Republican Debate takes an unsual twist

3
Vote

Republican Debate takes an unsual twist

Posted by dbarron (#116) 606 days ago (Editorial)

A predictably boring Republican presidential debate turned interesting towards the end when Herman Cain began discussing his 0, 0, 0 Plan, which moderator Anderson Cooper quickly pointed out made no sense. Cain responded, “exactly – just like my 9, 9, 9 Plan. But, the American people are looking for answers that make no sense. Sensible things have not worked, so they want the 0, 0, 0 Plan. Here, is how it works. You add zero, plus zero, plus zero, and get nothing. That is the same you get with my other plans that make no sense, and it is more than this country currently has with the debt. So, if we start over with zero and add zero to it, we have zero. That is what the American people want.” A dumbfounded Anderson Cooper was lost as to what to say in response. No worry, though. Texas Governor Rick Perry, who is also seeking the Republican nomination, was there to save the day. Still awake since it was not yet bedtime for the typical person who functions at the level of a five year old, Perry said, “this distinguished colleague understands the plan. He then said not 9, 9, 9 Plan but “59” makes perfect sense to him and he would like to “execute” the 0, 0, 0 Plan within 60 days, denying clemency on the spot. Republican nominee Mitt Romney then interrupted to have his own argument with Cain, which resembled two people about to get into a fight. Perry jumped in to say “have at it.” Romney responded that, “if you are going to be President, you need to let me speak.” But, Romney chickened out and responded with, “see, I don’t have to say anything. My opponents have eloquently explained why you should settle for me. I have the entire vote of Utah.” Candidate Michelle Bachman jumped in to suggest Utah and Texas should succeed and form their own Nation, in which Perry could be the “executioner” and Romney could be too. Perry appeared devastated when he leaned Utah did not border Texas. At that point, routine Republican hopeful Ron Paul, self-proclaimed “Champion of Justice,” phoned in to say he would not be able to make the debate. After shooting his abductors Saturday night, Paul had no bullets left to shoot the aliens that came for him. Vowing to run for President every year (even though the Presidential term is four years) – something Newt Gingrich appears to have perfected – Paul ate the aliens, an act we soon realized was truly one don by a “Champion of Justice” when word came out that Paul ate Michelle Bachman whom had temporarily flown away on her witch broom to prevent Paul from attending. Paul immediately became radioactive and took off looking for a planet that would understand him and extradite his son, Rand Paul to the moon. While this was transpiring, Perry went to sleep, only to miss candidate Sandstrom noting that he recently learned that he has many more than the seven children he thought. With the debate having run overtime, moderator Anderson Cooper announced that this debate has concluded, and the public should stay tuned for next week’s debate that would take a new experimental forum. Next week’s debate will be in the mode of Sesame Street. Ernie, Bert, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, and as invited special guest, Elmo -Perry’s favorite character – will make a guest appearance to ask the candidates questions to determine which one actually belongs. The candidates immediately broke into song, singing “can’t we all just get along” followed by John Lennon’s “Imagine.” At that point, the “small government” Republicans love – even though the candidates spent the entire debate about making the government large by attacking immigrants - voted that there would be no more Republican Presidential debates before the election. Perry suddenly woke up and asked what happened. A frustrated Anderson Cooper responded, “you have been voted off the island.” A frantic Perry took off looking for a boat to get back to the island. His search did not last long. Dick Cheney mistook him for dinner and hunted him down. Realizing his time was coming to an end, Perry asked for an extravagant “last meal” only to be told that would not be possible since Texas recently abolished “last meals.” A saddened Perry responded, “but I have been dick whacked” – marking the most humorous “last statement” of all time. Anderson Cooper then broke into a passionate chant of “Obamacare, Obamacare, Obamacare!” That is a quick summary of tonight’s debate. Tune in next time for the latest edition of “As the Republicans Fall,” at which Elmo, Cookie Monster, Bert, Ernie, and Oscar the Grouch will be asking the questions... (Editorial)

Readers | Discuss | eMail Story To Friend

US Polticial Satire | rick perry ron paul mitt romney anderson cooper herman cain newt gingrich michelle bachmann All

Share on Tumblr

Republican Debate takes an unsual twist

Comments

Who Voted for this Story