Best Satire Stories For: healthpoliticsuk/

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Cameron puts forward case for ‘gentrification’ of binge drinking

Posted by Imp (#5) 97 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

David Cameron will tackle the issue of poor people drowning their sorrows and then punching each other in the streets, by pricing them out of the popular British pastime.Once ‘the sport of kings’, binge-drinking has been ruined in recent decades, by the sort of people that wouldn’t know a fine claret from a Jagerbomb.Cameron hopes to reverse this trend, by driving the poorest vi.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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First privatised NHS hospital announces minimum dress code

Posted by Imp (#5) 194 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

A ground-breaking privatised NHS hospital has been welcomed by ministers after the new owners insisted that going upmarket and introducing a minimum dress code will keep out the riff-raff.

It is hoped the privatisation will allow hospital administrators to focus their attention on the sort of people that appreciate the finer things in life-threatening circumstances.

Hinchingbrooke in Cambri.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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Tories insist doctors must speak English at moron level

Posted by Imp (#5) 231 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

The Conservatives have insisted that all NHS doctors must demonstrate a mastery of moron English and will no longer be able to describe illnesses in Greek, Latin, or with words of more than two syllables.

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley told reporters, “My constituents tell me they can’t understand medical mumbo-jumbo, such as ‘insomnia’ or ‘obesity’. But if a GP explains in simple terms that .. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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NHS reform cannot be put off as long as many life saving operations, says Cameron

Posted by Imp (#5) 491 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

David Cameron has said NHS reform cannot be put off as long as its patients’ life saving operations, insisting that the sooner the many ridiculous waiting lists can be blamed on someone else, the better.The PM said he wanted to ‘do the right thing’ by the public and the public sector alike, but it was difficult as the main benefactors of the NHS are the 67.6% of the population who chose not.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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Raising prices will reduce consumption, just like it has with petrol, insists government

Posted by Imp (#5) 491 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

The Government has announced plans to implement a minimum price for a unit of alcohol, which it claims will improve the nation’s health in the same way raising petrol prices has encouraged people to only use environmentally-friendly transport.An announcement is expected which will see the minimum price of a unit of alcohol raised to make a can of weak lager at least 38p, and a litre of vodk.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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‘Make all drugs legal’ says former minister who could have made all drugs legal

Posted by Imp (#5) 524 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

Ex-Minister Bob Ainsworth, responsible for the Government drugs policy under Tony Blair, has called for all drugs to be made legally available now that he can’t be blamed for it.The Labour backbencher raised his concerns that the drugs policies of successive governments are “Leaving the drugs market in the hands of criminals”.“This is causing huge and unnecessary harm to i.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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