conscription, there’d be cooperation. Rather than regulation, there’d be discretion. Rather than ideology, there’d be tolerance. And there’d be no more polls! Popularity and approval wouldn’t matter because we’d all take responsibility when something goes wrong, rather than look for the nearest scapegoat.

Governor Rick Perry of Texas says it is his goal, if elected president, to make government “inconsequential” to people’s lives. Really? I agree that the best thing for all of us is to make him, personally, as inconsequential as possible. Of course, he doesn’t really mean what he said, though, because he wouldn’t be running for president if he thought that. He wouldn’t be doing anything. What he really means is that government should have no influence whatsoever over how people acquire their money. Or, their guns. And don’t get the good governor started about the freedom to choose light bulbs.

But Perry’s ideal government does have consequences over just about everything else in citizens’ lives. By no means does he mean to suggest that government has anything less than the absolute right to listen in on your phone calls, dictate who you can make love to, restrict your reproductive rights, and insist that you drive on the right side of the road. Also, like all Republicans, he realizes that government is necessary in order to conduct wars, which are good for business and also placate citizen’s sense of righteous indignation whenever somebody insults them. So Perry and the Tea Party really do need government. But they are only willing to pay for those parts of it that benefit them, personally.

But what if some brave politician took the logic of government inconsequentiality one step farther, embracing the true and pristine doctrines of anarchism? Of course, this person couldn’t get elected, but that’s the whole point.

So, in order to push the anarchist movement forward, I suggest that in the next election, and every election thereafter, visionary anarchists express their deepest yearnings for true freedom by using their right to write-in candidates other than those listed on the ballot. Let’s start a write-in campaign for “nobody.” Just leave the space blank. A perfect anarchy would be an election in which everybody eligible to vote, did, but “nobody” won.

If you truly love liberty and freedom above all else, then you must logically be an anarchist. I think that it’d be refreshing to wake up one day to the realization that nobody is in charge. What’s Utopia to some of us, though, probably scares the hell out of many others. I guarantee that if “nobody” wins the next election, the first people whining and clamoring for more and bigger government would be the same Tea Party members who are today demanding its abolition. Real freedom would be more than they could handle.

My attitude toward them is -- oh, whatever. Whoever said “be careful what you wish for, you might get it,” was definitely not a Tea Party-er.


Gregg Sapp’s first novel, “Dollarapalooza” was published by Switchgrass Books, 2011.

]]> Tue, 13 Sep 2011 11:21:16 CDT sappgregg US Polticial Satire 4 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/the-anarchists-manifesto-or-whatever--/ http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/congressional-clown-amendment-to-the-u-s-constitution/
The Congressional Clown Amendment

“If Congress acts like clowns; they shall dress like clowns”

We, the people, hereby state that for decades U.S. elected politicians have spent all our money, passed too many stupid and restrictive regulations, interfered with our individual rights, liberties and freedoms, disregarded the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and governed badly and arrogantly, bringing the United States to the brink of ruin and collapse.

We, the people of the United States of America, hereby declare that our elected representatives and government officials have deemed themselves no longer accountable to the people, or to the U.S. Constitution, and instead have turned American economic, political and social governance into a government not “of the people, by the people and for the people” but a government “of the government, by the government, and for the government”.

This shall not stand. This is fundamentally un-American, intolerable, and must be addressed and changed. We, the people, are dismayed, disgruntled and yea, disgusted with our self-serving self-empowered politicians in Washington and hereby petition for redress from our government as follows …

We, the people, hereby declare that, in usurping the power and will of the people, our elected representatives are acting like clowns. And so, by Constitutional amendment, we, the people, hereby declare that, as our elected representatives act like clowns they shall also dress like clowns.

By Constitutional amendment all 435 elected representatives of the House of Representatives, all 100 elected members of the United States Senate, and the President of the United States shall, when performing their sworn duties, wear a classic and colorful clown outfit, complete with a clown wig, face makeup, red nose, and clown feet.

