In an effort to increase public trust in the transparency of a presidential candidate, the GOP granted us a special look inside the life of Mitt Romney, presumptive nominee to take on President Barack Obama this fall. Upon arriving at his impressively sized Massachusetts home, we were informed that the governor had just got out of bed and was enjoying breakfast.
We joined him at the table, and he gave us a very cheerful greeting. He made small talk with us about our trip, but I was distracted by the shining glimmer of his bizarre cereal. It was later confirmed to us that he enjoys a bowl of gold flakes before each campaign stump speech.
The remainder of his daily morning routine involves the aggressive hedging of funds to retired business partners. He also transfers newly generated US income into offshore banks for investment purposes. For the average American citizen, this process is hard to comprehend, but it basically involves Romney sweating heavily over a computer, furiously clicking on a series of professional looking graphics for 20 to 30 minutes.
It seemed like something wasn't right visually with Romney all morning, and I eventually realized that his hair was disheveled, some of it draped over his forehead. We followed him into his bathroom and asked what product he uses for his trademark "slicked back" hairstyle that is sure to be popularized among youngsters if he becomes president.
"A lot of people don't know this," said Romney, "but it's just good ol' fashioned 'middle age grease'! You can actaly slick back your hair with what your body naturally produces -- I just rinse it out with pure, simple water beforehand."
He then stood over a vat that contained a questionable green substance that didn't actually look like water at all. He dunked his hair into the green and used a gold-tooth comb to put the finishing touches on.
His campaign stop of the day was to be televised on several major news networks. As his crew was preparing to leave, he emphasized to us the importance of claiming to disagree with President Obama, while emphasizing the importance of massive government spending experiments. He believes that these two points will help lead him to victory in November... (Editorial)
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