It’s High Time Women Took The Lead -
Asylum Earth has always tried to remain a-political having refrained from getting involved in our quinquennial exercise in futility (for those of you from Elmira, that’s our Presidential elections every four years). Like religion, there is always something for everyone and we believe it is up to each individual to develop his/her own personal convictions regarding these issues.
However, having taken a hard look at the present state of world affairs, and the people in charge of said affairs, we strongly believe that in this coming election, picking a person for the position as leader of the free world must be taken in a much more serious manner than heretofore witnessed.
Regardless of one’s political leanings, the leader of our country will have to deal with the likes of the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (whose first name is best pronounced while clearing a Yak bone from your throat), Venezuela’s President, Hugo Rafael Chavez (who’s delusions of grandeur actually have delusions of grandeur), Zimbabwe’s Grand Poobah, Robert Mugabe, (well, he lost his last election for President, but then declared that he had, in fact, been the only one running for Grand Poobah) and North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un (whose late father was Kim Jong - I told you I was - ill).
After serious staff discussions, followed by a round of Tequila shots and some kick ass peyote, we came to the conclusion (more obvious after the peyote shots), that for once in our country’s history we must fight fire with fire. Having looked over the candidates running for the office, we canceled the second round of Tequila snorts, as there were only three people left that could raise their right hand when asked to vote, and came to a unanimous decision to back the only person we believe capable of handling the afore mentioned cast of lunatics, hombre a hombre, Roseanne Barr, a candidate for the position via the Green Eggs and Ham Party, we think.
It’s of little concern that she would have no idea what a President Chavez or Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un are talking about, hell, no one has had any idea what they have been talking about for years. What’s been missing is a high pitched nasal impaired diatribe response, as only President Roseanne could deliver, that would make them wish they had never opened their mouths. Give her ten minutes and they would all head for Germany and beg for membership in the Carthusian Monastery of Silence.
End of problem . . .
We not only felt so strong about Roseanne being the right person to get in the face of these world blowhards, we have decided to endorse the list of President Roseanne’s key cabinet members as it will take a concerted effort, on several fronts, to be even more obnoxious than this cast of nere-do-wells.
With “obnoxious” being the key word here, we see no other logical choice for Vice President than . . . Fran Drescher.
You can just see fear in the eyes of the world’s leading despots when they learn that President Rosanne is coming for a little chin-wag and, oh, by the way . . . she bringing Vice President Fran with her! It’s a little known fact that the Muslims only started making the “Ululululullulu” sound with their tongues when told they wouldn’t have to watch another episode of “The Nanny”!
As Secretary of State, we wholeheartedly endorse the most qualified person to nag the bejibbers out of any megalomaniac zealot . . . Joan Rivers. After all, following in the horse hooves of another famous Joan, Joan of Arc, she has never let the fact that no one was listening stop her from talking and besides who can wait to not see her in a Burka!
We are also encouraged by the fact that President Roseanne has pledged to change the office of Secretary of Defense to a far more appropriate title of Secretary of Offense, and who more offensive than . . . Rosie O’Donnell (I mean . . . duh!). Secretary Rosie could set sail in her (sorry), its, gender bending cruise ship and set them all straight (Opps, did it again) on social issues. And, besides, what Islamic zealot wouldn’t that piss off?
We can stop at this point as the Senate, well, the Senate is being led by Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and we see absolutely no real need to make a change there. So, the bottom line is that we throw our support behind this ticket (and just think about that visual) and encourage each of you to follow our lead. Considering what you’ve gotten for how you’ve voted up to this point . . . just what the hell have you got to lose, huh?
T. Michael Barclay
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