This shall also apply to any candidate or incumbent running for election or re-election at the federal level.

“As Congress shall act like clowns so shall they dress like clowns.”

So say we, the people, of the country of the United States of America. 235 years old. 306 million strong.

------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a proposed amendment to the Constitution of the United States. Proposed on behalf of we, the people, of the United States of America. Maybe it’s NOT so ridiculous. Or maybe this proposed Constitutional amendment is ridiculous enough to reign in our out-of-control government. Either way pass it on. And save our country from its government.

Drafted and copyrighted 2011 by Andrew Lawrence, Los Angeles, CA
Andrew Lawrence is the author of numerous articles, blogs, and 9 books.
http://Andrew-Lawrence.blogspot.com

Permission to reproduce is granted by copyright holder for non-commercial use but you must reproduce entire document including author info. For commercial use contact author.
]]> Wed, 10 Aug 2011 19:38:32 CDT andls US Polticial Satire 4 http://thedailysatire.com/usa-political/congressional-clown-amendment-to-the-u-s-constitution/ http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/the-austerity-crusaders-of-department-g2b/
Dear George, as in Chancellor of the Exchequer Mr. Osborne,
I’m writing to you from a five-person office somewhere in the great sprawling mass of public service. I’m not going to identify who or where we are at this stage. This may seem ultra-cautious, knowing how familiar we all are with governmental open-mindedness and democratic laissez-faire regarding employees speaking their minds, but we don’t want to feel as if we’re pushing ourselves forward or pleading for special favours.

Calling us civil servants here is probably stretching a point, but anything remotely connected with public administration more or less counts now, doesn’t it, so let’s be content with that. We just wanted to say, and I speak here for the entire office, how touched and inspired we all are by your austerity programme, so directly aimed at hauling this great country of ours out of the mire. For years now, my colleagues and I have been wondering how we can repay the state for allowing us to work the pitifully small hours we do for the enormous wages undeservedly flung in our direction. The other day, when I was sitting with my feet up on the desk flinging grapes in the air and seeing if I could catch them in my mouth, wondering what the hell I was going to do all day, the idea came to me. We will join in, I thought, with Mr. Osborne’s austerity crusade; in a dedicated, patriotic spirit. We will each sacrifice something from our lavish, ludicrously self-indulgent life styles fuelled by enormous Government largesse. And, I’m happy to say, my colleagues were instantly on message.

Daphne, for starters, is going to kick the crack. Many a morning we have all recoiled a little at Daphne lining the stuff up on her desk and then shooting her nose along like it’s the latest hand-held Dyson. It always seems to mean that, for the rest of the morning, if anything should happen along that she has to sign (ha, ha, as if) she will do it with a ridiculous flourish of letters eight inches tall and then, for some reason, draw an orange alongside, which doesn’t leave the document looking terribly official and business-like, to be frank. Then, by lunchtime, just as we think she’s nicely settled and munching happily on her Philly-covered Ryvitas, she’s suddenly gone to the staff loos for another sniff and then it’s half the afternoon up on the desk in her knickers giving it ‘Hey, Big Spender’ again.
She knows cold turkey will be involved and has brought in a case of XO brandy, generously provided by HMG, of course, to help her forget, and a considerable economy on the street rate she’s paying these days from ‘Saw You Coming Ltd., downtown Colombia’.
George, your namesake, has vowed to cut down to one rent boy a week. We begged and we pleaded, tears in our eyes, knowing full well that George keeps the admirable Hampstead Heath free market going virtually single-handedly, but he was firm. ‘I like a tight little sphincter as well as the next man’, he said, ‘but one a day is just getting too much, and I’m beginning to find myself too shagged out to enjoy the Steak Poivre and pommes allummettes, washed down with a good Chateauneuf du Pape (what else?) which is the regular fare of our Michelin-starred staff refectory’. We argued that there were at least a couple of lads in the huge car bay looking after the various Jaguars and Ferraris used for our business who would stand in on a quiet day for probably less than street rates, maybe no more than a can of Bud and a Yorkie, but he insisted enough was enough and said he would struggle so with the overalls, that and smelling of oil for the rest of the day.

