Best Satire Stories For: stock market, stock picks, firearms, ammo, kevlar, refrigerator box, riots

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Clever people tend not to throw chairs through shop windows, finds study

Posted by Imp (#4) 577 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

>A new survey has found a link between how clever someone is, and how likely it is they will go out onto the street to try and steal a television from inside a broken shop window.

The survey of those arrested during the summer riots has found that people clever enough to not want to go to prison stayed at home and watched events unfold on a television they had bought and paid for.
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Social networks find possible link between rioting and having a Tory government

Posted by Imp (#4) 636 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

Executives from the major social networks, who are attending a meeting to discuss how to avoid the violent disorder that occurred earlier this month, have insisted that the best way to avoid further disturbances is by not having a Tory government.

The rioting, which took place in a number of locations around England, was on a scale not seen since the 1980′s which according to historical record.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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Isn’t it about time we gentrified the blacks? asks David Starkey

Posted by Imp (#4) 647 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

Historian David Starkey has suggested that the recent riots across the country are due to society not making enough of an effort to gentrify the black community.

Starkey spoke on television to offer his theories as to the cause of the recent riots, whilst also appearing to channel your long dead Granddad.
He told viewers, “I swear they wouldn’t know one end of a croquet mallet from the other... VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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Destroying the High Street is our job, Tesco warn rioters

Posted by Imp (#4) 649 days ago (http://newsthump.com)

Tesco have slammed the recent violent disorder that has raged around England by warning rioters that they will not relinquish their monopoly on destroying High Street shops without a fight.

The Supermarket behemoth, which has been decimating shops on the High Street for a number of years, is believed to be worried about the speed and efficiency with which rioters and looters forced the closure.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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Drastic Action

Posted by weirdoddtruenews (#14) 706 days ago (http://www.metro.co.uk)

When a stubborn wart on the finger just wouldn't go away no matter what treatment he tried Sean Murphay decided that it was time for drastic action.

The 38 year old security guard for B&Q DIY and hardware store blew his finger off with a 12-bore shotgun. Later, in court for on firearms charges for possessing an unlicensed weapon Mr Murphay stated that he hadn't meant to blow the whole finger o.. VIEW STORY PAGE | OPEN LINK

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Stock market crash, 12 injured

Posted by juliushubris (#103) 803 days ago (http://notthenewsireland.wordpress.com)

The opening bell of the New York stock exchange was delayed by 30 minutes this morning after a crash resulted in injuries to 12 people. Confusion abound, international markets reacted negatively to the news that there had been a stock market crash only to later discover the crash in question involved an errant bus and the outer facade of the NYSE building located on New York’s Wall Street.

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