Shocking Confession Surprises No One
(Jackson, MS) -- After decades of rumors and denials, the truth about one of the nation’s most notorious geographical regions has finally come out. At a news conference this morning, the Southern United States of America -- known to most people as "the South" -- stunned friends and family members by confirming a long-held suspicion that it is, in fact, racist.
"I know this is going to come as a surprise to a lot of folks, but I don't like black people," the South said, clearly underestimating the level of America’s common sense. "I've hidden my true beliefs for years by pretending to support programs like Affirmative Action, No Child Left Behind, and Martin Luther King's birthday, but no more! I want the entire world to know under no uncertain terms that I... am... racist!"
The announcement comes just days after an elementary school teacher from Georgia resigned after giving students homework with racially charged math problems. In one question, students were asked to solve the following problem: "Each tree has 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?" Another problem posed the question "If Frederick got two beatings each day, how many beatings did he get in one week?"
"That was pretty much what did it," said Prof. Eugene Feldspar, a sociologist from Princeton University. "Over the years the South has supported slavery, opposed desegregation, offered whites-only restrooms and drinking fountains, gave birth to the KKK, lynched African-Americans, proposed 'Separate But Equal' laws, fought vigorously against the Civil Rights Movement and continually points out that Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. And up ‘til now, we could always give it the benefit of the doubt. But yeah, after that whole slavery-math-problems thing, it's pretty hard for the South to hide it anymore."
Friends and co-workers of the South, while stunned at the actual admission, are not surprised at the confirmation of its racial leanings. Considered one of the worst kept secrets for more than 150 years, the South repeatedly been seen hanging out at so-called "racist bars" and socialized with known racists. On the political stage, the South has supported known or suspected racists such as Orval Faubus, David Duke and Haley Barbour.
"I saw the South at a Klan rally on TV one time and I was like 'Whoa, what's going on here?" said the South's neighbor, Charles Meyers. "I was like 'the South's a racist?' But then I got to thinking about the 'March on Selma' with all the violence and blood and that whole gotta-fly-the-Confederate-flag thing and then the pieces started to fall into place."
"And yeah," Meyers continued, "that whole slavery-math thing pretty much sealed the deal. If you didn't know the South was racist before that, it's pretty hard to ignore now."
"It's like I'm a free man right now," added the South, apparently unaware of the irony. "The best thing about it is I no longer have to look sheepishly over my shoulder before using 'the N-word.' In fact, why am I calling it 'the N-word' anymore? I can say the actual word now without feeling any expected remorse.
The South then went on a Michael Richards-esque rant that the publishers of this article deemed too offensive to print.
“And I’m not gonna stop there!” The South continued. “I am going to be a champion for ‘racist rights.” I won’t rest until racist marriage is recognized in all fifty states and I want all racists to have affordable healthcare available to them. We racists have been persecuted for nearly fifty years, and I won’t stop until every racist is granted the basic human dignity they deserve. We shall overcome!”
The South already has a busy schedule following the announcement. Tomorrow morning it’s expected to attend a cross burning sponsored by the Ku Klux Klan followed by a NASCAR race before speaking at a Ron Paul rally.
.. (Editorial)