Rowenna feels that the plastic surgery has now gone as far as it can go. We eventually deduced that this is what she said; she can only get her lips half an inch apart because of the Botox, and it’s all a bit of a mumble. We know from earlier days that she hasn’t been happy with developments for a while. The boob job didn’t go anything like as well as she’d hoped, partly because it seems she finished up with an extra one, which is aesthetically unfortunate to say the least. ‘I was thinking rather more Joan Collins and rather less Daisy the Fresian’, she said, quite loud and clear at the time. She’s been contenting herself with occasional pampering beauty weekends and she says she’ll keep on with that every now and then, though she has to avoid the mudpacks these days, in case the mud sets with the Botox ‘and cracks my bloody head off like a twig’.

Martin has come to a realistic understanding that gun-running is not the best of hobbies for a Government employee rapidly approaching retirement and has decided to go for something a little less capital intensive, perhaps international vanilla porn. ‘It’s finding sheds and hangars for the rocket launchers and mortar cannons that’s become such a bore’, he said. Probably it was the luxury of owning such a gigantic house, bought on the strength of his huge wages with all the vast increments added for age, which first set him off, the wide open spaces of his triple garage and barn conversion outhouses simply crying out for sophisticated weaponry to be stored there before being shipped on to whichever bunch of governmental lunatics are currently trying to slaughter their own people or someone else’s. He’s itching for one last fling, though, George, so if you’re still in the business of another helicopter or two, an occasional armoured personnel carrier or five, to help our brave boys without your lot having to deal with the bad publicity, well Martin’s your man, though you may have to be patient, as his main travelling salesman recently had his head sliced off in the DR of the Congo, having inadvertently delivered them one grenade box short of an order.

And my dear Helen and I have decided that Matt and Tom are just going to have to go to somewhere not quite as pricey as Eton. It’s a sacrifice, of course, but it isn’t just the money, when it comes to it. As I said to H over pheasant or something during our weekly tryst at the Ritz (‘weekly is quite sufficient, Malcolm’, she says, ‘daily looks ostentatious’), I’m really wanting my children to turn out to be – well, relatively normal, I suppose, people with whom natural conversations are possible. After all, if you suddenly find your bright-eyed and bushy-tailed offspring have turned into the kind of tossers who are floating around on luxury yachts enjoying champagne and Mandelson badinage one minute and telling all of us suckers to tighten our bloody belts the next, you do wonder what all those fees were for. I’d like them to be able to hold their respective owns in normal society, not come home to dick around in frock coats saying ‘Yah’ every other bloody word. H and I are going to bung them all off to Swiss finishing schools so that they learn to speak five different languages and will be able to provide us with continental retirement venues rather than wait around here until your lot have reduced the state pension to two bread rolls and a sausage a day, that’s if you’ve got the coupons and you can guarantee not to have more than £27.50 in life savings.

So we’re all austerity heroes in this office, George, and we’ll all be waiting to see you tubeing it into work next week with the rest of the teeming millions stashed into obsolete carriages with crap on the floor, then taking a half hour lunch to eat the cheddar slices sandwiches and, if you’re lucky, an apple, which the missus has packed up for you or, being the New Man you are, you’ve packed up for yourself. We’re all in it together, eh George, and with any luck, come the next election, you and your pals will be so far in it that entire armies of recently unemployed shit shovellers won’t get you out of it for at least a generation or two.






]]> Wed, 10 Aug 2011 09:25:28 CDT leonard UK Political Satire 3 http://thedailysatire.com/UK-political/the-austerity-crusaders-of-department-g2b/