In a startling new interview yesterday former British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that Syrian Leader Bashar Assad must ultimately “go” if Syria is to achieve peace. Mr Blair, who is now masquerading as a California Raisin alongside putting his finger in the pie commonly known as “the middle east” said that not even Assad's party piece posing as an ostrich could save him this time.
When questioned on how he would solve a problem like Maria, no, sorry, not Maria – Assad, Blair was particularly forthright.
''I'm sending in Simon Cowell'' he said. ''He's the only man for the job; it's going to be an incredible journey''.
Music Mogul Turns To Politics
Cowell, most famous for being so far back in the closet he's in Narnia - and the X Factor and stuff was said to be ''ready for the challenge'' of handling the Middle East Peace Process and planned a ''speculative approach'' to tackling the issue.
''I'm thinking we can get a 12 part live nightly series out of it'' he commented. ''Assad's Got Talent'', in which he has to perform a series of heart rending love ballads and interpretive dance routines in front of a panel of judges to save himself. One wrong note in his version of Alicia Key’s “If I Ain’t Got You” and he’ll face the wrath of the panel’s buzzers and withering comments. Not least from Cowell himself who promises to be as incisive as ever, sucking on his pen top and doing his “eyes like cash tills” routine.
''I haven't decided who I'll take there yet'' added Cowell ''If Kelly Rowland and Beyonce are busy there's always Sheena Easton and that one from Wilson Phillips who wasn't blonde''.
When questioned on whether or not the panel should consist of politicians or members of the United Nations, Cowell was typically forthright: ''The politicians and so called members of the United Nations don't pull the strings. Everyone knows it's all down to me and Rupert Murdoch, we're the ones with the real decision making power, probably more me than Rupey these days...but...''
There are of course critics to Blair’s proposal - current British Prime Minister David Cameron said that it was “blatant and dangerous opportunism, something you'd never see me or my Government doing''. Mr Cameron, speaking from the audience of the opposite channel’s new talent show “The Voice” was wearing a Florence and The Machine t-shirt and eating a cupcake added ''I wish I'd thought of it'' before running off to hammer another nail in the coffin of the NHS.
What Will Become of Assad?
Asked what should become of Assad after his deposing Blair and Cowell quite obviously have very different opinions. Blair wants to send him on a tremendously long caravan holiday to Rhyl to see what suffering is really like (of course on the strict proviso he sits down to study the latest caravan insurance quotes first) while Cowell wants him to front his latest boy band “Ceasefire”. Put together strictly for the Middle East Market and aimed at the more mature lady Cowell hopes that Assad’s subtle blend of moustache and corruption will be a big hit with repressed women everywhere. He also hopes that Assad’s deposition and rise as a pop singer will also increase his popularity in the United States although this is something that Assad will need some persuading over. Blair, in a typically candid moment commented “Assad in leather shorts, gyrating on stage? I’ll believe it when I see it”.
Mr Assad was unavailable for comment and reports that he is seeking representation from Max Clifford have neither been confirmed nor denied. Cowell believes Assad has a great future in front of him once he’s deposed, saying “Look, the guy’s been on an incredible journey and we just want to give him a chance to come on stage and tell his side of the story in full view of the cameras. We’ll hopefully catch the moment a solitary tear rolls
down his cheek as he speaks of his father’s death and see a montage of his best moments while Coldplay’s “Fix You” plays over it – it’s an irresistible combination and a ratings winner for sure” he added, reaching orgasm as he did so.
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